Archive | June, 2014

i meet myself

29 Jun


Her fear notes still have

corresponding keys that play

in me, sometimes.

Oh, sweetness, I know

your ill-fitting skin

was making you drown 

in public fountains

to shrink it down to size.

There was no thing wrong,

but you couldn’t see,

so I love you

from now.

            Not only that,

I know you,  

I see  you –


Even so,

 I grasp for Tomorrow’s

mysterious flame


and squeeze it onto

our heart fire of 3 –

the past,

the now

and the yet to be.

i burn the shell away.


Frogs are not concerned about winter

that was or still may be

on a hot summer night – when

the moon is giving a sliver hint of  return. 

Grass is wet,

bugs are thick,

love can move the air.  

Croak deep to the dark,

for the pleasure 

of our acquaintance.

There is only tonight

and me in many forms one.


come dance with Me

19 Jun

Every child has known God

Every child has known God,
Not the God of names,
Not the God of don’ts,
Not the God who ever does Anything weird,
But the God who knows only 4 words.
And keeps repeating them, saying:
“Come Dance with Me , come dance.”

— Hafiz

like this:  🙂


27 minutes

18 Jun


I had a knee-jerk response to what I perceived as strangeness with the robe and waterfall, and wasn’t sure I wanted to post, but this teaching did overlap with some dynamics that were unfolding in my little corner.

After I posted and received a few comments,I became uncomfortable.  I debated about removing the video, but the comments section became full of interesting takes on teachers and words and individual paths…The energy there made me leave this teaching up.  In a 27 minute video, there are many words spoken; some of these words resonate, some now seem discordant to me in a new day and new light.

The part that resonates with me is the concept of sitting deeply within for that is what had been on my small fractal menu lately, a pointing to a  field beyond wanting.  It seems there does come a point when all attainment begins to be seen as nice but still ephemeral in its relation to the core flow.  Attainment and loss are naturally arising in life.  Beyond this cycle, there seems to be an awareness that the self sits with the self in rain and snow, and in tears and ache, and in sun and breeze, and in welling up and lazy stillness, and in booming pain and gentle ease.  The perception of anything is allowed to play through while the self remains, no matter what, come what may.

In light of this sitting with anything that arises, sorrow or joy – I sit with the moment of posting this video and the moment of moving on.  I sit with ones who will listen and respond to me with open hearts without judgement.  I sit with myself when I am full of ideas and when I can empty myself out of these ideas.  It is saturday morning, the 21st, solstice, and a particularly clear and simple bird song is coming through my window with the morning light – that sun light that will illuminate my corner of the world for a longest day of the year.  Love to you who venture here.


12 Jun


Did I draw this darkness to me?  Maybe.

Could have been that challenging student,

the complaints of my child,

the traffic, the heat –

but quick as a blink, I’ve

exchanged rose lenses

for cataracts.

No food, no phone call, no errand

will allow me escape when

the old hag is sitting on my chest.

With not enough air to even cry out –

I overcome panic and

let the message

sink in –

sink down –

drown me.

100,000 feet within me there is more

than I can understand,

cold, damp,

pregnant with a mystery –

what will be born?

I’ve been escaping into lists

penned with surface – purpose fantasies,

instead of sinking to the bottom.

I’ve made the darkness grow and

now, here it is:

a dusty brick weighting my heart.

Awful, this feeling.

But isn’t that just it – why I avoid looking here?

The aching seabed calls to me –

this bruise is my alarm.

How many lives will I run away?

How many times have I gotten busy,

engaging anyone who would have me,

to escape the soul reason I came for?

Though I shiver from a chill at 95 degrees,

every cell cuddles

and chooses to remain

with me.

I quit my face;  I silence my ringer;

I’m marrying my shadow

in a dark wedding.

I make no promises,

about the reception

on the other side,

but if I had to give odds,

I think it is already lifting and

I’d stick around for the lemon cookies –

If I were you,

which I am;

they are worth the wait.



lemon balls

The Family Table Institute of Higher Learning

6 Jun


Sit down when you eat,

no matter what is happening,

out of respect for the plant,

the sun,

the rain that brought

you all here together at the table.

Civilize, purify your body,

your tongue,

your home,

by walking through this fire.

I am talking to myself,

not you, but please

listen in.

Though the ruckus at our table may make you fall out of your chair,

don’t pretend; it’s not like you haven’t heard

the word FUCK before.

Bow your head to this,

the smallest of things are given:


grain of rice,

a tear,

an apology unforeseen,

a smile.

Rough waters can calm to a gentle bath

with I’m sorry I spoke to you that way – yet

easy to miss

is the enormous turning

that has taken place within

for those words to ever be spoken.

Gather the smallest parts

of you

that you have flung away.

Sit down and eat together.

Remain through awkward silences;

wait out the shouting match;

the profanity, cruelty, fear,

see the pain beneath the anger;

hold tight, hold tongue,

and remain.

Miracles are often on the other side of hopelessness,

believe me,  only

micro moments on the other side;

you might as well be in a new

world now, one hidden and impossible

only a moment ago.

Peace is here,

if you have the courage to

sit still

when every part of you

wants to flee.



I was one of those moms who worked hard to soften her voice.  I have a driving force that longs for interactions to be lovely.  My learning has often had to come with some bold and ugly contrast to the soft and lovely shell to help bring me into the REAL.   And what is not to love about REAL.  We are hungry for truth, I think; well, I know I am.  And truth has the space to be whatever it is – it isn’t wrapping itself inside a packet for sale.  The stench of pain needs space to breath.

The life of the modern American teen is seasoned with raw and brutal information – I do see evidence of the Kali Yuga’s growing darkness since the time of my teen years and I do not often know how to help my girls navigate these waters.  Giving space for the truth of their feelings and experience often looks a bit intense and ugly, to my tender eyes, at least.  But I have enjoyed a rawness I’ve seen in film for the reflection it offers back to me.

I love family scenes in movies.

Some are able to capture the grittiness that comes from the mashup of personalities that come to gather at the family table.   I embrace that stab at truth, for our world often just reflects to us the washed up, dressed up, keep a lid on it version of reality.  We need to see the underside of interaction, for in this shadowy version, we can see souls at work on the deeper threads and themes of growth – the intense growth that people have chosen in the experiences of family.

Walking through the ugly helps us get to the otherside, but denying the ugly, turning away – only  extends and increases the shadow.   The messy yuck of feelings, denied their voice, grow into demonic howls of torture.

I say, now after all these years, give messiness the floor when need be.  I will be a mom who shows up for the graduation, dressed appropriately, as long as I am also showing up for the pie throwing (turkey in the lap) at the dinner table later.

It takes courage to live  this life, full of personalities, suffering, imperfection, failure, the word fuck flying around the room in anger!   Squeeze the illusions of conflict, confusion, identity, jealousy, every flavor of your suffering, out of your being in the vice grip of the family table.  Walk away with a diploma from this Earth School.




this girl

5 Jun

What, are you magic, Chloe?

Yes, Yes you are!

Someone around here has been dreaming big and aligning herself with making what she wants come true.

In the Spring, there were not enough funds to make her college choice happen.

A long and winding road has led us to be less prepared for this transition than I would have hoped,

but always, we are dealt the perfect hand!

We have done our best to start over – but at times – I admit – I

can allow the day to day to limit my awareness of all that is possible.

I sign into my computer with a password “allpossible” everyday at work to remind me –

but still, when the figures on paper don’t add up – I can forget.

Chloe believed it was possible, and she lined herself up with making it happen.

She also taught her mom a thing or two along the way.

This girl:

chloe sunny

liked to see me sweat;

she made the journey seem uphill,

but by plugging along, scrambling for every last cent,

she has made college a happening.

She has been awarded 7 small scholarships –

she asked family, faculty, foundations for help;  she wrote essays, filled out

mega paperwork, and now, it appears, she has danced herself into a freshman year.

I have learned in this process to TRUST.

None of this moved forward with my worry.

Nothing happened from my inability to see solutions.

The provisions were there all along, each step of the way;  she figured it out, and I am

overcome with joy, gratitude and amazement for the gifts that wait for us to open them.

Yay, Chloe, the College of Charleston, Honors College, Biology Major, can-do, trusting girl!  You teach me oodles, every day!

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