Archive | December, 2012

Life is Just a Ride

31 Dec

Today, I feel like telling a story.  It is MY story, but I also recognize, I am not this story.  I could be watching a movie, and yet some part of me wants to get some  stories out on paper/screen to let them go on down the stream.

Obligation:  The act of binding oneself by a social, legal, or moral tie.

weightof the world

I was happy in the obligation of my marriage, I thought.  The deeper, higher pull of my true self knew that I could never wake up under the obligations I had tied myself too.  This higher plan knew also that I would never walk away in good conscience, so when the heat of unreason, discomfort, bi-polar episodes, insane financial risks, absenteeism, and other deal breakers I fail to remember, grew into a raging fire of destruction, I had to go.  I went along making everything normal until I couldn’t pretend anymore.  Divorce seems unfortunate through many current lenses, but through my lens, I’ve come to see the separation as beautiful and freeing through the space of time, detachment from story, and clear air of my Sovereignty – which I had forgotten.  That was just one stripping in my path – many more masks came  off after the first.

What strikes me today is that my Freedom is from Obligations…not all, but many I lived under for most of my life:  There has been a stripping of the obligations of my childhood religion, the obligations of the religion of my marriage, the social obligations of being part of a couple, the obligations of being part of social groups, the obligations of being part of a social class, the obligations of memberships,  the obligations of home ownership,  the obligations of a “belief” system, the obligations of buying into the mythology of my country, the obligations of consuming  news media, the obligations of caring about pop culture, the obligations of empty interactions…you get the idea.

Community is lovely and something different entirely.   Real community is about love, choice, and resonance.  The choice to help, to accompany, to attend to, to facilitate with others from the heart is not about obligation at all.  This interaction organically arises and expresses our truth, even when we are doing hard work!

What is left?  Emptiness, stillness, undefined moment after moment in the space that smells like vanilla and cream.  Joy!

I just dropped off my daughter at her friend’s house for a New Year’s Eve Party.   This family  is Greek Orthodox and  they derive much joy from a grand, interactive culture.  There was dancing on the beach this morning, guests in from out of town, music, food, family, friends. 🙂   But leaving their house was a relief to me.  Why?   I realized on my drive back home how wonderful it feels for me that through these years of tearing away of identity that I am not obligated…I do what I chose to do, for the most part.

Life is a ride, and we get to choose, and sometimes getting to that freedom comes through the recognition of our freedom from Obligations:  I am just a baby of this understanding.  Recognizing that this marga journey is just a ride is just the beginning!

Also I bow to the higher purpose of HM, my ex, for playing just the role needed at the intensity required to help me shake my sleeping self awake enough to step up to what was required of me.  From a long, zoomed out view, his role was one of love and of the higher purpose, I have no doubt of that!  Here is a bow to him in the higher fields!

Man Overboard

29 Dec


Sometimes falling out of the boat is the best thing that can happen.

When I found myself once again in a struggle with existence, relationships, overwhelm, and fatigue last night and this morning, it took me a while to remember to give up.  Now “I” give up, for real…back to little “i” once again!

Time to get back in the boat and let the mother carry me…mothering for the mother.

“Leave your existence to existence, stop caring for yourself
so much and let the universe care for you;
it is the best mother.
There has to be some trust, not just belief,
because trust is intimate…
something lets go to this invitation to stop holding yourself
and let’s go to existence instead.
The very letting go will be observed in your presence.”


I orchestrated the perfect scenarios to pressure wash the hidden corners of clinging.  Turns out, I have an identity that is called “The Good Mother,”  and when she feels threatened, she rocks the boat a bit.  Actually, she turned the boat on end so I could finally see the imaginary WEIGHT of her.  She was dried off, tenderly cradled and sent on, back into the energetic stream.

It all sounds so easy after the fact, but in the throws of forgetting, the thrashing is anything but easy.

How many of these labels do we carry around with us?  Good Mother, Hard Worker, Good Girl, Quick Student…what are some others?  Let’s get them on their way.   They are really heavy!  The Light Body is actually Lighter 🙂  Universe likes to Pun!

Enjoy your flow in the river, if you happen here.   Nice to share the ride with you!

The Canvas is Everything; The Paint is Whatever You Can Find

26 Dec

We are visiting my parents in Georgia.  Yesterday while Chloe read The Great Gatsby for school, Eden and I found the concrete basement wall in the ping pong room to be our Canvas.

fullwall christmasday

The room was full of music from Eden’s Pandora station, snacks were brought by supportive grands, and we felt the freedom of no mistakes, no problems; being humans with paintbrushes is a blessed thing.


basementflowers1Lots more to go, of course.

