it’s not you, it’s me

14 Jul

disappoint

The closer I get to naked

the more I’ve been letting you down.

Disappointing you used to mean

I was doing something wrong –

that there would be some

middle of the night

tossing and turning,

hitting the replay button

to find the moment of disconnect,

the faux, faux pas,

replaying it

(that moment)

each time with subtle changes

that would make it all alright,

would make me still be loved.

You’ve had some expectation

that I will not be meeting.

On this crowded dance floor

where you and I go round,

the frown you want to show me,

only helps me

see myself.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Maybe I don’t need to look at my reflection

in your mirror anymore;

maybe I don’t need to worry

about your big let down.

It is alright, and freeing,

for now there is more time

for walking, looking, dancing, splashing,

every move I make for joy,

alone and without

the thrown-off,

old and tired gravity

of what we want others to do.

I’m sure that you will soon see

that some of us are

enjoying the show

of what unfolds

from free.

 

26 Responses to “it’s not you, it’s me”

  1. Hariod Brawn July 14, 2014 at 4:15 pm #

    ‘ . . .the tired, old gravity of what we want others to do.’

    An exquisite line, so evocative and pregnant with meaning.

    Many congratulations on this work.

    • marga t. July 14, 2014 at 9:05 pm #

      Thank you and thank you, journey, for the clarity that can blossom along the way. May your cheese be pleasingly melty today.

  2. Andrea July 14, 2014 at 5:58 pm #

    Yes. The is so pertinent in my life right now. The gratitude I hold in my heart for having the small handful of friends like you, who can accept and be accepted, or rather, don’t even require the exercise of acceptance but instead BEING just infuses everything without need for judgement or analysis. Thank you.

    • marga t. July 14, 2014 at 9:09 pm #

      The vast contrast between the used-to-be relationships full of expectations and the reality of these new but priceless friendships in BEING has me clearing out, yet again – a permanent, soul spring cleaning. So treasure your sol revelry in my corner, Ms. A! xoxo!

  3. Kelly Kuhn July 14, 2014 at 7:03 pm #

    Oh sheesh, you are singing my song! How I used to live each day wondering what I should wear to gain approval, what I should say to not offend, what I did wrong that made others be displeased in one way or another. Exhausting!

    Scary to shed the layers, to get naked. And, yet, this liberation… so wonderful to move and dance! Even as that means we say goodbye to some. But then others come, new others who are right for our naked selves. Question is, will I start picking up and wearing layers I think are needed to keep them in my life? Possibly, but hopefully they will be lighter, allowing me to breathe a little easier.

    Love this lovely post.

    • marga t. July 14, 2014 at 9:15 pm #

      I am sure the answer is NO, you will not be draping on those old layers, so last year! 🙂 I’m talking to myself, too! We know the ease of these new clothes/no clothes,and more and more those layers will feel so foreign the more we choose to disrobe, that the thought of picking them up will not even arise, at some point! At a certain point, it seems to me, we walk through a threshold that only pulls us on; we chose it! So so so blessed to get to journey with you, Kelly!

      • Kelly Kuhn July 16, 2014 at 12:05 am #

        Ah, you have taken me beyond relationships, to every way I am in this world, most importantly with myself. Thank you! I want to remove every layer of not-me, especially how I care for myself. I’ve been doing that with my food/eating for over a year and have been in this in-between world of the old and new. Ultimately good, yet so foreign. Yet I can’t go back to the old ways of treating myself – that seems impossibly foreign, even as I did it for the vast majority of my life.

        I am living in nearly constant disillusionment, marga. So many layers have come off yet so many are still on. I am still in my house with my family and day-to-day life, and yet I feel that nothing is the same. I am not the same. I live in despair over what is, and yet feel terror of (not knowing) what will be. Grateful I can tell you that.

    • marga t. July 16, 2014 at 11:43 am #

      Kelly,
      I know that feeling/place you are describing. Just being able to say it just as it feels to be, for me, can feel a bit relieving. As lifelong patterns fall away, and we find we can’t won’t go back, yet we are unsure of what is coming, everything is in flux; the things we have relied upon, counted as permanent, seem no longer to be found, and the groundlessness of our choice for change has us holding on for dear life. Thank you for giving voice to this – and for trusting me to be with you in this space. I am more familiar with this space than I ever thought I would be. I’ll quote a friend of mine who has been a deliverer of helpful words when I find myself here again: 1. she often reminds me how loved I am, when I cannot remember and she has told me, 2. it is okay to not be okay. Those two things have been helpful to me – So much love to you Kelly, and joy in your courage to be where you need to be even if it is painful.
      xoxoxo! marga

  4. smilecalm July 14, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

    visualizing humans dancing happily
    amongst the dandelions and wild mushrooms 🙂

    • marga t. July 14, 2014 at 9:23 pm #

      Sharing that vision with you, SC. How much potential exists in each scene when we walk away and enter in anew, without ever taking a step, (except to dance).

