A few weeks ago:
My heart hurt – viscerally – i felt tight and achy deep in the chest
and it wasn’t my own pain.
I felt around my world, trying to find the source. I knew, but I couldn’t help wondering how I could feel the pain of another so personally within.
It seems the journey of a parent is the experience of heart ache, in joy and sorrow. The physical connection is ridiculous.
I think the cells of my two daughters and my cells mingling in the womb still have action at a distance all these years later – what a spooky happening!
Their cells mingle among my own and go off in alarm patterns in their times of stress or hurt or worry or in life crushing/life growing experiences and in big, joyful times, too. Each intensity of theirs sends signals to the hormone fire stations in my body, who then rush out with the fight or flight chemicals in me.
How come I am tumbling through 16-year-old emotions instead of holding a steady opening?
How come I feel elation, walking through the aisles of the florescent lit grocery?
Sometimes the phone will chirp, and I find out the answer. Or I may have to wait until the teary face or bounding joy comes bursting through the door, later.
I found myself typing words out, without a care for structure or meaning, just to take the edge off of my achiness, to sooth the hurt of my inability to change outcome or to walk through with them or even for them. Each girl has all the tools she needs to deal with rejection, depression, re-creation, but it physically hurts in the process – me. Detachment flies right out the window, of late.
I was overwhelmed again for just living this life, even as the sky hinted of a spring to come. Two cardinals outside sang and flashed bright red in the bare winter tree for me as I ran out in pj’s to take the girl downtown so she could teach little ones hebrew, releasing a song in my heart once again.
These girls and I will learn together about carving out the experiences we wish to have. We will learn and relearn about finding our passions, our energy, our focus, our innate ability to create our thoughts and watch our thoughts turn into our flow. We learn to find joy in the smallest of things, again.
My heart may take to aching again. My hands are tied in this. I allowed the souls of others to grow in my body and nothing I can do will stop the little cells from circulating in my system as these beings walk on through their own time tunnels.
I want to grab their hands and force timeline jumps – to sunny and cloudless skies – but they both get to choose for themselves. I will walk my path forever entangled with the gift of these overlapping trajectories.
Life as Improv 
I think maybe you already grabbed your girls by both hands, and they you, and took that leap… 🙂
This is life at its sweetest, and perhaps most intense. When the ones we love without boundaries or limits bump into the full spectrum of experience. When they’re staring into their limits. This is a beautiful affirmation of the connections Love forges. Your girls have a good friend at their back…
Michael
Michael,
You made me look at this picture anew. I just posted because it was the only one I could find with the 3 of us together, but now I see that we have leapt already and are constantly leaping together – you are so right! Oh what we signed up for, in this life, in this loving. Thank you for joining me in the journey and helping me see what is right in front of my eyes!
Yes, that is amazing that we can feel the emotions of others. Especially of family members.
I recall when my son fell into a field. He cried to me to come. I was walking 200 meters behind and didn’t see what had happened to him. But the moment he cried for me, my lower left calf suddenly started to hurt. I wondered why. There was no physical reason why my leg should suddenly hurt there. When I came to him, it turned out that he had fallen into stinging nettles and he was hurt exactly at his lower left calf. Exactly where I felt the pain. That was a lesson for me that we are not separate. Usually, I am not the empath type of person. I am not able to feel another’s energy field by sitting in the same room with them. So, that was a rare lesson for me about how we are actually all connected in consciousness.
And another thing I can relate to in your post is this thing about wanting to help my children but needing to let go. Ah, that was a big lesson for me, which is almost repeated daily. I can’t save them from trouble. I can’t make their decisions. I can’t flip the switch in their heads. I have to let go of control . And wait for God to flip the switch in their heads.
And sometimes little miracles happen. Like past week when my daughter suddenly decided she wanted to clean out her room. After 12 years of not being able to let go of even the tiniest piece of origami artwork, she suddenly started to throw away and let go of old stuff. Now there is space to breathe. Ah, sometimes miracles do happen.
I read somewhere in the Raj material (Jesus channelings by Paul Tuttle) that we should not beat ourselves up with the attempt of taking responsibility for another persons behavior. We just need to realize that we have no access to the switch in their head. That statement was a comfort for me as a mother.
