Tag Archives: Meditation

sliding parentheses

19 May

silence

 

(;lsdnfaoifvknz;ohfeaofmlveofg;nwoeifj(     )al;skfnasldknvoaienwlkvz;seijfwnfv’;)

 

(aksjdnf;OnaIAe(                                                                                        );lasndvoankmc;’)

 

((                                                                                                                                                      ))

 

 

May we all feel the ease of  the spaciousness within.

 

Rough Morning – Vent – Beauty Enters Again

6 Feb

Oh God, save me the ugliness of my own pity party this morning.

My mind state is my own though in this moment, I do shake my head in wonder at the journey I’ve chosen for myself.

I wonder at the energy, pain, and vicious attacks that are relentless from a teen.  Even as I smooth myself, lose my reactivity, words still hurt.  I am to blame for all unhappiness, suffering, failure in her life and she heaps the hurtful words over my head daily.  There is no back up, there is no escape, and in her thoughts I am to be punished relentlessly until I cry uncle, and then it still doesn’t end.  I am so exhausted and defeated and overwhelmed by the volume of this attacking misery.

When I went into labor to give birth to this child, the pain was relentless.  Hours and hours of out-of-body pain (I actually found myself on the ceiling at times), camel backing contractions, and finally my body was torn open from the inside as she and I hung in the state between life and death.  The thrashing and ripping was killing us both.  This is not a tale I tell.  It is very gruesome and difficult, and it took me out of this realm.

I didn’t want to come back.  When I was told of the trials ahead,  I burrowed into the arms of the immense loving one who held me and said it was all too much.  But back I came making a choice to do this life, and yet I do wonder at this thrashing now?  Through these words I type,  I remember.  I was told; I knew it would be tough; I agreed to do this.

I am not reacting anymore, she’s given me that,  and I imagine that I have let go of expecting improvement.  I imagine myself the sturdy oak tree with deep roots that others are clinging to in the damaging winds of emotions.  I imagine there is nothing more asked of me than to remain in my tree body and trust in the roots that we all share.

tree in wind

Jonathan Worthington :: Photos :: Trees blowing in the strong windTrees blowing in the strong wind

I see other families struggle, but ours seems something out of a horror film: words to rip flesh, relentless positioning, love and affection banished forever, though I hold them in an open grab bag for all.  I sit in my still point of this hurricane force winds and know…I can only wash the dishes, grade the papers, pick up the mess, go to bed, wake again to tea, and breath, and stillness in a storm that seems it will not let up.

Here are some words for me this morning:

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

“Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred.”
― Thich Nhat HanhThe Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation

Letting it out in words this morning to avoid a mental, pity party.  Sometimes, I’m thinking it helps to let it out, so I can get back to chopping wood and carrying water.  🙂  Posts should come with a warning label…don’t read this!   I hope you heeded my advice and didn’t.  If you did, I send you love and support in your trials, and share an angry thrash dance with you, too!

Here’s my angry day song:

Spiritual Boot Camp

15 Jan

bootcamp

I signed up.

I must have.

This is what some days look like at spiritual boot camp.

There is something so right on about the recognition that it is now, not in the summer, not after I stop working, not in the next life.  Like this Blog Name (http://awakein365days.com) suggests, this is it.  You’ve got to admire the full blown focus.

In my purse on my catch all little notebook, a Mooji Quote, that had been scribbled in haste, was found just as the floor fell out from under me in 2011 as I left my 20 year marriage.

“Push everything aside; Find out who you are.  The rest will sort itself out.”

Those were the right words to help me adjust to the new groundless state of moving forward; even though, I felt like a quaking mountain of goo at the time.

For a long time I thought that in life people matured and learned and became wiser.  I assumed this to be true. This is not true for a good many people.

I really saw this once in an overheard conversation between two people in their 70’s.  I heard mean gossip, deeply masked pain, and ego feeding codependencies without any shielding so immature, so similar to a middle-school dynamic, that I was shaken and heartbroken for them, for all of us.  We all know these sides of ourselves.  We are this in our forgetting.

These two had been practicing their religion devoutly for their entire lives.  Where was the growth?  Where was the change?    I had that Peggy Lee moment…

My searching began to recognize some souls awakening with humility, grace, humor, and ease.  I began there.

Tangible growth can happen; certain behaviors can fall away for good; that is not all there is.    Not from effort does this come, but by illusions being dropped, for good.

Enlisting.

Something hears you when you make this choice.

Things appear that are needed to help you along the way.  Those two screamers above are not an unfamiliar mirror to me.  My darling daughters in teen years have proven to be the most wonderful sand blasters I could have ever invented.  But just as often, what is sent is soft and gentle: a breeze, a dolphin encounter, a hand-written note.

Some days feel an Everest climb, but then I see the cookies and lemonade at the next plateau and I keep on.

Always it seems less of me there is, the more flow occurs, and the more and more peace I can hold as a space for all of us.  Loving the peace inside, wishing you the same. X!

Here we all are, one by one, waking up !

Quote

On Being A Human Guest House

10 Dec

“This being human is a guest house. Every morning is a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor…Welcome and entertain them all. Treat each guest honorably. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
― Rumi

Every morning?  Are you kidding, Rumi?

There has been a bit more frequent turnover in this guest house the past few days!

Some unexpected, intense visitors came bearing hidden gifts.  They seemed the sort you wouldn’t want around, until they left without saying goodbye; then I realized, they burned off a bit more of the ME, and left some sweet perfume in the emptiness of their departure.

