fear

16 Apr

I now pledge to stop driving the Car.  I am sitting in the back seat with my feet up; letting the reigns go.  This life is out of my hands.

That is not to say that I am not here; I have not checked out.

I allow myself to step away while still being here fully.

I allow myself to follow my impulses more; I stand alone a bit more, I listen more without internal dialogue, I  speak my truth more.  I quit working;   I  go outdoors without  my shoes.  I  travel.  I  dance.  I  step away from anything I do not want to do.  I  let my children just be.  I throw more things away.  I keep my face free of products more often.  I sweat. I swear.  I pursue primitive arts.  I trust that just every moment is as perfectly orchestrated as it is.  I rejoice.  I know that I am easily, naturally, perfected in my skin – my mind – my breath – my flow – and I play my part without pause, or rather full of the pause that Bukowski writes about , the area of pause…

Truth is, I often stare in to space for more time than I can account for…I am well on my way to dismissing fear –

I had a night years ago that started me on a trail;  I wrestled fear and won.  Many of you might remember the night that followed the day the stock market plunged in 2008, when liars and thieves paraded themselves around as saviors?  I went head first into fear that day, hitting refresh, refresh, refresh to watch the numbers tumble as if they were real – as if we were all falling without a net; I was a sheep led to the slaughter of my beliefs.

When I turned the lights out – out came the daemon made from  all my years of fear, clay formed from tendencies to imagine worst case scenarios, to quiver with what if’s, to retreat into caves for safety; all of that had accumulated into a mass in which my current tremblings had breathed life forming a being full of darkness who imagined it had power over me – he grabbed me by the throat and we wrestled  on that sleepless night –

Yet when the morning light seeped through the shuttered blinds – I had left some part of my habits behind for good.  I may be a bit Israel – for that horrible creature I had created and I, we went head to head, and I won, but I do still limp at times, proud, in the memory of my battle over fear.

 

 

29 Responses to “fear”

  1. ptero9 April 16, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

    “Many of you might remember the night that followed the day the stock market plunged in 2008, when liars and thieves paraded themselves around as saviors?”

    Yes, a turning point for me, or at least a reminder as to what is really of value and what is not. The period following seems like a stripping away, and although some loss has been painful, it’s all very cleansing.

    xxx
    Debra

    • marga t. April 16, 2014 at 9:55 pm #

      Awareness itself set out a challenge to think of 11 things that one might do if they didn’t feel fear, and as i pondered that, I realized there was a demarcation in my relationship with fear – and though I’m not through, that wrestling, that stripping away, was a gift that helped me see through the veil a bit more. I wonder how many of us opened that gift 🙂 xo! m

  2. viewpacific April 16, 2014 at 3:11 pm #

    Letting go is good. Letting my kids be kids is good for me.
    I’m not so sure about letting go of the wheel of a car I’m driving. I’m not so sure that sitting on the back seat, figuratively speaking, works well for me.
    It seems to me that the Wall Street thieves will benefit at our expense if we aren’t paying attention. I have many friends who just stopped reading their bank and IRA statements following drops like in 2008.
    Isn’t there a middle way?

    • marga t. April 16, 2014 at 10:01 pm #

      I love this mirror you hold up for me, V! I think you are calling out the paradox embedded here. I am sitting in the back seat because I am giving up the illusion of control, yet I am still in operation. How’s that? haha! I don’t think my metaphor holds up all the way. Perhaps the vehicle is like the “Life is Just a Ride” (Bill Hicks) sort of self-propelling experience that we believe we control, then come to see, we really don’t. The thieves only have power to the extent that I believe in them, so in this way, I have shifted my focus away from broken systems in an organic way – that does not fuel that fire, or as much as it did, anyway. Such a strange world in strange times! xo! m

      • viewpacific April 17, 2014 at 1:48 am #

        Thanks, marga. Yes, it’s a paradox. It seems to me there’s something in still “holding the wheel” of our lives, although lightly and mindfully.
        It truly can seem impossible to have any control at all when we realize we’re on a ball flying through space at some high speed. At the same time, to those who believe in free will, intention, and manifestation, we can make a difference.