“Spiritual love is a position of standing with one hand extended into the universe and one hand extended into the world, letting ourselves be a conduit for passing energy.”  Christina Baldwin

At 46, I’m the assistant to the great energy running through this girl.  This morning she is on to writing a play and wants help with that…I’m happy to observe, support, allow whatever energies are coming through.

I am learning much about the spiritual connection of humans and making things from my daughters, but also from this path walking friend.  From the way M presents her food, to her beautiful creations, to the words and art she puts together, to the possessions she chooses to keep, to her human interactions… divinity is expressed through this vessel!  This insight then helps me see the divine in all of those around me, in their unique expressions and creations with the matter and form given to us like play dough in this kindergarten world of ours.

The arena of creativity was one of the first places I experienced the no time of the present moment.  And learned that the end result is not the point at all, the process is the dance:)

Also, a broad and messy thank you to whomever stumbles here and to those on whose blogs I’ve stumbled…Grateful for the dance we are all sharing here in this corner together.  Namaste.

The Healing Power of Pasta

24 Dec


Eden had free reign of the kitchen yesterday  and  conjured up some powerful and tasty Alchemy – Mushroom Marsala Fettuccini with Panko topping.  Chloe and I thank you, Eden.

After all the Sturm und Drang,  Eckhart Tolle  made a personal appearance in my dreams last week and reminded me of the painbody material in The New Earth.  I got my copy out at 3 am and found just the section he was talking to me about.  Seems the benevolent universe sent out the big gun teacher, haha, to help me get the lesson.  My wisest and most loving friend let me know that it is okay to be not okay – which was amazingly helpful.

Sometimes the energies present are so much more than is warranted for seemingly little problems that I wonder if we all are working through energy for the whole of us ALL – As one or more of us love bigger than we thought possible, stare down shadows we don’t want to face, courageously keep on keeping on, all of us gain in the process.

Anyhow, Life is always delicious.  Always – All ways!


Chai with the Devil

22 Dec

My life is infinitely broad.
I can be in the dance, yet I am absolutely still.
You are not a one-coloured rainbow, you can be all of this.
I can go into hell itself and have Chai with the devil.
We can hug, because we know he must do his work and I must do mine.
All this is part of the dance of existence.
Nothing exists independent of the Supreme Power. Everything you experience, even the difficult things in life, are your teachers. The one who realizes the Truth blesses everything. How can I be overwhelmed by anything that happens? That is only an idea.
You are the untouched One.
Do not be afraid.

~ Mooji

Badass Love

21 Dec

Love is not Pollyanna.

I am going to say a truth about love, but I do not wish to offend.  These words came to me in the in-between state of sleeping and waking just now and I knew they were true.  I am going to bury the words here in a paragraph so they don’t jump out of the page and offend, though, I think all true seekers know what I am trying to say.  Love is a hard ass, mother fucker with nunchucks.

Does that ring true?

Isn’t that what the verses people recite from the bible at weddings are really saying?

Love is patient, love is kind…I’m going to look it up, I can’t remember the whole thing…here it is:

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Isn’t that badass?

I just got a mental image of someone reciting my interpretation before their wedding vows, Johnny Rotten style. 🙂

Why am I saying it like this?  I’m not sure why but talk of love spoken out loud sounds so cotton candy.  In the thick of the deep dark shadow of pain talking about love sounds fake and gooey; the real love can’t be conveyed – but god, love has street cred.

Love is so fierce, I’m starting to see.  I’m learning to let it flow through me, and what constricts its flow in me are my thoughts about what it is.  If I think love means I say the “right” thing, or walk when it gets uncomfortable, or stay when I shouldn’t, I can’t be a vessel for “it” to flow…Love remains in the most crime infested, filthy muck and says, “This too will pass.”  Sometimes love moves in when it is being pushed away.  Other times, love choses to walk away when it is best.  Love listens but doesn’t take the words in. Love hugs immobile, frightened shoulders.  Love is unafraid and looks on the pain of others and says, “This too will pass; I will remain.”

I’m learning.  And I know, these words don’t even come close.  My intention is to point to my own blindness in restricting the definition of love – and relate that in the past few weeks, my spirit partners in teenage bodies have opened me up to deeper and deeper levels of unlearning and gnosis.


This is what I’m talking about.

Burn This.

19 Dec

Is there anything more important than remembering?


Sometimes in the presence of grace, memories of egoic responses are a movie I watch about me as someone else from a distance.

 Last night after two days of intense looking at the cold, harsh truth through one lens (Where does one turn for help with teenage angst that won’t offer Zoloft as a solution?), I couldn’t help but “zoom out.” (Phrase borrowed from a teacher sublime, btw,…for another post!)

