Tag Archives: Self Love

a soft answer to the questioning of love

21 Nov

“Whatever we pay attention to, we care about.  It brings out our caring.  You discover the belonging that was there but hidden.  It is there with every living thing of this universe if we slowed down and we reached out.  Not only does it wake up our hearts, but it ripples out.”

out here

11 Apr

The crispy shells of the rice stalks

stir up

in the breeze,

murmuring as I pass by.

These tall brown ancestors of last year’s crop

stand by to guide the green shoots rising up –

I listen to the rustling

of a whole tribe  –

I am back and they remember me.

I am spending so much time alone

I am learning to hear

way down

for the way

that I am one

yet integral –

all alone, so far away,

yet never by myself,

except when I turn on

the radio of my thoughts

and forget even where I am.

The only togetherness

I long for is this oneness

and I wish to only be

near another

who is listening in this way

to the wind, the pattern in the crickets

as they turn on one by one at dusk.

It is enough to know the gift of aloneness;

it is enough to measure my days

in ways

that suit the sun

the wind

the needs

of no one –

so quietly

strutting

along

in the whole wide world

of me.

does love ever sleep?

12 Feb

“When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.”
― John O’DonohueAnam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

Love sleeps and love awakens, or love is there all the time while we sleep and awaken.  All love is the same love but sometimes love is in the form of a cat, a person, a place; love makes us grow beyond the perimeters of our skin cells into the extension of all seen and unseen, dense or light,  out beyond all ideas of this and that, as strong at its farthest edges as it is in the core.  Does it have any edges?

I am no expert on Astrology – but I like the larger scale clockiness of it.  I like the zooming out to measure time and seasons from the far out dials of the planets.  To the modern scientific mind, the whole thing is lunacy – superstition, poppycock.  But there is something in the rhythm and patterns that has always resonated at a deeper level within this girl, even when she belonged to the religion of her childhood that called this ancient pattern recognition a pseudo-science, and an evil one at that, yet I could not stop the patterns from clicking in my deeper awareness.  I could see the overlay of overt and subtle traits within everyone I knew, everyone I met.  The suns and moons of people I knew formed a pattern that I could recognize before I even studied a thing.  And there is a recurrent synch for me – probably because I put attention there, of overlapping birthdays in my life.    I could bore you with the details, but I won’t.  Just a few days ago, I discovered another of these overlaps – all they do is point for me – tell me to pay attention.

My interest in this area was my hidden vice for years as I saw it, but when Richard Tarnas was on the very “respectable” (wink wink) NPR show, Diane Rehm, I perked up.  The author of the most widely used Intro to Western Philosophy book used in colleges was on NPR talking about Astrology.  I bought his book, Cosmos and Psyche and came out of the closet.  The regular world did not catch on to this turning of the tides, so I felt a bit chagrined with my outing at times.

I inhabit another world entirely now, a world parallel yet invisible to mainstream concerns.   I am not one to share my interest or knowledge randomly in the world.  It is enough that something speaks to me.

This winding road is all just to mention – Venus went direct last week or gosh, more than that now.  From the later part of December to the end of January was a wonderful month plus for examining love, luxury, pleasure, as Venus appeared to go backwards in the sky.  A time for laying low and exploring what gives pleasure.

For a good while now, I’ve been asking, “What brings me joy down to my toes and up to my crown?”   Do I know the answer to this question?   I am in recovery from a swirling, vacant selflessness disorder.     In answering this question, I found myself creating a symbolic alter to recognize these discoveries and to relish and welcome what I would like to encounter more of in my life.  What fun I have had!

venus magic

This post will out me.  I guess I’m okay with that.

I’m having a sort of fun that takes me back to preschool – I pull up a chair to the play dough station; I get my hands dirty; I lose hours in creating without a thought of the end result.  Not art, but play.

I use my hands and scissors and rubber cement glue and and old box from the earth fare store to dream up my life anew.

Here is my alter to Venus, full of symbolic notations to my self along the way to honor the things that please me to no end.  There are rocks and feathers, symbols and mysteries, love notes and chopsticks, a peace sign and a world globe, rice and a battery, a surging heart and a sunrise, poetry and seeds, mandalas and  textured bark, a glimmering eye for humor, poetry, a screwdriver and a hammer, notes to remind me of who I am, and some silver coins.

The pretend worlds we created on the playground as children are closer to the true flow and power source of humans than the mature, mundane, mechanical march deemed adult and respectable.   If we dream it, it can come 🙂  I’m not dreaming of dead baseball players, though.  I am dreaming my own colorful version of life, moment by moment, while my now is perfect just the way it is.  I’m just left of the swings, watching the vortex above the spinning merry-go-round,  if you want to join me.

get over myself

29 Dec

machina_sn_oacute_w_may_by_frodok-d5yk3kv

even at the beginning

edge of memory,

she was here,

making absurd

through the observing:

siblings,

settings,

ill-fitting clothes of every era,

Polaroid snapshot gatherings,

grass and apple trees,

clubs and cliques and tube tops,

imagined crushes,

shameful invisibility.

