Most people I meet and interact with are lovely. My clarity keeps leading me to clearer interactions. My days are full of openness and the seeing of the goodness in myself and in others.
However, I do sometimes have reminders that not everyone has the same flowing goodness from which they are operating; some have their truth buried deep within beneath layers of deception. Some people are acting out of perverse self-interest; they will lie, cheat, sugar-coat, and self-delude to meet imaginary, short-term aims. Self-preservation can be desperate preservation of the false self, the mask, at all costs.
My internal radar for these sort of pitiful, but at times dangerous, souls has gotten more and more accurate.
My responses are becoming more organically in-tune with what these interactions require from me.
I’ve been learning about narcissism and about what patterns within me made me vulnerable to this dynamic in the past, to help me gain clarity when dealing with one driven mainly by self-interest and deception. I have made growth. I now trust my ability to stay open to the inner urgings for setting clear boundaries, decisively.
I was a fly in the web of a spider, once – not able to see the well-constructed web, listening to the charming words, allowing myself to be the sacrificial meal, but I cut the threads; I got away from the web. Instead of flying away, I perched nearby – observing and learning.
Kimberly Harding has written much on the dynamics of dealing with a narcissist in one’s life. Her explorations into this topic helped me to recognize that I had been in this pattern for years, placating, catering to, blind to the motivations of my husband. He showered me with compliments constantly, but left me holding the bag most all of the time. He was good at turning the tables and I was good at taking on more than my responsibility. It took extreme circumstance for me to wake to the magic show shuffling going on, but once I woke to it – I could not be fooled so easily again.
This week, Hannah has reappeared from the Spring semester to protest her grade. Her smoke screen creations in lieu of truth failed to confuse me. My inner-guidance told me the truth of the situation and provided me with clear communication. My gut instincts were validated by my department head, who knew of her past patterns. He had my back.
She used technology as an excuse for lost emails that supposedly contained missing essays – and then tapped danced around for sympathy and time. She brought her grandmother to the department head to vouch for her last semester. Her sob story could work only once. This semester – her number was up.
Hannah has drawn to herself an enormous comeuppance. She will not graduate from high school on time. She will be forced to retake this class until she has passed in order to receive her diploma.
She gave me the gift of clarity needed for listening to my inner guidance without remorse.
She is learning, I hope, by such high stakes in her immediate life.
In the zoomed out view, no biggie. High school! What evs.
(Not much into this genre of music, but this song is a mirror today!)
Life as Improv 