  5. When in New Places July 15, 2014 at 1:47 am #

    Love, love, LOVE this ~ So beautifully written!
    Especially…
    “alone and without
    the thrown-off,
    old and tired gravity
    of what we want others to do.”
    Thanks for sharing this loveliness.
    ~ Andrea ❤

    • marga t. July 15, 2014 at 11:39 am #

      Thanks for sharing time here with me, Andrea. I just stepped back in time to the beautiful spring flowers and traveling adventures in April. Your descriptions give me this free feeling inside that I could go anywhere and do anything! xo marga

  6. Michael July 15, 2014 at 2:02 am #

    A brilliant theme today, Miss M! I am pursued by the thought that this aloneness you describe, while at first it may truly carry the look and feel of being alone because the bonds of pleasing the others, once broken, puts things in disarray, results in room for a deeper and mutually shared fullness. I’m stating the obvious here. Obvious is good– well, it’s okay. You said it superbly, and it was a glorious draught to taste, and I thank you for that.

    Michael

    • marga t. July 15, 2014 at 11:52 am #

      I visited the conversation that you and Hariod recently had ~ and mightily enjoyed the journey through words and philosophies boiling down into remembering. I was reminded of an earlier transition of yours from ACIM group that had a leader parting – do you remember – when was that? And this little writing here is some sorting out of my own in a similar dynamic. The “you” is actually more of a few who severed ties when I naively tried to part with mutual understanding; , but I found no way to depart and move on that did not cause a severing – so strange to me anymore that mutual understanding cannot be achieved, and so I came to recognize why departing was necessary by the dynamic playing out. Heart parts have been throbbing a bit in my inability to please, while still making my own way. Ah, poetry points so much better than this dense explaining. Just wanted to connect back to your sharing on two separate occasions that has been helpful to me here. Looking forward to visiting your latest after class! A cicada is singing a rattle song to you outside my window – Joyous Tuesday, Michael! xo! m

      • Michael July 16, 2014 at 12:16 am #

        What a memory you have, M! I am honored by the depth of your listening… That was probably a year ago, and a somewhat confusing time for me. I was the departing one, and while it seems from the glimpses offered our situations were not identical, I can relate to the aching heart of navigating a necessary, yet somehow simultaneously confusing state. Mine was partly a concern about being the cause of another’s pain, and uncertainly navigating that concern. Feeling caught between two minds. It is always conflict like that, torn between polarities, that causes the real suffering I think. Healing sometimes takes time. There’s a reset that occurs after one’s first car crash… The “perfect” record shattered, never to be recovered… It’s a good death. The death of another concept.

        I’m becoming more trusting in the notion that poetry is the way! I’m greatly enjoying the dialogue with Hariod as well, feeling some authentic heart-tickling and head-scratching going on… So delicious!

        Wishing you peace this evening.

        Michael

  7. ptero9 July 15, 2014 at 3:57 am #

    Lovely, heartfelt stuff Marga!

    No matter how much I tried to be what I thought they wanted, a) I’m still me, b) it never mattered to others, especially those who weren’t looking for me, but only a mirror.

    xxx
    Debra

    • marga t. July 15, 2014 at 11:58 am #

      Boiled down, essential seeing, Debra! I recognize through this latest experience how sometimes we can see the heart underneath the layers of confusion in its potential shining in some we interact with, but we cannot free it for them. I can only speak my truth with love and how it is received is not my doing. So grateful am I again and again for the interaction with my handful of kindred here who have and are releasing their hearts along with me – which changes everything! xo! marga

  8. seeingm July 16, 2014 at 3:28 pm #

    Company has just departed. That type that are trackers of our past selves from over the past 25 years…and it is fun to see that over time there has been much motion. It is interesting to watch were we are currently at…and also to acknowledge when so much distance has been covered that we loose (or are lost) in those rear view mirrors of that living and we keep dancing alone instead. Beautiful. Just beautiful. -x.M

    • marga t. July 17, 2014 at 11:01 pm #

      Some interactions seem to call for a swapping of stories of the past, but now, those stories feel like the plot of a book I read or a movie I saw that I identified with, but it wasn’t actually me. I won’t link, oh no, but Mac Davis once sang that happiness was viewing Texas in a rearview mirror. Yeee haw! I’m dancing, but not to that song! Hope your clammy palms are still giving you space! xo! m

  9. amandaseesdreams July 19, 2014 at 8:22 pm #

    “Walking, looking, dancing, splashing”
    Love that!

    Did you also create that image? I love her glance…so evocative

    • marga t. July 19, 2014 at 10:47 pm #

      If you click on the image, it links to the artist’s page on Deviant Art. I liked many of this artist’s works – especially those sort of searing glances amongst absurdity. Splash!

  10. Sangeeta July 26, 2014 at 7:19 am #

    Beautiful and powerful!

    • marga t. July 30, 2014 at 2:07 pm #

      Thank you, Sangeeta. So so nice to see you!

      • Sangeeta July 30, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

        Marga 🙂 🙂

      • Sangeeta July 31, 2014 at 5:08 am #

        🙂 🙂

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