Tag Archives: surrender

out of my hands

9 Mar


At many points along the journey, there seem to be no answers. (through the myopic lens)  The mind wants to ask the same question over and over.  The doer wants to create some action to fix something, move something forward, make something happen.  The sufferer wants to bang its head against a hard surface to physically represent the inner looping frustration of an impasse.

I have a quirk that has served to get things out of my hands and into the hands of something larger than myself.

I make lists.

I often list my worries, as they occur; the biggest unsolvables that are layered deep in my heart make it on to the lists in notebooks,  on receipts, napkins…anything I can find in moments of worry.  As this transfer occurs from inner to outer,  I find myself releasing the tight gripping fingers of control and the delusion of fixing.

I don’t remember when it first happened, but the day when I first found a forgotten list was BIG because:

Every damn thing on that list had been resolved – some magically and some methodically.   I had at once absolute validation of a force much larger than I – at work;  I had PROOF.  That isn’t always true; some people/items/dilemmas on my list remain for years unresolved, but at least they are symbolically out of my hands and on the lists.

Many times I struggle with the steering wheel, trying to be the one driving, feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed!   When I remember to make the list, I can still be helpful to the solution, I’m just not grasping.    ALL is out of my hands – always – in all ways.  Tangibly marking this to be true has been helpful to me along the way.

%d bloggers like this: