Tag Archives: no mind

the sauna

14 Oct

Not sure why,

but I am compelled to cook this body.

As my skin pinks, I feel

my thoughts leaving –

squeezed out in beads of sweat.

I hear the racquetball bouncing so loud off the walls

that I think the sounds I hear

may be coming from the walls of my cranium,

being played like an instrument.

I am a hollowed-out gong,

listening to the ricochet off spine vibrating

low to high notes of emptiness.

The glue that holds it all together has melted

and a heel bone is floating free.

A recurring conversation is heard

(by whose ears?)

in the women’s locker room outside,

between a motherless girl and a worker.

They are searching everywhere for the small girl’s mother, Mary.

Mary may be in the pool – they leave to go see.

Mary is not in the pool.

Mary may be in the spin class – they leave again

and return.

Mary may be in the sauna.

I feel their eyes as they peer through the glass door at me:

Are you Mary?

No. I say.  I am not Mary.

Are you this girl’s mother?

No. I say, as the girl stares in my face

as if she is wondering if I may be Mary, if I may be her mother,

transformed.

Could the sauna be a high-tech machine

from the future?

In you go as you,

out you come as another?

Am I only half-baked into my new form?

I feel unsure.

I could be Mary after all.

Who is now sitting in this little, hot box?

They leave again to go search.

For Mary.

A woman appears in the glass,

fiddling with the heat button.

Catching sight of me,

she beams – white teeth, bright eyes;

she goes

to the mirror to fix her hair.

I feel this face still beaming back at her long after she has left.

Soon this body moves to leave;

where does the will to move begin?

I am sure in this moment that the body moves

and the mind follows, like a dog following its master

and not the other way around.

What life am I returning to?

Stepping from the heat,

as the girl and I are reunited,

my thoughts are full of ice cream

and balloons, and she shall

tell me where we live.

I have lost my mind

18 Sep

you are welcome to join me.

lost my mind

i’ve lost my mind.

Stepping outside

the lines

i am

that i drew myself;

who knows that

the ground is not lava

but ground,

the alligator is not hungry,

the bear just needed a scratch behind his ears?

The chasm has iced over

for an easy crossing.

Tomorrow the paddy wagon may come –

but I will be

strutting away

measuring the strength of my new step.

I meet your eyes –

you can frown

or grin back at me,  either way –

not knowing what is coming

is what makes

it all so fun.

Take a helium hit

from my pipe,

explode out the crown,

with no worry

for the tax man’s

comings and goings

counting out Caesar’s share,

now that you know money

is like weather.

When you and I can enjoy

the rain

the sun

the blustery afternoon,

so many beasts curl up in our laps,

just looking for some rest.

empty in a good way

30 Apr

 

i stand between two trunks

and borrow their stillness,

which they are happy to share.

Their joy  is like no other:

deeply rooted yet still reaching: solid.

The bark, wordless and rough –

doesn’t give in and

doesn’t push back.

What more is there than this?

The seeming flurry and slurry

of problems sink down into the earth

or travel up into the leaves –

dabble dance

light and

shade – upon my feet.

You could charge by the hour, tree,

but you are paid in full

with no hand out –

in sun,

in  rain.

If only people knew,

they would

line up outside the gate,

come in one by one,

leaning themselves up

as needed.

They could stay as long as they liked,

learning not to

fear uncertainty.

If you wonder,

can i bear another spring?

another summer?

If there is not food of the world

that feeds you anymore –

lean into the space you have made

don’t rush to understand –

learn a thing from this

double-trunk tree.

 

 

 

 

 

radical perfection

21 Feb

No need to take your shoes off for

the temple in my head for

you cannot sully

what I see:

the in and the out,

the hard and the soft,

the clean and the dirty –

who sees the distinction?

Answer that question !

Who sits on the cusp between

this and that,

seeing a difference?

Seems once I see that

line judge,

up on her high chair,

the boundaries

disassemble into their

blurred perfection;

every orb is one whole thing,

no dark side of my moon.

glory be

7 Jun

sunrise over ashley river

in the middle of the night – it all becomes so clear.

Sleeplessness can be the same as sleeping.

I do not know what is on television,

I have no news except the sky – a storm arrives

without

a name known by me.

I can easily escape this bed, this house, this little body shell –

I am as big as my whole city, silent

watching the clouds roll in on eye level.  The lightning

illumines the billowing mass insurgency of storm.

wind whips – I have no body, yet I am here.

sky dome cracks in two, crashes down,

the vacuum of space sucks out all the filth of man-

who cares where it goes now.

A night can pass this way.

Clockwinder, I see the mystery of

Birds awakening before the light.

Why now do I shrink?

Back in this woman body,

listening with human ears,

the rattle of the shutters,

the bending of the trees;

glory be.

Thoughts knock on every door;

one little crack and in they rush,

silly men in suits.

I do not follow them,

or read from their notepads.

The meeting at eight is cancelled, you know,

Loosen the ties, get thee to the beach.

Choke yourself on salt and surf,

and let the rip tide take you out.

I don’t mind

26 Apr

Dream_Chaser_by_cypherx

It might seem like maybe if you lose some weight, maybe if you get more money, maybe if you find a person who really understands you, maybe if you finally figure out how to have lots of friends, maybe if you get recognized for being famous, maybe if your face were a bit prettier, maybe if you could be a great athlete, maybe you could finally find yourself at the cool table in the middle school lunchroom, maybe if you were taller, maybe when the kids leave home, maybe when you can see things in the world, maybe if you could learn enough, maybe if you were a bit smarter, maybe if you weren’t so tongue tied, maybe if your family cared about you more, maybe if you could look perfect to others, maybe if you got promoted, maybe if your job involved cool travel, maybe if you could do what you thought was helping others as your job, maybe if you could support yourself as an artist, maybe if your house didn’t have clutter, maybe if a good day never ended, maybe if your kids were better behaved, maybe if you didn’t have to worry, maybe if you were important, maybe if you could be alone, maybe if you finally found yourself, maybe if your mind got quiet and you were enlightened, maybe if other people listened to your words, maybe if you didn’t feel invisible, maybe if you finally felt good enough, maybe if you figured it all out…

When one accepts what comes with equanimity, one is more open and present to deal with the moment with whatever is needed because the mind is not clouded by trying to cling to the good or run from the bad of what is occurring.  What happens, I don’t mind.    There is nothing wrong with me or you or this moment.

what is meant by now?

7 Apr

coffeeshoplast nights now – I am in a small town north of Charleston, SC in a starbucks.  I got the coveted corner comfy chair.  It is saturday night and I am in the a place to be, in this town, it would seem.  I am grading essays and waiting for eden to finish watching her friend in a pirate version of much ado about nothing.  Too far to go home in between, but I am shifting my whole body every few minutes to stay awake.  I’ve graded two essays in almost 2 hours. lord.  I am slow.

A family with a baby walking by holding on to corners of furniture captures my interest as they share my corner for a while before a man sits down and eats a bag of chips beside me. Peripherally I can see that he is unaware of himself and his movements as he puts the corner of the bag up to his lips and shakes the crumbs into his mouth, hobbitish, his outline, solid and close to the earth.  I am grading and distracted yet trying not to be.  The place suddenly appears to be clearing out so finally I allow my eyes to rest upon my neighbor in the next chair and focus;  everything I have gathered without my direct sight is true of him.  He meets my gaze and we discuss whether we are about to be thrown out.  It isn’t long before he tells me he is single but thrilled to be a part of the largest mega-church in the country and unzips his hoodie to reveal the name of his mega-church.   While I do sense his intentions of kindness with his sharing,  I do not pretend; I respond in truth,and I shake my head and say I have no interest in visiting your church.  But I smile and wish him a wonderful night and he smiles in return and off I go to sit outside the play, and wait for it to finish and for eden to come out with a full report of a stage too small with scenery too big.  Chloe waits at home, tired after a day at the beach with friends.  All of this is known, but does not need the mind to be so.

Am I a creation of the light walking around in a body?  What could be the point of  anything?  The still point beckons me away from the outward.  There is no thing there.  The world makes it easy by not courting me with champagne and lobster tails – the quieting of my mind is where the chocolate mousse and ecstasy beckon.  Yesterday is a created myth – stories of  a self, true and not true and tomorrow is a dizzying swirl of confetti – my imagined feet dangle beneath me as I hover over an imperceptible void of  NOW.  What is now?  It is not this moment.  Now this is something –  Presence present.

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