Karin,
What validating and precious shares you bring to me. I can very much relate to the switches within the head of those close to me. I can remember my own toggle switch moments and imagine the frustration I may have caused others before I was able to make the switch flip on my own! I take comfort in your daughter’s switch of last week for my own hoarding daughter, who has yet to let any one thing go, by her own choice. The space to breath will be that much more treasured in the contrast as it occurs, of her own doing. Heart grateful for your connecting with me here! marga
Sometimes I wonder whether we get to have children so that we can learn to parent *ourselves* properly; so that we can learn to accept the things about ourselves that our parents, for whatever reason, couldn’t accept; and so that we can learn to let go not only our children but also our parents for being the imperfect creatures they were. This re-experiencing of lack to control, of acceptance, of pain and sorrow, can open me up if I let it. Shit, it hurts sometimes. But life hurts, and is still worth living. How many times have I wanted to resist my kids having to learn this? And how many times have I had to communicate this truth to my kids in one way or another, and ended up reminding myself? Oh, you are squeezing my achy breaky heart. (Yes, I hated that song, and I went there anyway.)
I love this idea, Michael. There are certainly these moments that feel very preordained – where circumstances and connecting elements come together that make the tiniest moments feel like important notes in a grand symphony of meaning – da da da da! The bruising feeling of these past few weeks definitely connected to some of my stuff in just that magical way you are describing. I think achy breaky heart is apt; wish that silly man had not coined it! 🙂 So nice to see you!
Dearest Marga — what gorgeous, poignant words! I know this spooky parenting has not always been sunbeams and lace for you but this post holds the essence of your love for one another and your agreement (continually re-chosen) to travel in cellular entanglement. I agree with Michael that you have already taken many leaps along the shifting lines of time and you are bang on the mark when you say that each of you must choose to take those leaps individually by your own free will. Thank you for sharing this remarkable transcript of your experience of a Mother’s Love ♥ Alia
I so dearly and clearly remember your support a few years ago, Alia, when all hell had broken loose around here. We are in a new day; look how closely that girl will come to me now, which seemed an impossibility not too long ago. Your willingness to hear my cries at that critical time was one of the strong currents of wind in my sails for me to keep on moving on through. As some of Eden’s recent experiences felt very internal to me, I began to wonder at my usual detachment and recognize that the necessary teaching of feeling deeply and fully without worry for personal safety and distance was upon me again – Now from a higher vantage point at this scenic overlook. the kindness of your sharing with me here keeps keeping on! xo! marga
Humbly received with deep gratitude, Marga ♥
I am so glad you put this into words! I have been experiencing this exact phenomena of late with my daughter. Interestingly it doesn’t come through as strongly with the boys, but they are still quite young; T worries mostly about the nuances of Lego construction and Nicholas is just kind of happy with clean pants and a full belly. 😉 But my 12 year old daughter…I will literally have the flash of an emotion, which I then translate in my mind (seconds of time) and it would pass away without any analysis, except that she immediately voices whatever I just felt. I quite literally feel her emotion as she feels it. It definitely is spooky parenting. I love the imagery of the cells mingling, and I have a suspicion there is much more to this than just imagery.
On a seperate note, the image at the top of this post brought tears to my eyes, and made my heart swell. What a mother you are. I mean truly, deeply, from the depths of my heart, what a mother you are.
Oh Andrea! HOw you know of mothering! What did we sign up for? Eye- yiyiyiyiyi! Maybe the spookiness does have something to do with girls; the extra x is marking the spooky spot! 🙂 It is so funny, I had not really looked at that picture, not really, and suddenly it is filling me with strength and a zoomed out perspective beyond the day to day with you offering me your insights.
Are your bed sheets sandy yet? Hope so! xxoxoxoxo!
Tender , so tender ….I love your photo , looking forward together with affection . Hugs xxxmeg
finding that photo reminded me of the true view before us, after such a navel gazing winter 🙂 Big hugs back! xo!m
True.
I like it when science validates my tendency toward the WOO!