Tag Archives: Joy

dressing the BEing

13 Nov

From an early age, I picked up from the environment the importance of looking acceptable on the outside in order to be included. Most of us have conditioning in this area, right?  All of us, really;  how could we not, or else we would probably all be wearing pjs or even going about naked based on what feels good to us.  I’ve lived in some places where the outside appearance was more important than other places.  Perhaps these environments of my earlier days reflected my own understanding in these areas as well.  I was shaped by (or reflected in) some strongly conforming environments and some strongly class-conscious spaces.

A really great outfit is a relative thing. One might judge a great outfit to wear based on comfort and craftsmanship. One might also judge a great outfit to be what others will perceive as cool or as pricey. These examples are just a few options on a whole spectrum of variety in the land of belief in a personal self looking for practicality,  comfort,  value,  reflecting group think, class systems, sub culture, in short, all relating to separation.  The clothing of Adam and Eve suddenly becomes a myth in my mind today with a practical fallout in apparel all beginning with a misperception of separation.

Oh goodness, what a long way to get to a little anecdote from life recently.  A momentary flicker across the screen of self, but interesting to me nonetheless, so much so that I find myself writing much more than I would have imagined about this micro-moment in my day.

My friend invited me out to explore a plot of land that she and her husband have purchased with several others to develop for themselves. It was a beautiful day and so fun to explore unkempt land full of tall trees and birds and mushrooms. A horse farms on one side brought the sounds of an excited braying horse.  My friend’s dog Shelby is 14 and not doing well, so she was not able to come with us, but I got to pet her before and after our adventure into the woods.

On my way home from the visit, I stopped by Lowe’s for some paint I needed for a project. As I made my way through the store, I had several friendly interactions with people who work there, but on an aisle in the back of the store, an elegant gentleman looked me over in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time.  He looked me up and down as if to say with his face and eyes that I was not up to his standards, in dress, as I took it mean.  I felt a moment of my old conditioning come back; first I felt a shame, then a sort of prideful turn around occurred in my head to myself, saying “Well, I’m just at Lowe’s – I’m sure these clothes are perfectly fine for this errand.”  I had a momentary feeling of being a SELF who needed defending against the casual look of a stranger.  It wasn’t until a few aisles down that I took a look at myself and I laughed (audibly:).

This is how I looked. Because of petting Shelby so vigorously, my black clothes were covered in white dog hair.  Then because we had tromped through the woods without a trail, I was covered in seeds and weeds and brambles.  In short, I was a bit of a mess. The amazing thing was not that one man had noticed my state of disarray, but that no one else had made me aware of this fact in the least.  How beautiful that my friend and the workers and the shoppers had not given me any disapproval whatsoever.  From my earlier experiences in the posh posh tisk tisk environments of some times of my lives, I now was able to flow in the world unselfconsciously and to be met with the blind acceptance. Lowe’s as a full-length mirror of then and now.

I hope your day is full of unselfconscious joy, dog hair and woodsy remains!

night walker

7 Oct

There is a small blooming algae

that has come to the creek

that I walk over,

that I cross in the night

carrying my little baggie of bread for the turtles of all sizes.

The blooming has covered the surface in chartreuse

which swirls now as the turtles swim beneath.

Oh, the mystery of a turtle’s mouth as it lunges

beneath the psychedelic dance of green.

Where to toss the bread becomes a guessing game

of chance. How can this night so much the same

as every other night be a world transformed yet again?

No sky is ever the same;

no tide rises to the exact same spot, ever;

all pleasure is solitary and small and everything.

There are so very few who could understand

how secretly happy I am, in the dark,

so alone,

at last no one to tell about my small, singular,

exploding life.

A woman is a powerful being

in her blossoming

which comes long after

anyone can see,

yet her fragrance

is a potion

blessing invisibly, generously

behind her gypsy grin and laugh,

she, a twirling skirt of ascension.

Joy Seems Not a Choice

17 Feb

drawing-joy-wojtek-kowalski

Drawing Joy – Wojek Kowalski

In these 46 years, some things get clearer.  One thing would be this – You can’t strong arm your way into happiness.

Joy appears to be a symptom of dwelling in the still point self before identification.

My path has taken me to many environments of learning and ignorance, wealth and poverty,  acceptance and rejection, just like most of us, after a while of being here on this planet!  And without a doubt, my joy did not correspond to the outward manifestation of house, body, income, mode of transportation, or social circles.  In fact, the inverse seemed to apply.  Some of my most suffering times were in the midst of worldly defined happiness.

Currently,  I walk without a partner, my daughters are a challenge daily, my future doesn’t require me to wear shades, I’m not as financial secure as I used to be, cough cough; I understate!  But my joy overflowth, often.

When that joy feels lost as often can happen, and the mind devises ways to get it back,  I can imagine myself trapped in those gears.  Enough times, I watch those spiked wheels spin so that, for me, the moments of feeling trapped in sorrow decrease.  Or so it seems.

Joy can flow so strangely in, where the world says it is wholly uncalled for – so inappropriately at times!   I have to contain myself from dancing and sit quietly accepting what is, open-armed waiting for others to join me.  While there is no joy in the suffering of others,  joy springs within the self, it does, when it will, without choice.

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