Tag Archives: perspective

no one is alone

13 Mar

It got pretty rough going there for a while.  In fact, I think that this latest rough patch is what started me blogging to begin with in November – I was in a tough spot and I had no idea what to do.  This blog helped mirror in words yet another angle to view me at the place I found myself to be.

As the rough patch smooths out a bit now, I feel the inclination to move on quickly with nary a glance behind.   I bet I’m not the only one who feels that pull after challenges pass.  In some ways, moving on seems only good;  now is now another now and the now from before is OVER.  Why navel gaze about the recent past?

This is the view looking behind me on the trail:

evilforest

The reason I can stop here and look back is because ahead of me looks a bit like this:

idyllic pathWhat I most want to say is how damned grateful I am in this moment.  I am so very full of my own blessings, I am spilling out all over the place 🙂  I share this spot on my journey not because I wish to make my experiences some screenplay I’m powering up with self-importance.  My stuff is the same stuff we all have going on, but we don’t always know or remember that in the thick of the dark shadows.

What is clearer now:  There are no nice neat answers!  Anything I try to sum up, doesn’t add up;  I have no clear story to tell.  I am forced to acknowledge, the parts don’t make a whole;  they just are parts, experienced.  Life sucks at math, even simple addition.  Well, life doesn’t; my human interpretation of the math sucks.  Diagnosis at any point of the path is a false concept because in the material plane, all can change in the blink of an eye to something else entirely.

The only thing of relevance is this: we can walk through the dark scary places and again find ourselves in the sun and we are never alone.

I grew up putting on a mask to make me seem together.  I didn’t know you could function another way.

Seen with new eyes is this:  Honest and naked walking is the only way to to go.  Problems that are hidden go on to fester and grow in the shadows.  Speaking the truth, saying what is actually happening, allows nothing to remain hidden.  It matters not if people think we’ve got our shit together, because truth be told, we don’t.    We are only living moment to moment by the grace of god, universe, flow at any point.  Everything can fall apart, and often that is not as pretty as a picture, for all to see.

But I have a feeling, from many points of view, there is nothing more beautiful than the truth:  raw, naked and real!

NO ONE IS ALONE

from Into The Woods – Stephen Sondheim

No one here to guide you

Now you’re on your own

Only me beside you

Still your not alone

No one is alone

Truly

No one is alone

Sometimes people leave you

Half-way through the wood

Others may deceive you

You decide what’s good

You decide alone

But no one is alone

People make mistakes

Father’s, Mother’s

People make mistakes

Holding to their own

Thinking they’re alone

Honor their mistakes

Everybody makes

One another’s terrible mistakes

Witches can be right

Giants can be good

You decide whats right

You decide whats good

Just remember

Someone is on your side

Someone else is not

Well we’re seeing our side

Maybe we forgot

They are not alone

Cause no one is alone

Hard to see the light now

Just don’t let it go

Things will come out right now

We can make it so

Someone is on your side

No one is alone

This World is Nothing What it Seems

22 Feb

Drawing Hardship

Be grateful when what seems unkind

comes from a wise person.

Once, a holy man,
riding his donkey, saw a snake crawling into
a sleeping man’s mouth! He hurried, but he couldn’t
prevent it. He hit the man several blows with his club.

The man woke terrified and ran beneath an apple tree
with many rotten apples on the ground.

“Eat!” You miserable wretch! Eat.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Eat more, you fool.”

“I’ve never seen you before! Who are you? Do you have some
inner quarrel with my soul?”

The wise man kept forcing him to eat, and then he ran him
For hours he whipped the poor man and made him run.
Finally, at nightfall, full of rotten apples,
fatigued, bleeding, he fell
and vomited everything,
the good and the bad, the apples and the snake.

When he saw that ugly snake
come out of himself, he fell on his knees
before his assailant.

“Are you Gabriel? Are you God?
I bless the moment you first noticed me. I was dead
and didn’t know it. You’ve given me a new life.
Everything I’ve said to you was stupid!
I didn’t know.”

“If I had explained what I was doing,
you might have panicked and died of fear…

God’s silence is necessary, because of humankind’s

faintheartedness. If I had told you about the snake,
you wouldn’t have been able to eat, and if
you hadn’t eaten, you wouldn’t have vomited.

I saw your condition and drove my donkey hard
into the middle of it, saying always under my breath,
‘Lord, make it easy on him.’ I wasn’t permitted to
tell you, and I wasn’t permitted to stop
beating you!”

The healed man, still kneeling,
“I have no way to thank you for the quickness
of your wisdom and strength
of your guidance.
God will thank you.”