      • viewpacific April 17, 2014 at 4:29 am #

        I just ran across this: PISCES MORTUI SOLUM CUM FLUMINE NATANT. (“Only dead fish go with the flow “)

    • marga t. April 17, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

      Hey. Are you saying I am a dead fish? haha! I love/hate this polarity – and I recognize this razor’s edge as one of my very important learning packages in this lifetime. I am one dancing on both sides of the aisle – so what I may post as a truth for me one day, of course holds great potential on the flip side. I do have a tendency to go with the flow – but my life has often taken me to places where I was forced to exert my will, and I found the strength in my Will to do as the circumstances seemed to require. I would like to mention that very adept and flexible fish scout out the currents flowing like mighty rivers within an ocean of choice and along with their own swimming skill are aided by the flow they choose to ride within. I think this metaphor works better for me than sitting in the back seat, for certainly, I am working not to resist, and not to passively allow the currents to toss me willy nilly about, but to learn to match the true flow within me to the mighty flow outside of me – and allow the path to teach me along the way. How wonderful of you to engage with words and ideas – and really help me articulate more clearly. I also like the polarity of the conversation mirrored in our positions: View Atlantic shouting out to View Pacific! Hope your day is willfully flowy. 🙂

      • viewpacific April 18, 2014 at 3:24 am #

        Ha! Clearly you got my meaning, so you bet you’re no dead fish.
        We seem to both have noticed that balance involves times to swim and times to coast.
        Getting back to your earlier metaphor of the car, I remembered some thoughts I had shared a couple years ago.
        http://viewpacific.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/im-climbing-out-of-the-trunk/
        What I wrote was mostly about relationship, and yet there’s that same paradox about the sweet spot between control and letting go.
        Maybe back to the fish metaphor, as we explore this from coast to coast. 🙂

  3. Kelly Kuhn April 16, 2014 at 3:54 pm #

    Oh geez, there you go again! I am career and graduate program searching, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, and I saw your email and thought I would read it later because I don’t a lot of time this morning. Then I read it anyway, knowing your post would remind me to be present to mySelf during this search, rather than go crazy, as my lower self is apt to do. You gave me just that in your lovely marga way and I am very, very grateful.

    This one I will read again. And hopefully again.

    • marga t. April 17, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

      So nice to connect with you, Kelly. The pace of life around here is very quick right now (as I see it is with you too), so anything that puts me in a good place is sought out – squeezed in – and sometimes even in the rapid fire rhythm, I am more able to stay within a good flow. Riding the rapids with you 🙂 xo! m

  4. smilecalm April 16, 2014 at 4:55 pm #

    how wonderful
    being light, happy and free
    of keys and car insurance 🙂

  5. ~meredith April 16, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    Caterpillar made of steel
    Eating ground for every meal
    Men
    intend to buy
    With prophets’ profits.
    What is real?

    • viewpacific April 17, 2014 at 1:43 am #

      Ooh, ~meredith, I like that!

      • ~meredith April 17, 2014 at 11:25 am #

        Well hi! And thank you! And wow… thanks for the greeting. (I’ve been to visit your blog, too).

    • marga t. April 17, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

      Oh, how terrific, Meredith. I love the world through your unique lens. A trippy tangential journey in almost every word. And as for your last line ( I can’t hear that without hearing Morpheus’ voice:

      xo! m

      • ~meredith April 17, 2014 at 6:04 pm #

        ooooh! that’s so cool of you to say. oh, oh, oh! matrix mind tricks. yea, baby! tx, marga. you rock the stadium today, girl. 🙂 meredith

