Tag Archives: Love

goodness, gracious me

21 Jul

My small fractal self is a real thing.  I am here in the flesh, learning how to walk the path of marga.  and even if she is infinitely small in one sense, she is also infinitely large experiencing itself the only way it can through her – as she learns to say yes to her very own journey.


Ophanic Eyelash

more and more I find my choices are more in line with true self love rather than the version i had been employing for most of my life.  moving in the direction of joy or what feels good is so antithetical to the mistaken idea of goodness that many of us carry around.  corners of a square of dark chocolate with sea salt, a gentle nuzzling with the kitty who sits at our front door, grass and sand under my soft feet, watching a movie with chloe, napping when needed, tasting the irish breakfast tea in my cup, switching midstream from a plan to a more open flow.  it isn’t very complicated.

i love my daughters as naturally and openly as anything i’ve experienced thus far – my dividing cells that helped create them still ache deep inside me while inside them.  it aches in a spot I cannot touch to be a parent.  Yet i can see how their own lack of self love causes their suffering.  the tenderness i extend so naturally to them has been such a great teacher for the tenderness i so naturally can chose to extend to myself.

there are many places that i haven’t gone this summer so far that not long ago i would have made myself go.   the shoulds again, I repeat myself.  there are places we go for all sorts of reasons.  religious ceremonies that we do not wish to attend.  reunions, parties, visits to relatives.  each time these invites or offers came up, i sensed my knee-jerk impulse of should.  I should go.  I should be there.  I should allow my ex mother-in-law to stay at my house. Something made me stop and check in with myself.  do i feel like it?  i have a long history of pleasing – and finally – it is clear – i please myself.

i please myself.

this is good.

pleasing myself is good.

Slowing down to kindergarten language…why?  Because at first, stepping away from pleasing others feels wrong to some of us.  The things I have stepped away from in the past few years triggered my conditioning – my living a life in part, a big part, as an expression of the expectation of others.

I don’t mind saying this – this newbie admission – because it is so powerfully true – and can crop up over and over.

There are polar reactions to the statement I please myself.  Either, right on sister – pleasing you is what is good for you and the world.  Or a thought that I am on a path of pure selfishness.  The thought that thinks I am selfish thinks selflessness is virtuous.

What is selflessness?  Not doing what pleases me, reducing my joy.  My state of loss makes me feel small and cut off from the flow of all life.  Selflessness is me refusing to be here and live a life of my choosing where I am lost in a dream of my smallness.  The state of confusion and loss is infectious – the virus of resistance!

What is the wrongly perceived selfishness?  If I do what pleases me, I am in a state of joy.  My state of joy is larger and more open to the flow of all life.  I am here, as i chose to be, living a life of my choosing, and that is big beyond the self.  That state of joy is infectious – the virus of YES!

saying no to the long drive and awkward gathering with others with whom I am out of sync felt delicious.  Saying no to the house guest was generous.  Generous to me!   the outfall that came toward me from other people didn’t phase me a bit.  the guilt trip language of others has become so transparent.  without any guilt in me for doing my divinely given mission – pleasing myself – no guilt can stick.  hallelujah.

where does this lead?

to more good.

goodness, gracious me 🙂


If you could look inside the Heart….

13 Feb

If you could look inside the Heart of any and every single human being, you would fall in love with them completely.
If you see the inside as it really Is and not as your mind projects it to be, you would be so purely in love with the whole thing.

~ Mooji


Today, my students read in front of the classroom the stories they had written.  My favorite days of the semester are when they lead the class.  I observe myself as being the listener and recognize that often I have to soften my belly and release my projections to hear, really hear.

They humble me – they silence me.

Often, they apologize for what they perceive of as “not good.”  And I do not know how to show them what I see through my view, not good and bad, but beautiful – each one – bringing eyes, ears, lips, dialect, walk, courage, stories.

The Nicaraguan student’s first meeting with his wife to be, the deathbed scene with a father, the father’s tale of his 3 year old son saving fallen flowers from his rake,  near deaths, broken hearts, sexual identity discoveries, chance encounters…

It is not appropriate for the teacher to say she loves them – she holds her tongue – but not her heart.

ONCE: Falling Slowly

6 Jan


Thank you to theachristie29 for reminding me of this gentle movie, Once.    Seems like a “love” story, but really points back to the self and the deeper, real current of the love coming from no separation.





The Healing Power of Pasta

24 Dec


Eden had free reign of the kitchen yesterday  and  conjured up some powerful and tasty Alchemy – Mushroom Marsala Fettuccini with Panko topping.  Chloe and I thank you, Eden.

After all the Sturm und Drang,  Eckhart Tolle  made a personal appearance in my dreams last week and reminded me of the painbody material in The New Earth.  I got my copy out at 3 am and found just the section he was talking to me about.  Seems the benevolent universe sent out the big gun teacher, haha, to help me get the lesson.  My wisest and most loving friend let me know that it is okay to be not okay – which was amazingly helpful.

Sometimes the energies present are so much more than is warranted for seemingly little problems that I wonder if we all are working through energy for the whole of us ALL – As one or more of us love bigger than we thought possible, stare down shadows we don’t want to face, courageously keep on keeping on, all of us gain in the process.

Anyhow, Life is always delicious.  Always – All ways!

Badass Love

21 Dec

Love is not Pollyanna.

I am going to say a truth about love, but I do not wish to offend.  These words came to me in the in-between state of sleeping and waking just now and I knew they were true.  I am going to bury the words here in a paragraph so they don’t jump out of the page and offend, though, I think all true seekers know what I am trying to say.  Love is a hard ass, mother fucker with nunchucks.

Does that ring true?

Isn’t that what the verses people recite from the bible at weddings are really saying?

Love is patient, love is kind…I’m going to look it up, I can’t remember the whole thing…here it is:

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Isn’t that badass?

I just got a mental image of someone reciting my interpretation before their wedding vows, Johnny Rotten style. 🙂

Why am I saying it like this?  I’m not sure why but talk of love spoken out loud sounds so cotton candy.  In the thick of the deep dark shadow of pain talking about love sounds fake and gooey; the real love can’t be conveyed – but god, love has street cred.

Love is so fierce, I’m starting to see.  I’m learning to let it flow through me, and what constricts its flow in me are my thoughts about what it is.  If I think love means I say the “right” thing, or walk when it gets uncomfortable, or stay when I shouldn’t, I can’t be a vessel for “it” to flow…Love remains in the most crime infested, filthy muck and says, “This too will pass.”  Sometimes love moves in when it is being pushed away.  Other times, love choses to walk away when it is best.  Love listens but doesn’t take the words in. Love hugs immobile, frightened shoulders.  Love is unafraid and looks on the pain of others and says, “This too will pass; I will remain.”

I’m learning.  And I know, these words don’t even come close.  My intention is to point to my own blindness in restricting the definition of love – and relate that in the past few weeks, my spirit partners in teenage bodies have opened me up to deeper and deeper levels of unlearning and gnosis.


This is what I’m talking about.

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