Tag Archives: bi-polar disorder

not so smart

20 Feb

What I thought was one thing, turns out to be another.

Turns out I’m not so smart. (grin)  I’m right in the middle of another toggle switch moment of realization and change, an oh no, not this! sort of light bulb moment.   I wonder why I’m always the last one to know what is going on right under my nose.

When I am ready to see, I do.

I have ambivalence about writing about this unfolding – in real time – in public.  But more and more,  the boundaries between me and other seem less and less and my story is yours and yours is mine.   So much so that I am not my story, I am not even this IDENTITY, really, though right now I do walk around in this body with the seemingly intense happenings of her now.

This now is a chapter that will be revisited in just the time traveling way I talked about yesterday.  In this storm of now, I often find myself sitting in the EYE and remaining still, but the force winds are off the charts and the weather forecasters look worried.

Water Twist Abstract

Even though my reactivity  has decreased exponentially, the scenes are still spiraling out of control.  I am an observer, a recipient, a rock, an instigator by just existing.  My breath, my face, my tapping toe, anything has been fuel for this fire.  I did not want to see that it was not normal teenage angst.

So here we stand on the cusp of a medical diagnosis – and medication that may help.  In some ways more scary than ever – in some ways relief – in some ways just watching the unfolding show.  I am trying to stay in the open spot that doesn’t forecast what this means any further than today.  I am trying to imagine that anything is possible; I am only responsible for each moment as it comes.

I am sort of a straightforward person.  Bad brain chemistry makes no sense to me.  The sheer illogic of the thoughts and the intelligence and energy of the one in the throws of what I see as incorrect thinking confuse me to no end.  I just keep thinking, just stop thinking this.

In my marriage I was caught in the snare of another’s thinking for years.  I played the role of:  THE ONE WHO RIGHTS THE BOAT.  It took me years to realize that the boat was being tipped on purpose.  The irrational thinking, to me, looks a choice, though I have the doctor’s note that says otherwise.   I know I am wrong in this perception, but from my angle, I feel like I see others get to that crazy-making point we all get to and they go right on in, head first.  Refusing to stop.  Just stop. STOP!

I hope the humor will return for all in this house again soon.

In many ways, I am continually taking a break to see the big picture.  Little me can zoom on out any ol’ time she wants and see that while this may be tough, it isn’t fatal, and even if it were, fatality is inevitable to all of us at some point.  So Okay to everything.   All is well, even in the storm.   Bootstraps pulled up!

This is just one little journey with its own set of challenges.  I send you love and strength and zoomed out views!  And I know you wish me the same.

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