Still, here I am.   I am walking through the grocery, smiling, while the circumstances wouldn’t warrant that response 🙂

I fall in love with a cold lemon and the way it fits in my palm.

 A man with a froggy voice wishes me well; we share love through our eyes and I pass it on to the woman behind the plant counter which takes her by surprise!

All the while, I don’t remember my story.  I seem to let all unfold as it will – in this grace.  This grace will become a constant – is the constant, though there is still forgetting.

Burning up seems a sort of tragedy in one way, but these fires are gifts sent to me for just that purpose.

Just this and to realize that lemons are very sexy 😉

Amazing interwoven thread of connection from a wise and loving sol.

Love of Self

16 Dec


Self Love is totally different than I thought it was going to be.  The word that best describes how I feel about most things, really toward EVERY thing, including ALL parts of me, is tenderness.

We all really look like this:


How do I feel about this puppy when I look at it?  How do I feel about the mischief this pup pup can get into?  How does the heart feel when someone plops this creature in my lap?

I’m just describing the natural feel of it.  This tenderness isn’t something I have to do, right?  There is just a natural uprising state from the heart at such soft beauty.

My body is an expensive outfit that I splurged on, made from luscious fabric.  I hang it up as soon as I take it off.  If I were to find it crumpled on the floor, I would smooth out the wrinkles, iron it, care to get it back in shape for another occasion 🙂  I would treat it tenderly.  My earth suit.

With the concept of original sin, comparison of bodies, messed up ideas of beauty and worthiness, gosh the distortions of our Matrix seem limitless, self love seems a journey, a destination reached after lots of hard work.  Really, I’ve come to see, tenderness toward myself is a natural response as close as my breath.

All true voices say these things.  I am just repeating…

We are not our thoughts, our bodies, our life stories – from a spacious place, from the quiet, blue sky inside our being, from the silent, white tundra in the inner landscape – we naturally view all of it, every part, like the puppy above.  AWWWWWW, how sweet!

And this true lens of tenderness excludes nothing.

Ok, I cannot include a post with a picture of a cute puppy and leave it at that.  We reside in a world of duality…and the dark embrace of the distorted lens points back to the source as well!

Imagine that.

Self-love through a distorted lens:

Now this earth suit desires a cup of tea, and I’m going to make it for her…tenderly 🙂


It Takes Courage To Enjoy It

13 Dec

At this Time, In this Body, With these Senses,  Bjork points for me today…

Big Time Sensuality

i can sense it
something important
is about to happen
it’s coming up

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

we just met
and i know i’m a bit too intimate
but something huge is coming up
and we’re both included

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

i don’t know my future after this weekend
and i don’t want to

it takes courage to enjoy it
the hardcore and the gentle
big time sensuality

12-12-12: Time to Get All Woo Woo

12 Dec


Woo woo:  adj. concerned with emotions, mysticism, or spiritualism; other than rational or scientific; mysterious; new agey. Also n., a person who has mystical or new age beliefs.

I spent years dwelling in duplicity; I was attracted to tangible manifestations of the world unseen while I presented an outward persona of scientific rational scoff at anything skirting on the edges of verifiability.

The shedding of identity is so lovely in that nothing is sticky.  When beliefs are not required, openness allows the mystery to enter and gently unfold itself to one’s observing eye.  And still nothing sticks. No explanation needed.  No need for the adoption of a new woo woo identity or cloak of new age mumbo jumbo.  The seen and the unseen exist together; we can tangibly observe this with open eyes…and flash photography 🙂

My daughters have had some challenging years of late: divorce, discomfort, boat life,  stigma,  bi-polar papa, to name a few off the top of my head…A little behind the scenes aid might have been in order.

I took several photos of Eden on her birthday last fall on a late night walk around the marshy areas near our home…and her unseen protective (perhaps) forces were all about.


This shot is taken in the pitch dark.  The shape of this flying light beside her seems like a butterfly, but the thick body seems to defy careful definition.  Then this same shape appeared in a tree a few weeks later.  Flying bats and insect appear in my photos all the time, but they do not light up like this, they reflect the flash back dully…this entity appears lit from within.


I have named this light Eden’s farie.  Eden is loath to have a woo woo mama, but will ask to see this picture every once in a while, perhaps to validate to herself the forces that are around us everyday, watching, strengthening, guarding…who knows?

Just to add a bit of rationality…when I think of the full range of the light spectrum that we have discovered compared to the limited range that humans are able to perceive unaided, the existence of  “things’ outside our awareness no longer seems woo woo, but inevitable.  Just to over-think it 🙂

Woo woo, yes, but also simple exploration lovingly held in the open hands of wonder.

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