The next group who made reservations seemed a bit more mellow upon arrival tonight.  And joyful.  They brought flourless chocolate cake as a gift!

Love when the metaphor takes 3D form 🙂

May we all honor the revolving door of our being and the guests we are sent.  I bow to my teenage permanent tenants and to the life and lessons they bring into my space.

Latent Tool Fan

6 Dec

I missed this band while I was busy playing a mother.  So much fun to be introduced to a whole body of work by my friend!  Fearless rage, shadow exploration, mirror work, discovery – delicious!  This is a student project on You Tube…I share this song in my poetry unit every semester!  Teacher is a bit of a thrasher 🙂

Today Tool is my musical break from grading essays and averaging this semester’s work.  If I read too many  essays in a row without a joyful break,  the grades spiral down.

With my feet upon the ground
I lose myself between the sounds
And open wide to suck it in
I feel it move across my skin
I’m reaching up and reaching out
I’m reaching for the random, for
Whatever will bewilder me
Whatever will be willed on me
And following our will and wind
We may just go where no one’s been
We’ll ride the spiral to the end
We may just go where no one’s been

Spiral out, keep going

Come Closer

4 Dec

Image

Found this note on the sidewalk today.

When I saw it on the ground, I kept walking and I smirked a bit, I admit, thinking of the smart ass things one could write  on the note and leave back on his/her  car.

On my way back the note was still there, waiting for me to pick it up.

The receiver of such a message might have never even seen it, judging from it’s sidewalk location.

So much here in these few  words…

This note expresses displeasure and perhaps, he/she did have quite a difficult time trying to get through the car door.  It is annoying when some seem so oblivious to the idea of sharing space with others.  But I also imagine being on the receiving end of this note.  Would this note cause the receiver to park differently next time?  Would the humanity shared be bridged here?

I don’t think so.

I know all about annoying behavior.  I am so annoying.  I know I am.  My daughters say I repeat myself over and over again, which sends their impatience through the roof.  I don’t mean to, but often, there are misunderstandings if I don’t – rides needed that never show up, missed events, items forgotten…

Sharing space is tricky for me.

I have been overcoming clausterphobia since moving off the boat.  This condition has caused me to allow the voice in my mind to tell me that I can’t breath and I need to escape any way possible to get out of elevators, cars, classrooms…In this state of mind, there is actually no oxygen.  In these moments of blindness, human angels have appeared to me, helping me to breath, short breath in, long breath out.  A math professor across the hall, whom I have only seen in passing, got in my face, “Darth Vader” breaths he said.  And by helping me CLOSELY in this way, he helped me shift to where there was oxygen again, room in my lungs to take it in.   Breath. Life. Space. Options. Possibility.

Sometimes when my mind said it needed space, it actually needed the help of someone coming closer, as close as possible.  Paradoxical, that.

Right now my daughter and I are head to head.  I feel held over a barrel of ego and distortion through an incorrect lens.  This makes me want to get out; the circular dynamic  feels as if it takes all oxygen from the room, from the world…and yet if I can rest in the state of being (not mind) where there is breath, life, space, possibility – I can move in closer.

Could I park any closer to the shadows in my life?

Nope.

Addendum:  Just found my therapy session for my claustrophobia.

Here is Some Helpful Advice 😉

 

YOU ARE HERE!

2 Dec

Image

Gosh.  I know right where I am.

A few days pass.  In between grading poetry anthologies, I take a little journey into reading the blogs out there that I have never seen.  Along this journey, I run across Awakeandfindingpurpose.wordpress.com and there I find another path walker sharing nakedly and beautifully.  This find then leads to some more bread crumbs along the way to Theawakeneddreamer.com…Wowza.  I am ready to hear this voice and experience stepping into her “telling” right now.

Rocking on my heels…ready to stop, and drop it all, no fear, just “come on fellas, show a girl the launching pad?”  Ah hahahahahaha.  Cue Alicia Silverstone Clueless voice, “As if….”

The empty mind times feel as nourishing as a bowl full of steamed spinach, a pure glass of water after a walk by the marsh.  Then the busy mind times feel like consuming cheeze doodles and dr. pepper.  Ugh.

So much has fallen away that I am full of longing for the rest to fall away.  I have had a shift; now I “know” the Eckhart Tolle park bench moment is coming.  Of course it is.  Everything to this point has led me along, and Everything will always continue to do so.  “She” let go of the grass reeds on the bank of the raging river a while ago.

I used to sneak away when my girls were young to go to a Thich Nhat Hanh Meditation Group in the basement of a Modern Baptist Church in Charlotte for one-half hour of sitting and one-half hour of walking meditation, followed by an awkward discussion of thoughts jumbled with ideology jumbled with all manner of open and closed, seeing and blind.  And I remember saying out loud, “Gosh, I just realized in the past few weeks that over 98% of what I think about is unnecessary.”  And a woman gave me and look, and said, “Really.  That’s messed up.  What do you think about?”  Indeed 🙂 What do we all think about?  But I was so new to the path, I thought I had said something so obviously stupid and wrong.

Most MIND is pretty close to that percentage…I stop and listen to mind chatter throughout the day.  What is it going on about?  At best, most of it is unnecessary, noisy blabbering, at worst painful confusion.

Paradoxically,  I don’t have to do anything about it.  I don’t have to sit on it, stuff it down.

Image

I just look at it.

It is going away… Soon, perhaps today it will fall away entirely; how beautiful!

“silence is the language of god,
all else is poor translation.”

― Rumi

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