it is a shame

22 Feb

in a heap

The sidewalk opens up,

you wouldn’t believe,

in the most pedestrian of moments;

a swirling confusion

with a gravity all its own

pulls on me as I am

trying to be a human,

forcing myself out of the bedroom,

imagining as if all of this is real.

When I buy into

this body, I am

winking and nudging

unwilling partners – and blushing

from the effort.

My rush for acceptance has me

shuffling off to buffalo

into the orchestra pit,

landing on the violin player

who is Asian,

and svelte,

and oh, so condescending.

Get off, I imagine.

I can’t hide enough

to feel any better –

(the reel still plays within),

but what else are we

to do when

longing stirs

– stuff it down?

That makes me hungry

for dark, espresso cake.

Should I seek a dark corner to nurse

the shame it brings to try?

Am I to step up and play it all out?

I am naked in the park –

a soft and sad animal,

toenails unpainted,

goose pimply and white fleshed –

walk by me with mild

disgust, you.

Yet years of trying to move with

the padded safety gear of

saying scripted words,

doing rote and right motions,

hiding silly mind twists behind a polite smile –

all this does me in

as well –

that is a

calloused clawing crawl

into every night’s dark pit.

I am tired of this divide

I am tired of desire and

splatting falls.

I yearn to be the perfect package

of gleaming rightness.

Who feels the sting of not being that?

Who longs and loathes?

Who stares for hours

into space,

trying to see

the finish line?

19 Responses to “it is a shame”

  1. Alison and Don February 22, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

    So powerful. So true. Who *is* it that does all that longing?! I always both love and envy your writing.
    love from me
    Alison

    • marga t. February 23, 2014 at 2:55 am #

      Love back to you, Alison. Taking a good long look at the who of that – longing. Not sure yet, but the asking feels just right right now. Looking forward to catching up with you all soon!

  2. smilecalm February 22, 2014 at 9:03 pm #

    enjoyed the journey so much
    i read it again!
    for some reason
    grateful dead popped to mind:
    “such a long time to be gone
    and a short time to be here” 🙂

    • marga t. February 23, 2014 at 2:59 am #

      lately it occurs to me,
      what a long,
      strange trip
      its been. 🙂
      I reread the lyrics
      it has been a while since
      I’ve heard those dear dead fellows
      and there were overlaps
      with words and references – how cool!
      deep in my subconscious flow.

  3. Andrea February 22, 2014 at 11:36 pm #

    Oh you are so deep in it, and with such honesty. We all go to this place, and those who have the courage to write about it and express it freely are a delight to my insides. Perhaps lets put away the exit ladders for a moment, sit here among the broken cement and cry a little.

    • marga t. February 23, 2014 at 3:03 am #

      To share the real brings shaky knees – but I can feel the energy moving on as I allow myself to put words to experience – your sitting with me here a bit – powerful juju!

  4. Awareness ItSelf February 23, 2014 at 12:28 am #

    Who does’t long and loathe? I don’t know. This is the song that has been coming to mind lately for me – the You’re No good refrain that I still keep singing to myself no matter how far I’ve come. Just skip pat the intro in this video.

    • marga t. February 23, 2014 at 3:10 am #

      Oh wow, that was such an experience to step into the song and time! The voice in the head at least has a bit of a groove, though the words ring horribly untrue. Such a trip – this life. Thank you so much for the space you gift to me, Erin! (Some fun that yellow pants suit girl:)

      • Awareness ItSelf February 23, 2014 at 3:58 pm #

        It is a trip! I do love the yellow pants suit girl. Groovy man! Take care sister 🙂

  5. Kelly Kuhn February 23, 2014 at 3:37 am #

    Beautiful, achy, and beautiful some more.

    • marga t. February 24, 2014 at 3:09 am #

      thank you for being with me here, Kelly.

  6. seeingm February 23, 2014 at 4:12 pm #

    I completely echo the sentiments of one Ms K Kuhn. Poignantly gorgeous.

    Serious contemplations that deserve a moment of deep pause and reflection. Words combined in a way that leave me in awe of the inner made bare.

    I in no way wish to make light of the power in such a courageous share, but I got a little flash of this in my head when I thought about the years of trying to move with padded safety gear of the script. Somewhere in those depths of seriousness and the feeling of complete certainty that wants to say how heavy and real it all is, this happens to the traps of wrong thinking and I always end laughing through the tears:

    M & M having courage to really feel the weight as we naturally still say F off to the gloom and doom taking the padding throwing grooving moves anyway.

    You are so outstanding.

    Love Love Loves, x.M

    • marga t. February 24, 2014 at 3:20 am #

      You do make me laugh – and wish to dance in a wonderful padded suit with you – suddenly what was heavy is light in the sharing! I really, seriously think money would be wisely invested in suits such as these – I am thinking of a new kind of therapy being born right here with the right kind of music and a dance in the padding; years of work in a few minutes! The doom heard the F off loud and clear – for a time – anyway. Sometimes it feels like blogging is a lot like practice for shunting at a school of nursing; sometimes I am sticking the needle in all over the place then suddenly it hits a vein. Much love sent out to M’s in Motion. Ease in y/our travels. xo! m

  7. seeingm February 23, 2014 at 4:27 pm #

    Reblogged this on seeingM and commented:
    To stand in awe at words is a beautiful place to be as I head to work this Sabbath morn. Please enjoy the depth of Marga.

    Ever her own, yet with a voice that still speaks so eloquently for the foundational moments all humanity who are focused on growth share.

    I am honored to call her my friend.

    -x.M

  8. Michael February 23, 2014 at 9:35 pm #

    Oh wow and holy shit. I feel the sting. We all feel the sting. The amazing thing is you shared something, evoked something, but it wasn’t the sting. It was the depth in you that lies far beyond the loathing and longing that I felt inside these words, and it jarred me out of a silent stare into space. I realized, we all know these places. We are not alone… I am in a packed auditorium, with all beings, awaiting the opening of the curtain. I must have just been day-dreaming.

    Michael

    • marga t. February 24, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

      You’ve got me feeling the truth of light and receivership as a beginingless exchange – I too am nodding off in the process in the crowded auditorium, dreaming I am alone and unique in my shame – yet waking up in time for the act that we all invited that invited us. ineffable pain and delight, one cannot be without the other. Ineffable gratitude, M!

  9. ptero9 February 24, 2014 at 10:22 pm #

    “Who stares for hours

    into space,

    trying to see

    the finish line?”

    Everywhere I look, there is still mystery. But even as part of that mystery, your writing is comforting recognition of the struggle we’re all in, and even in struggle you still bring us so much beauty.

    xxx
    Debra

    • marga t. February 25, 2014 at 12:25 am #

      Mystery everywhere, yes! The persona here allows the sorrow to cloud the wonder, so it organically flowed up to the surface for a good looking over. I appreciate the space my wordpress compadres gave me here to give voice to an old, not quiet vanquished shadow companion. Feels as if allowing in this way not only helped shine a light here, but also allowed me to see the commonality of the experience. Shadow work in such a public forum – oye! Enjoyed your alchemy connections – listening to Dylan now, thanks to you! xo! marga

      • ptero9 February 25, 2014 at 4:03 am #

        🙂

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