My small fractal self is a real thing. I am here in the flesh, learning how to walk the path of marga. and even if she is infinitely small in one sense, she is also infinitely large experiencing itself the only way it can through her – as she learns to say yes to her very own journey.
Ophanic Eyelash
more and more I find my choices are more in line with true self love rather than the version i had been employing for most of my life. moving in the direction of joy or what feels good is so antithetical to the mistaken idea of goodness that many of us carry around. corners of a square of dark chocolate with sea salt, a gentle nuzzling with the kitty who sits at our front door, grass and sand under my soft feet, watching a movie with chloe, napping when needed, tasting the irish breakfast tea in my cup, switching midstream from a plan to a more open flow. it isn’t very complicated.
i love my daughters as naturally and openly as anything i’ve experienced thus far – my dividing cells that helped create them still ache deep inside me while inside them. it aches in a spot I cannot touch to be a parent. Yet i can see how their own lack of self love causes their suffering. the tenderness i extend so naturally to them has been such a great teacher for the tenderness i so naturally can chose to extend to myself.
there are many places that i haven’t gone this summer so far that not long ago i would have made myself go. the shoulds again, I repeat myself. there are places we go for all sorts of reasons. religious ceremonies that we do not wish to attend. reunions, parties, visits to relatives. each time these invites or offers came up, i sensed my knee-jerk impulse of should. I should go. I should be there. I should allow my ex mother-in-law to stay at my house. Something made me stop and check in with myself. do i feel like it? i have a long history of pleasing – and finally – it is clear – i please myself.
i please myself.
this is good.
pleasing myself is good.
Slowing down to kindergarten language…why? Because at first, stepping away from pleasing others feels wrong to some of us. The things I have stepped away from in the past few years triggered my conditioning – my living a life in part, a big part, as an expression of the expectation of others.
I don’t mind saying this – this newbie admission – because it is so powerfully true – and can crop up over and over.
There are polar reactions to the statement I please myself. Either, right on sister – pleasing you is what is good for you and the world. Or a thought that I am on a path of pure selfishness. The thought that thinks I am selfish thinks selflessness is virtuous.
What is selflessness? Not doing what pleases me, reducing my joy. My state of loss makes me feel small and cut off from the flow of all life. Selflessness is me refusing to be here and live a life of my choosing where I am lost in a dream of my smallness. The state of confusion and loss is infectious – the virus of resistance!
What is the wrongly perceived selfishness? If I do what pleases me, I am in a state of joy. My state of joy is larger and more open to the flow of all life. I am here, as i chose to be, living a life of my choosing, and that is big beyond the self. That state of joy is infectious – the virus of YES!
saying no to the long drive and awkward gathering with others with whom I am out of sync felt delicious. Saying no to the house guest was generous. Generous to me! the outfall that came toward me from other people didn’t phase me a bit. the guilt trip language of others has become so transparent. without any guilt in me for doing my divinely given mission – pleasing myself – no guilt can stick. hallelujah.
where does this lead?
to more good.
goodness, gracious me 🙂
Life as Improv 