talking to myself

7 Aug

recipe-box

I AM talking to myself – who else is there?

When the mind goes quiet, there is nothing to say.  often there is still a voice. Though

every time I log on here and write something – I AM someone different.

I stumbled upon notebook after notebook of my recipes – cut, copied, scribbled down with cryptic-to-me-now notations – instructions and ingredients for cooking.  I am no longer that person.  In fact, i have become a disinterested and perhaps even a bad cook.  I’ll say it, I AM a bad cook, now;  how is that even possible?

the hunger is for the thing which cannot be made. cannot be tasted.  that which we become.  oh no. that which we are.

i don’t feel any way about any of it. good or bad, it’s okay,  i am on the ride and not holding on.  This stance to life means every definition and behavior WILL slip away.  the “I am” ideas of me go, some quickly and some so gradually i never realized until they were gone.  cook, mother, daughter, sister, helper, lover, bill payer, teacher, actor, young, middle, old, spry, slow…

this lack of self-definition makes interaction in most places surreal.  when listening and watching without  “I am” statements to think or say,   i hear with new ears.  At back to school orientation – I pay the fees, smile, listen to the conversations that dead-end quickly for lack of connection – so many people giving reports of  summer activity which feel like listings of status – bragging hidden behind complaints – i see words as ribbons spinning in instead of out – i feel a pull of sadness for the masks and facades that people hardly hear themselves constructing.  I see the loneliness behind the wall.  and the ease in which they might suddenly let it all go.

what i see in stillness while still moving are the moments to help us all unwind the inward swirl through a laugh, through the eyes, a few words, a gift, acceptance.  presence helps us help each other to just be – together – in these moments.  I still myself to have this flow more and more —————>

In the night, when I realize that I have shifted from sleeping to some other state, where the mind is going through lists, dilemmas, scenarios, I am lost for a bit in the twirl of that and then just by listening as if I am someone else, what seemed urgent suddenly falls away into a dark room with the hint of first light coming.

Sometimes I hear myself saying an “I am” something, and I have to laugh.  I want to immediately say, I am, yes, but I am also not.  the use of words becomes a riddle – and i dance between the forrest and the town, a bit of a troll, a crone, a madwoman on the edge –

humming a happy tune.

16 Responses to “talking to myself”

  1. kimberlyharding August 7, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    Yes 🙂 We contain everything within us, don’t we? So ” I AM” statements can be quite limiting. It is interesting to see you track your own changes- especially in relation to cookbooks and cooking- what an interesting point for this awareness 🙂

    • marga t. August 7, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

      Thank you, Kimberly. So strange and fun, the shedding of limitations.

  2. mcwatty9 August 7, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    Try Frosted Mini Wheats. They’re delicious. One bowl, twenty pieces, add milk. Use spoon, chew tiny pieces, smile, relax. You did it!

    • marga t. August 7, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

      LOVE your share and POV – turns the navel gazing on its head! Great! And now I won’t starve. 🙂

  3. Kelly Kuhn August 7, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

    I didn’t think when I started blogging that it would lead me to people like you. Here I’ve been so hungry for people to share this journey with, and I knew I could possibly find them through the internet, but I didn’t know how or didn’t really try. Anyway, I started blogging and reading blogs, and I found you and others. And I’m blown away when I read beautiful posts like this, and I think, “Yes, that’s how I feel!” (Except that I wish I could express it as beautifully as you.)

    Thank you, marga, for being on this path and sharing it with others.

    • marga t. August 7, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

      How beautiful you are, Kelly! We say those words in sync, “Yes, that Is how I feel!” as I read what is so wonderfully expressed through your lens. To go so many years being out of sync with those around me, this ingathering of kindred sharing the path is beyond a gift! Thank you so much for putting into words the way I feel with your comment! x!m

      • Kelly Kuhn August 9, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

        I was nominated for the WordPress Family Award, and when I learned what it was, you were high on my list of people to nominate. I am grateful to be in this blogger/seeker family with you. http://www.kellykuhn.com/2013/08/wordpress-family-award/

      • marga t. August 9, 2013 at 7:13 pm #

        Kelly, thank you so much for including me in your WordPress family – a family table with ever expanding seats. These virtual connections are filling in so tangibly – hard to explain – but there and ever growing by the day 🙂 So nice. I will enjoy exploring your links to the family I haven’t met yet!

  4. kenajos August 7, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

    Oh boy. You’re down that rabbit hole for sure now..good things. Thank you for this beautiful report.

    • marga t. August 7, 2013 at 10:43 pm #

      oh boy – yes, and good things. I so loved my visit to your corner today – how beautiful to know you as kindred out there! 🙂 x!m

  5. lauriesnotes August 8, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    Lovely…especially I re -read the part about stillness while still moving..
    What a different place this would be if we all could see this way.. and support each other.
    Thank you.
    Love –
    Laurie

    • marga t. August 8, 2013 at 12:43 pm #

      You picked up on the part that comes from my dear friend, Maren.
      http://seeingm.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/circling-in-the-windmills-of-my-mind/
      I have heard her using this phrase or variations of it and have found this truth to be so pivotal for me – the stillness while in motion. And I’ve found the connections/friendships made now in this new flow are all about the moving and the stillness – where as the static connections that held the other or self in place have fallen away. I think we are creating this different place you speak about, you, me, Maren, Erin, (http://awakein365days.com), I could list for hours – isn’t that amazing!: how blessed to be still, moving together, creating “that” place (which is probably also moving). Many Blessings on your Head, Laurie, these last precious days of summer with your daughter!

      • lauriesnotes August 8, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

        Thank you. It is an honor to be in such company.
        L

  6. andelieya 安德洌雅 (official) August 9, 2013 at 2:20 am #

    Have you seen the movie Samsara? Your thoughts in this post remind me a little of it.

    • marga t. August 9, 2013 at 2:33 am #

      NO, but I just watched the trailer, wow! I am sorry I missed that on a big screen! thank you for bringing this to my attention, Andelieya. Netflix hopefully soon! Hope you are well!

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