if i’m nobody, who is posting this?

15 Mar

I’m Nobody! Who are you?

by Emily Dickinson

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! they'd advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –  
To tell one's name – the livelong June –  
To an admiring Bog!

– See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15392#sthash.Ch8lU0iE.dpuf

emilydickenson

Regular conversations sort of throw me, at times.  Questions like where do you live? What do you do? What have you been up to?  Sometimes, I have to remember.  There is a pause while i put it back together to answer, because I have no idea.

That voice, telling itself the story of itself, who it is, how it fits in, sometimes it isn’t there.  I have taken myself out of circumstances in which I am forced to tell my story, so much so that I am surprised at times to realize I have to reconstruct in order to make sense.  The background of  most questions is not wanting the literal answer, but a connecting intention.  In the real flow, you can switch the gears up on these sort of encounters – answering questions asked but also bringing the moment to be about BEing  –  you and the other, bypassing to something much more interesting, in the moment,  lessing the labels or 3d definitions of self.     This different flow of encountering  just happens by being present, open and not reconstructing STORY.

Sometimes I forget my age, my gender; I’m just the walking.  Sometimes I’m surprised other people can see me; I  feel invisible  – in  a good way.

My friend recently returned to Facebook for a quick visit after a hiatus which made me observe this weird mirror.   I do have a profile because  my kids’ activities often require that contact point if I want to be informed about where to be and when.  But goodness, I will say, sometimes just looking and seeing that i have a face, a list of likes and list of distant acquaintances makes me feel dizzy and disoriented.  Sometimes even claustrophobic.  I look at my smiling face, my name and I know – that isn’t me.  Who is that?  If that is not me, then Where am I?

Sometimes I am so grateful for just having a roof over my head, then other times, I look around, and feel I have fallen.  I still have the access to the 3d values in the distant background.  Sometimes fear grips me momentarily because in some ways I am in a financial predicament; in other ways I am not.   It wouldn’t bother me, I think, if it were just me, but here I stand imagining I am providing for these girls…and nothing makes any sense.

I just don’t got it.  That simplifies things, actually.

But that middle of the night wheel can turn, and I feel the weight of that black panther of fear on my chest; I imagine the worst.  I have never gone without.  Is that not empirical evidence enough?  Why do I allow the fear to create a scenario in which we would not be taken care of?

“I”dentity drops away again, and I calmly do the next thing.  I have essays to grade.  Laundry to fold.  Food to be  purchased.  Drives to be provided.  Sleep to be had.   Music to be enjoyed.  Trees to be hugged.  Air to be inhaled.  I am not in charge.  I can not make it make sense to the mind.

a frog by the bog croaking imaginary woes – the first line is the one to return to:  I am nobody and that is very good!

16 Responses to “if i’m nobody, who is posting this?”

  1. Allison Carmen March 15, 2013 at 6:40 pm #

    Like Ram Dass said, “The Game Is Not About Becoming Somebody, It’s About Becoming Nobody.” thanks for the reminder

    • marga t. March 15, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

      Oh, I hadn’t run across that quote; thank you for connecting with Ram Dass’ words – he has been one of my teachers for a while 🙂

  2. Awake in 365 Days March 16, 2013 at 2:25 am #

    Oh sister can I relate to these exact fears, if it was just me I’d be alright, but I imagine myself also providing for these two girls of mine, empirical evidence, I read your post earlier today but didn’t have a chance to comment, but just those two words, empirical evidence, stayed with me all day. And the reminder to just do the next thing, I can’ believe how in sync I am with you, its spoooky. 🙂

    • marga t. March 16, 2013 at 12:41 pm #

      tis spooky, but also validating to recognize our journeys’ overlaps! Hope all is well in your land!

  3. james369 March 16, 2013 at 4:24 pm #

    Thank you for reminding me that “I am not in charge” and for posting one of my all time favorite poems! Peace. James.

    • marga t. March 17, 2013 at 12:03 am #

      Such a relief to not be in charge, yes? Peace to you,too! marga

  4. lauriesnotes March 16, 2013 at 9:03 pm #

    It is interesting telling my story in order to connect with others…like using words to describe the indescribable…not being trapped in story but going into story. When connecting with one of my teachers now, she reminds me that it is all metaphor. It’s pretty cool when we both get that. It feels like a real connection.
    I get disoriented too and have enough and still panic sometimes. I have been following my soul and studying and healing..but I can’t explain to most what I am doing. This same teacher also reminds me that what we are attempting to do hasn’t really been done..being in daily life in a new way.
    Much love-
    Laurie

    • marga t. March 17, 2013 at 12:08 am #

      So glad that you have such a wise teacher! I love the insight of doing something that hasn’t been done or not very often anyway – BEing in the moment to moment in a new way! Seems more are riding along the wave of this as I glance from side to side 🙂 So nice to share the ride with you. Much love back your way! marga

      • lauriesnotes March 17, 2013 at 12:58 am #

        I think we are all teaching each other, really. I call her my teacher, but I know she would say she is learning from me too..I like that.
        Yes, More are joining the ride I think. It’s very hopeful.

  5. caimbeul March 17, 2013 at 4:36 am #

    It’s indeed a hard and frightening road marga t. but you’ll emerge so much stronger and fuller than if it were an easier one. I was an orphan and so I truly respect, appreciate and honor your commitment to the girls.

    • marga t. March 17, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

      Deep bow for your groking on so many levels! Your keyhole view always points me back inward and helps settle me there. i’ve had epiphanies of and new compassion for why people cannot do this particular road of parenting, but your share from the other polarity of the experience tugs; Heart send for the orphan path. you know of the hard road of which you write. grateful for your sharing!!!

  6. Russel Ray Photos March 17, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

    I was hoping that Nobody had left a comment so mebody could be first!

    • marga t. March 17, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

      🙂 I’m pretty sure mebodies are always first, despite evidence to the contrary!

  7. vision5d2012 March 21, 2013 at 6:46 am #

    Hi Marga — I was reading about animal totems over on http://reikiserpent.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/how-to-connect-to-your-animal-guardian/ yesterday and I remembered a connection with Jaguar (or panther) from the days of my single mothering when that fear or not making ends meet was a night terror in my life. I had never really looked into what the panther (jaguar) symbolizes but I was delighted to find that it represents self-empowerment, which is ultimately what I gained from those days and that association with jaguar. The jaguar represents solitary leadership. Wish I had known that then; perhaps I would have been less terrified. Anyway, we got through it and have lived to tell the tale (or would that be the tail? 🙂 Blessings, Alia

    • marga t. March 21, 2013 at 8:22 pm #

      What a gift you gave to me today, Alia. I thought back to why I had chosen that image after reading your comment, and I remembered putting myself back to those times to describe the feeling in the body during the nights when those fears emerged – the large, dark cat was so clearly on my chest. Your connections here are so helpful in reframing this overpowering fear into a synchronistic totem of empowerment from a voice of one who has walked a similar territory. When it is truth, everything in me says, “of course” at once. What flows from spirit through you today is held close to my heart! Blessings indeed! x!marga

      • vision5d2012 March 22, 2013 at 5:01 am #

        We are here for and with each other. We are one. Blessed Be, Alia

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: