Life as Improv

I once resided in a matrix built on the idea that a marriage had to survive no matter what.  Who built this grid?  I did.  Granted, the master designs for this planned community were laid out long before I came along.  I built onto a long tradition with my own dead ended ideas of right and wrong.  With the strong pressure for staying married, for following the social conventions, I can totally understand why I held on to those ideas for so long, 20 years in earth time 🙂

I came to smell the foul breath of dying from within.   From a deadend stop where I left myself no options,  I  wished that  All would  be over soon.  There are lenses through which the cake has always been too sweet, the dance chaotic, the dress stained, the milk turned sour, and the flowers faded and browning.  Oye.  What a sketchy neighborhood this is!

In this box,  the only legitimate reasons to leave a marriage were simple:   physical abuse, infidelity or drug addiction.   I was blind to any other options in my own reality even in the midst of a crumbling relationship and unreasonable conditions for long years of spiraling down.  I kept a smile on my face through misery and worked my diligent magic trying to fix everything that was being broken on purpose one step ahead of me.  The moment of realization was a toggle switch, I can’t fix this.  My job was to walk away in love.  Oh my, the light came on and my feet did walk in the direction that I needed to go.   The matrix crumbled in an instant and all the previous madness disappeared like the illusion that it was.  Gone.  Pooof!

Welcome to a  tiny borough that once existed in an overgrown and dying city within my little head.

Imagine the worlds we have all created, patterns of thoughts with neon signs and imagined progressions from one place to another, when all the while we are within a false grid with high walls at the edges.  Add them  all together and see them overlaid with the years of matrices before we got here, overlaid by some people who wish us no good, overlaid by the patterns of shadows made from some hidden darkness, overlaid by the game board we agreed upon before we came into our identities.  This is one damned beautiful and complicated basement game of Dungeons and Dragons – this life!  I made it all, or agreed to dwell within this mess, until I was miserable enough to say phew, this sucks; I am going to figure out what is wrong here.

The exit out does not have to be as uncomfortable as this birth scene, eh?

The game board was constructed before I even came here, yet it is added upon by me whenever I am unconsciously creating with my thoughts.  I am one of the builders of the Matrix.  I see myself spinning my little corner web, yet from my new angle, I also see the grand design of unfathomable size and elaboration.  We are born into practices, constructions, conditioning, cultures, religions, mindsets that we absorb as naturally as we breath.  I fell into living life in each and every constructed path set before me.  I’m was a good girl, I was.

Grids exist through beliefs; there are brilliant systems created for limiting human potential.  In these systems I have read about and sense oversight, myself, slight of hand, smoke and mirrors, distraction.  Who laid the patterns?  Who uses us to fill in the material with our divine spark, usurping our goodness wittingly.

This is the part I go full out woo.  You may want to stop here 🙂

Could some of these matrices we live in come from something beyond that which we can comprehend, but we can sense?  Yes, we know of greed, we know of control, power, selfishness, psychotics, narcissists.   Humans do have the potential for wrong.   But in a world of mostly good and kind people from my 47 years of walking around this world, how do we end up with a structured path set out that leads us through a world of disease?   Could some of the matrices come from eons of time, creations set out for the specific purpose of trapping our creative powers?  Who are the Archons, the Nagas, the Annunaki?  Why are the beasts afraid to show themselves, only acting from behind a veil, puppeting such clownish villains down here?

More interesting to me, though, is the idea that all of these elaborate games are in agreement for our growth.  The dark shadows we can explore collectively can overwhelm us into fear, paranoia, and powerless feelings, yet with just a little step back, we can come to the knowledge we are in a game, a game with high stakes.  Perhaps we need it to feel real so real growth can be made.

The more ways in which we can know ourselves truly, ease the suffering of others, wake up, fear less, laugh often and realize all is under control, ultimately, the more we will be able to dissolve and recreate anew.  We have chosen and designed our game.

There really isn’t a wall around me.  There is no path except to reject the one worn by conformity, conditioning, repetition.  There aren’t boundaries and acceptable routes.  Everything is open to fresh new choices in every moment.  How do we escape from the middle of the maze once we know this?

When I can catch myself headed down the deadend streets, I stop and just be.     The present moment and dropped identity are the trumpets of truth to disintegrate my walls. I see my own personal version of the Walls of Jerico come tumbling down.

The little matrices I spin and add to the whole world of delusion are getting caught and stopped more and more before they begin.  When I stop the incorrect thinking, all of the sudden color is brighter, smells are overwhelming, life is not an HD movie;  my daughters are living breathing beings interacting with me here and now, what did she just say?   oh my god, how delightful and i almost missed it weaving my world of thoughts over here.

Sometimes I even imagine I’ve just arrived, fresh from the other side, full of the truth of the game from the skybox.   I am a quarterback dropped into a living body in the 4th quarter.  Any move is possible without the weight of my story or  imagined limitations.  I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day; I am new and without chains, here changing the game, dissolving the walls, spinning no webs.

Tags: Awakening, detachment, Living in the Moment, Matrix, suffering