  6. Awareness ItSelf April 17, 2014 at 12:53 am #

    Funny I was just talking to someone today about this yearning to let go of control – to sit in the back seat and enjoy the ride. or at least unclench the fingers on the wheel. And here you’ve done it sister. Fought the ogre and lived. And quite well it seems. Feels like Floating. Like Bliss. I particularly enjoyed this line today “I trust that just every moment is as perfectly orchestrated as it is. ” to especially trust life when everything points to its opposite. The Shlomo of the Internet 🙂 Nice work 🙂

    • marga t. April 17, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

      Kanpai, Erin! I toast you in this roomy back seat as we happily watch scenery unfolding as we fly by! That DOG/GOD is sure a wild driver 😉 Thank you for letting me free flow with your promptings. Did anyone follow directions and do 11?

  7. Andrea April 18, 2014 at 1:06 pm #

    Yes, who is this crazy cab driver?!?! I agree, lets sit in the back seat and play a game of I Spy. So many delightful and unfathomable sights along the way. I recall my own wrestling with fear, and it seems that a certain ‘insanity’ had to grip me, to bring me back to the sanity of letting go. Actually, it does seem to be a tug of war in my life, and I pull and pull until I let go, and fear falls on his arse. But of course, after a time, I pick up the rope again, and repeat the cycle. I do notice, however, that the rope is forgotten for longer and longer each time, and that one day perhaps, I will forget it completely. 🙂

    • marga t. April 18, 2014 at 6:27 pm #

      That rope is amazingly easy to pick up again and again! There is so much outside validation for the worrywart ways – the struggle! My lack of fear in the face of some of the storms that come my way are good evidence for my funny farm application – you know – the mindset that it would be crazy not to be afraid. It is so much fun playing I spy and 20 questions, noshing and toasting this road trip craziness – it is actually a very short day trip in the zoomed out scope – what a short, strange trip its been. So grateful to be able to zoom along with you!!! xo! m

  8. seeingm April 18, 2014 at 11:04 pm #

    We can run and run and run from what we fear. We fly until we are ready to turn and face it…meeting it as a foe or a friend.

    It is my experience that fear is one of the best midwives at bringing darkness into the light. (as Gandalf the White is birthing herself 🙂 ). -x.M

    • seeingm April 18, 2014 at 11:05 pm #

      think I may have left this clip elsewhere before, but will do it again here for those who are following the rope as it threads and unravels into the pieces of truth 🙂

      • marga t. April 19, 2014 at 12:25 pm #

        I must have internalized this image, for when I pictured my wrestling match, the shadow creation mirrored this horror, though in micro fashion! This clip never fails to give me full being shivers – for though I can write about something from a distance, there is such a mighty force in the things we have to face, at times. Seems the more we run, the bigger and darker it can grow. Thank you, M, for always filling in the thing I am seeing behind the mist. xo! m (are there aebleskivers on the menu for the visit! Beach walks! Blessings on the man who gave thee life:)

  9. cheyennepaints April 19, 2014 at 4:34 am #

    Good to see your image over at Orbs Delight, Marga. I’m now focussing on my new blog, Cheyenne Paints… Sounds like you’re in that limbo state between passions that I know so well. Unsettling! So much easier to have ardent intent. It’s a right of passage, the tunnel of birthing, I wish you the very best in weathering the eye of the hurricane…

    • marga t. April 19, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

      Oh so wonderful to see Cheyenne again, full tilt into her passions, naming the state of things around here so quickly. I am holding center, embracing any stillness I can get, while feeling the flutterings of things to come with a smile. xo! marga

      • cheyennepaints April 19, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

        Who better to surf the disquieting stillness than you…. Many smiles your way, Marga!

  10. Uncle Tree May 17, 2014 at 10:23 am #

    I like your style! 🙂 I love your attitude!

    My cat’s pause makes me pause,
    then I have to look and see
    out of curiosity – just because.

    • marga t. May 18, 2014 at 9:14 pm #

      Thank you, Uncle Tree.
      The cat’s paws, pause my pause, sometimes.
      What I really love is the way the cat seems to be watching intently things I cannot see.

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