Do you remember, she says, oh never mind,

we know together of

getting lost on purpose,

breaking down beside roads,

hating picnics for the trouble of it all,

or sucking the stuckness

of traffic jam hours –

inching inching inching

wanting to open the door and run away

leaving a car, a purse, a self behind?

Was she holding me in a

haze of ether,

as I was coming to and going out,

dreaming of awake,  awake and dreaming?

Here’s the gift of all these years –

freedom has always been mine.

The prison of duty was self made, by listening to the song:

do as we wish and good things will come to you…

I knew a song so much better than that –

Her hum was that song

remember – not to forget

in the comic book, flip-through life –

of confusion.

How else would I know to change except through discomfort?

How else would I come to know that me is

one instrument, learning to play itself,

except for the sullied

fingers across my keys – the discordant disymphony?

I feel the ivory for myself;

I may play one note for the next 10 years

who gives a goodgoddamn, ain’t nothing but my own composition

and never was anything else at all –

a sound wave disappearing from the ears

only

to become truly seen.

The face in the back becomes the face in the fore –

a journey to the laughter

that I AM.

stars are not alone in the sky

24 Dec

frodo-walking-under-starlight-drawingOn the couch, as I respond to a call from my daughter, which then requires some follow up calls, I watch the light fade in the sky through the windows.  Now the sky is dark.  Rain starts falling.

I am alone in my house.  I am alone and connected to everything.

I see my own creation of spaciousness flying toward me  now, a wonderful, old friend surprising me by its arrival.    I am  engulfed.   This is very good.  I make this happen.

In previous lives I have known, being alone through a holiday season full of expectations might have  looked a bit lonely, but  I imagine anyone who stops by here, you great life improvisors, would see a solitary holiday in a different light.  Of course,  “light has no mind for repetition…” according to John O’Donohue, as I am reminded of here  where Sister M is also the DJ at my private party tonight.

There is no such thing as lonely.

There could never be such a thing as lonely again.

I am in heaven here alone, while also…

I release heaven here on earth through my very being – which is so clear now that I have given myself the space to see that this is so.  I heard an interview with Mark Nepo on my long drive yesterday.     His voice and words flooded my chest with warm remembrance.

LITTLE BY LITTLE (Mark Nepo)

Some days I plod like an ant so focused on the grain above my head that the next step holds all of life, and I feel in the lineage of slaves pushing the next stone up an unfinished pyramid. Then, without reason, life opens and flows with an unearned ease that I can’t describe. When it leaves, like a breeze of Spirit, I feel renewed and certain that God is in both the moment of lift and the moment of ease. In the moment before pain and after. So I’ve given up wishing for ease and running from pain. Everything on Earth moves by this inching between ease and pain. It’s how we grow. And praising both, surrendering to both, accepting both is the work of love. Little by little, the way an ameba pulses under a microscope, the soul within a human being pulses like a faint star throbbing in place. Our spirit seems to emanate as our psychology constricts. The contrast makes us glow and shimmer. It’s useless to want to bypass this journey. For it’s only by inhabiting it that we chance to know Eternity, not as some far off place reserved for saints, but as the Numinous Delta in which the very marrow of life forms and reforms. To live in this unending dynamism, between being and becoming, is the path of transformation. More than finding Heaven on Earth, we are asked to release Heaven by living here on Earth.

(My choice for words in bold.)

In these days of spaciousness, I fall into the arms of Peace while also meeting Challenge dead in her fierce(ened) face.   I no longer feel quick sanded by the pain; there is more ease is in the flow even in the midst of challenge, knowing this is part of the pulsing of the star that I am. 🙂   I am up here twinkling in that very same sky, this holiday season, with an overhead look down upon you all –  you with family, with friends, active, and festive, or perhaps you are alone like me, spacious and beautiful remembering with me as we go through our Holy days.   Big Starshine love travels from me to you and from you to me as we hang here in the seasonless sky –

I know you to be well in our togetherness!   So so shiny are we! 

in love with love

5 Nov

Green_Tea_by_Green_Tea_Leaves

I eat my food with my eyes closed.  I feel the texture of the cracker on my tongue.  I taste the salty, taste the sweet.  I chew slowly while I see the experience in utter darkness – my tastebuds projected on an empty screen.

When I forget, I forgive myself immediately.  I laugh at my sudden panic and call myself sweetheart and precious.