– Rumi

 

Is a New Paradigm Just Another Pull of Duality?

13 Jan

between

On one side of the crevasse is an opening of cooperation, flow, creative play,  music, poetry, dancing, sharing, appreciation, connection, personal sovereignty…

The other side is our known “Down the Rabbit Whole” world about which Alice would no longer say, “Curiouser and Curiouser,” I suspect.  She would be wigging out!  Ramped up chaos, lies, distraction, imbalance, escalation,  noise,noise,noise…

Joseph Campbell in one of his lectures said, “The world is a mess.  The world has always been a mess.”    Through one view, that is sort of the point of the world, isn’t it?  Duality, polarity, paradox.  Perhaps it was never intended to be fixed – merely experienced.

And in the flow of merely experiencing this world, the above picture is not actually accurate.  The two sides actually overlay one another – they are occurring together.  The mess is still here, not ignored, but can be watched with attention, without  emotional sway.  The bliss and flow can also also watched with attention, without emotional attachment.

One moment follows another  and it is a pretty good show from this seat.

The idea that we have participated in creating this amazing murder mystery theatre show for ourselves is simply wonderful to me.  Think of this.  We thought up:   Crop Circles, Oceans, Aliens, Tornados, Mystery Schools, Palm Reading, Basil,  Sex, Soul Mates, Geometry, Black Holes, God, Lucifer, Quarks, Secret Societies, Kittens, Weather, Flowers, Hitler, Lobster, Worms, Films, Paint on Canvas, Unseen Realms, and most of all, unfathomable SPACE surrounding us between micro particles, between atoms, between planets, between solar systems, between galaxies, between multiple universes even…IMMENSE SPACE between everything –  just to the brain-aching tip of what we can fathom – and  we plopped ourselves here with Amnesia.

Damn we are good!

Burn This.

19 Dec

Is there anything more important than remembering?

no.

Sometimes in the presence of grace, memories of egoic responses are a movie I watch about me as someone else from a distance.

 Last night after two days of intense looking at the cold, harsh truth through one lens (Where does one turn for help with teenage angst that won’t offer Zoloft as a solution?), I couldn’t help but “zoom out.” (Phrase borrowed from a teacher sublime, btw, Neilkramer.com…for another post!)

Still, here I am.   I am walking through the grocery, smiling, while the circumstances wouldn’t warrant that response 🙂

I fall in love with a cold lemon and the way it fits in my palm.

 A man with a froggy voice wishes me well; we share love through our eyes and I pass it on to the woman behind the plant counter which takes her by surprise!

All the while, I don’t remember my story.  I seem to let all unfold as it will – in this grace.  This grace will become a constant – is the constant, though there is still forgetting.

Burning up seems a sort of tragedy in one way, but these fires are gifts sent to me for just that purpose.

Just this and to realize that lemons are very sexy 😉

Amazing interwoven thread of connection from a wise and loving sol.

Come Closer

4 Dec

Image

Found this note on the sidewalk today.

When I saw it on the ground, I kept walking and I smirked a bit, I admit, thinking of the smart ass things one could write  on the note and leave back on his/her  car.

On my way back the note was still there, waiting for me to pick it up.

The receiver of such a message might have never even seen it, judging from it’s sidewalk location.

So much here in these few  words…

This note expresses displeasure and perhaps, he/she did have quite a difficult time trying to get through the car door.  It is annoying when some seem so oblivious to the idea of sharing space with others.  But I also imagine being on the receiving end of this note.  Would this note cause the receiver to park differently next time?  Would the humanity shared be bridged here?

I don’t think so.

I know all about annoying behavior.  I am so annoying.  I know I am.  My daughters say I repeat myself over and over again, which sends their impatience through the roof.  I don’t mean to, but often, there are misunderstandings if I don’t – rides needed that never show up, missed events, items forgotten…

Sharing space is tricky for me.

I have been overcoming clausterphobia since moving off the boat.  This condition has caused me to allow the voice in my mind to tell me that I can’t breath and I need to escape any way possible to get out of elevators, cars, classrooms…In this state of mind, there is actually no oxygen.  In these moments of blindness, human angels have appeared to me, helping me to breath, short breath in, long breath out.  A math professor across the hall, whom I have only seen in passing, got in my face, “Darth Vader” breaths he said.  And by helping me CLOSELY in this way, he helped me shift to where there was oxygen again, room in my lungs to take it in.   Breath. Life. Space. Options. Possibility.

Sometimes when my mind said it needed space, it actually needed the help of someone coming closer, as close as possible.  Paradoxical, that.

