where i have been

31 May

here. listening. trying to anyways. it is a tall task to listen in this life – which is so unbelievably short. the next task and the next will alway be pressing on the part of the brain and decision process that has carried me so far, but without soul. the numbering of days is so apparent – how many more do i get? how precious these days as they wind down toward the end of the the tunnel. i drag my feet here, not in a hurry to meet the light of the next incarnation-or the light of the unveiled transitioning. you might laugh and call me young to write this way, i get that, but the later half of this journey is a reckoning that i will not allow you to dismiss. i’ve an appreciation of the map and for the tracking and i’m open to seeing it truly so to not miss the rewards i can gather in each spot. i’ve worked hard to reach a certain emptiness in my guarded sanctuary that i’m not in a hurry to move out of or to fill with the knowns that lead to no where. i am a bird woman at heart, i meet your eye with a certain intensity that is steady and flittering at once. i look forward to meeting where one can meet that wordless gazing. most i meet are projecting out what they wish others would see in them; i know this dynamic well and have compassion for it for having played it for years (and still I slip into it occasionally when I forget). how do we shed the self and deepen at the same time? no answer is forthcoming for my question, yet all becomes apparent as i walk it. the deepening is a happening that seems to be the side effect and not the directly hunted objective. deepening is ripening, which fruits know how to do – are made for doing. Also occurs to me is the fruit’s apparent purpose in being consumed or for wasting and rotting on the ground, turning into a seed, for starting it all again. the drum of traffic in my tiny house reprimands me – scolds me for stepping away – places to go, purposes, motion, yet i make effort to hear the bird in the urban landscape on a mission in its song. a salamander, a ferrel cat, herbs, a sago palm tossed off by a neighbor, i’ll take what appears and bow. here now for me is a space for typing words, for listening to a train whistle, and the splattering start of rain on roof and road, I’m lingering before the shower and before my day. to you, i bow as well, in your day, aware of the appearing phenomenon where ever you may be, your sharing space beyond the words with me here is a communion that i can’t explain. love to you, there.

Tags: Life, questions, simple

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9 Responses to “where i have been”

Just Joan May 31, 2018 at 6:43 pm #

I’ve struggled to find the words for the thoughts and ideas and philosophies jumbling around inside of my almost-50 self. This comes close, Marga, amazingly close. 🙂

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- marga t. May 31, 2018 at 10:56 pm #
  
  Such a rare treat to share the jumbling around inside with another – so thank you for sharing that! (As far as the 50 mark – come on in, the water is great:)
  
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Andrea June 1, 2018 at 1:03 am #

Wow. Sort of feels like you’ve read slices of my mind and emotions. I’m a bit behind you, but I do feel this already, like I’m dipping my toes into deep water, quiet and dark, sad and nourishing. It’s like that beginning of knowing this all will end. People tell us that all the time, especially when kids are small and we’re losing our marbles in the check-out line, and we smile and try not to give them the finger. lol But in my quiet times, contemplative times, I have felt this sensation wash over me, and have observed it, but not really put words to it. This was beautiful. I was a better mom today because I read it in the morning. I’ll be a better mom tomorrow because I read it again tonight. Humble wisdom. Thank you.

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- marga t. June 1, 2018 at 2:43 pm #
  
  Means so much to meet you here, Andrea. I look back now at all those years in awe and I send the awe your way too for a place where the demands, chaos, and gorgeous growth are so intense as to give me no way to express. You ordered well in the life restaurant! When you round certain corners, you will be astonished and bow back to your own amazing navigation. xx! m
  
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David Kanigan June 1, 2018 at 9:47 pm #

So great….

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- marga t. June 4, 2018 at 2:01 pm #
  
  So great to meet you here, David. So glad that you are well and surviving the humbling near misses and blessings along the way.
  
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mcaimbeul June 2, 2018 at 2:38 am #

We slide into the various nooks and crannies of indefinite being along the way and expansion occurs. Allowing the wiggle room to gather the parts of us we’ve forgotton or left behind creating the fullness of a self that was always there so when we join the great immensity we’ll be complete and discover the biggest thing that’s changed is the scope of our understanding.
It has been far to long since being blessed with the depths of your inner observations but we will gladly take what we can get my friend. Bright Blessings and Merry Meet again. mike and lori

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- marga t. June 4, 2018 at 2:03 pm #
  
  In my mind, I thought you were still lingering in silent immensity, so the discovery of your artful play online, which has been occurring for so long, was such a treasure for me. I love the glimpses of you and Lori in your free flowing unfolding in the dessert. MMA indeed. m
  
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  - mcaimbeul June 5, 2018 at 1:28 am #
    
    Our dear M, it’s great to hear from you. I’ve left the philosophical depths and now splash in the puddles of humor and play. Lori and I are doing well and trust you are too.