I appreciate how soft the skin feels as I give my arms a gentle rub from shoulder to finger tips.  I let my hands talk of love.

I close my eyes in the shower and breath in the wonder of the steam; I feel each stream of water as it touches my head, my shoulders, my back.  I love  the legs that hold me upright here for such an experience as this.  I bow to the many who never once have had the sensuality of a hot shower, but instead bathe in streams, muddy puddles, out of buckets;  I envision them in comfort as well.  I stand in the knowledge of this privilege.  I stand and enjoy for them for now, without guilt but with pleasure and gratitude and awareness of the puzzling flow of fate and birth.   I send love to the four corners of us all in every walk.

When I go to bed, I rub my hand along the sheets.  Ah so wonderful to have clean bedding to cover a platform that cradles me so.   I love the solid soft that holds me here – I feel the spirit of the atoms coming together to make this bed to support my rest.

I fall into darkness that turns to places of teaching.  I allow the lessons and the visits.  I bring some strangeness  back that wishes to enhance my waking. I  remember the communion with the self with whom no language applies.  I thank her for creating the dreamscape which is so like the waking one, a holodeck built just for me.  I open to the gifting of strong feelings, though they may make me uncomfortable, for when I really feel them fearlessly, without blinking, I seem to learn faster.

I realize I dwarf this planet, yet here I am, shrunken, hilariously so, into a name, an identity, a zip code.

I accept messes my eyes see,  I clean them up gladly and share some tea from my grandmother’s pot.   I make the breakfast, pay the bills, close my eyes with every sip of morning.

In these ways i remember when I forget.

goodness, gracious me

21 Jul

My small fractal self is a real thing.  I am here in the flesh, learning how to walk the path of marga.  and even if she is infinitely small in one sense, she is also infinitely large experiencing itself the only way it can through her – as she learns to say yes to her very own journey.

Alex_Grey-Ophanic_Eyelash

Ophanic Eyelash

more and more I find my choices are more in line with true self love rather than the version i had been employing for most of my life.  moving in the direction of joy or what feels good is so antithetical to the mistaken idea of goodness that many of us carry around.  corners of a square of dark chocolate with sea salt, a gentle nuzzling with the kitty who sits at our front door, grass and sand under my soft feet, watching a movie with chloe, napping when needed, tasting the irish breakfast tea in my cup, switching midstream from a plan to a more open flow.  it isn’t very complicated.

i love my daughters as naturally and openly as anything i’ve experienced thus far – my dividing cells that helped create them still ache deep inside me while inside them.  it aches in a spot I cannot touch to be a parent.  Yet i can see how their own lack of self love causes their suffering.  the tenderness i extend so naturally to them has been such a great teacher for the tenderness i so naturally can chose to extend to myself.

there are many places that i haven’t gone this summer so far that not long ago i would have made myself go.   the shoulds again, I repeat myself.  there are places we go for all sorts of reasons.  religious ceremonies that we do not wish to attend.  reunions, parties, visits to relatives.  each time these invites or offers came up, i sensed my knee-jerk impulse of should.  I should go.  I should be there.  I should allow my ex mother-in-law to stay at my house. Something made me stop and check in with myself.  do i feel like it?  i have a long history of pleasing – and finally – it is clear – i please myself.

i please myself.

this is good.

pleasing myself is good.

Slowing down to kindergarten language…why?  Because at first, stepping away from pleasing others feels wrong to some of us.  The things I have stepped away from in the past few years triggered my conditioning – my living a life in part, a big part, as an expression of the expectation of others.

I don’t mind saying this – this newbie admission – because it is so powerfully true – and can crop up over and over.

There are polar reactions to the statement I please myself.  Either, right on sister – pleasing you is what is good for you and the world.  Or a thought that I am on a path of pure selfishness.  The thought that thinks I am selfish thinks selflessness is virtuous.

What is selflessness?  Not doing what pleases me, reducing my joy.  My state of loss makes me feel small and cut off from the flow of all life.  Selflessness is me refusing to be here and live a life of my choosing where I am lost in a dream of my smallness.  The state of confusion and loss is infectious – the virus of resistance!

What is the wrongly perceived selfishness?  If I do what pleases me, I am in a state of joy.  My state of joy is larger and more open to the flow of all life.  I am here, as i chose to be, living a life of my choosing, and that is big beyond the self.  That state of joy is infectious – the virus of YES!

saying no to the long drive and awkward gathering with others with whom I am out of sync felt delicious.  Saying no to the house guest was generous.  Generous to me!   the outfall that came toward me from other people didn’t phase me a bit.  the guilt trip language of others has become so transparent.  without any guilt in me for doing my divinely given mission – pleasing myself – no guilt can stick.  hallelujah.

where does this lead?

to more good.

goodness, gracious me 🙂

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