Right now my daughter and I are head to head.  I feel held over a barrel of ego and distortion through an incorrect lens.  This makes me want to get out; the circular dynamic  feels as if it takes all oxygen from the room, from the world…and yet if I can rest in the state of being (not mind) where there is breath, life, space, possibility – I can move in closer.

Could I park any closer to the shadows in my life?

Nope.

Addendum:  Just found my therapy session for my claustrophobia.

Here is Some Helpful Advice 😉

 

YOU ARE HERE!

2 Dec

Image

Gosh.  I know right where I am.

A few days pass.  In between grading poetry anthologies, I take a little journey into reading the blogs out there that I have never seen.  Along this journey, I run across Awakeandfindingpurpose.wordpress.com and there I find another path walker sharing nakedly and beautifully.  This find then leads to some more bread crumbs along the way to Theawakeneddreamer.com…Wowza.  I am ready to hear this voice and experience stepping into her “telling” right now.

Rocking on my heels…ready to stop, and drop it all, no fear, just “come on fellas, show a girl the launching pad?”  Ah hahahahahaha.  Cue Alicia Silverstone Clueless voice, “As if….”

The empty mind times feel as nourishing as a bowl full of steamed spinach, a pure glass of water after a walk by the marsh.  Then the busy mind times feel like consuming cheeze doodles and dr. pepper.  Ugh.

So much has fallen away that I am full of longing for the rest to fall away.  I have had a shift; now I “know” the Eckhart Tolle park bench moment is coming.  Of course it is.  Everything to this point has led me along, and Everything will always continue to do so.  “She” let go of the grass reeds on the bank of the raging river a while ago.

I used to sneak away when my girls were young to go to a Thich Nhat Hanh Meditation Group in the basement of a Modern Baptist Church in Charlotte for one-half hour of sitting and one-half hour of walking meditation, followed by an awkward discussion of thoughts jumbled with ideology jumbled with all manner of open and closed, seeing and blind.  And I remember saying out loud, “Gosh, I just realized in the past few weeks that over 98% of what I think about is unnecessary.”  And a woman gave me and look, and said, “Really.  That’s messed up.  What do you think about?”  Indeed 🙂 What do we all think about?  But I was so new to the path, I thought I had said something so obviously stupid and wrong.

Most MIND is pretty close to that percentage…I stop and listen to mind chatter throughout the day.  What is it going on about?  At best, most of it is unnecessary, noisy blabbering, at worst painful confusion.

Paradoxically,  I don’t have to do anything about it.  I don’t have to sit on it, stuff it down.

Image

I just look at it.

It is going away… Soon, perhaps today it will fall away entirely; how beautiful!

“silence is the language of god,
all else is poor translation.”

― Rumi

Merging

27 Nov

Eden is in a play. Good. But also, this means lots of rehearsals and late night pick ups. My days do start at 5:15, but even without that early start, I’m not a good late night girl – never have been.

So yesterday, after waiting for her text to come get her, after trying to keep myself awake enough to drive downtown to pick her up, after bundling up for the drop in temperature, I was vaguely feeling put out: tired, oblivious, chilled.

Crossing the bridge from James Island to downtown, listening to Terry Gross on Fresh Air interviewing someone about food and cooking, I passed a woman walking the 2 mile bridge alone in the cold and in the dark.

Where is this lady going? Is she safe by all the rushing cars? How must that breeze feel across the marsh and water as she trudges along?

Some days I think I struggle but…

I am in my warm car; my car works; I have enough money for the week, the month, the next foreseeable future. I have a beautiful actress waiting on me, depending on me. We have food; we have the freedom to enjoy whatever we can imagine…

Yeah, yeah, yeah… I just gave you the feel-good, junk food, Hallmark card of gratitude.

What I really want to say is that in that moment, when I see the lady crossing the bridge, in the dark, in the cold, alone, I become her. I do. I walk in those feet. Identity is so slippery, I feel like I have to be careful at the stoplights for I slip into every person behind the wheel of every car that goes by.

When Chloe was one, through strange circumstances, I found myself strolling through the red light district of Amsterdam with a baby strapped on my back. I was glancing about and suddenly locked eyes with a woman dancing in a window: Me dressed in such a costume of motherhood and her a woman almost naked trying hard to lure men inside in the afternoon, glaring sun. Such outward contrast, yet she and I both knew in that moment that we were one and the same. I was in the window, and she was walking along with a baby.

Through merging in this way came a “knowing” of how transportable, transient and transcendent we truly are! Don’t let the costumes fool you!

 

 

Addendum:

My friend sent me this clip, which came into her mind from this post.  Now I get to be Marlee Matlin too!  🙂

Scene from Bleep

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