thoughts behind the thoughts

6 Jan

Thorny Plant

We often have little bugaboos that are particular to each particular body suit:  recurring sinus infections, celiacs, migraines, asthma, insomnia, allergies;  we all know about these sort of  things!  There are challenges that are particular to each of us, yet also shared in  a commonality of annoyance or dread or danger: a thorn in the side, to tie it to a more ancient character, Paul.  I remember endless debate about what Paul’s thorn in the side was referring to when I was a child, immersed in a Christian world, which can get fuzzy to me now after all these years.  I remember speculation about his thorn being poor eye sight, a chronic disease, a sinful desire, mental anguish.   How cool that he didn’t come right out and reveal his cause of suffering!   By not doing so, he raised an awareness of a universal challenge of being a human in a body.

After having worked through the handful of accepted modern medical suggestions without results for one of my little body bugaboos, I moved on to the gazzilion of alternative and wacky suggestions found on the grab bag of the internet 🙂 !  I also have taken many days of separation and quiet to address the issue through mediation, spiritual causes, prayer, stopping short of dancing around a fire, naked, howling at the full moon…Okay, I admit it;   I tried that too!  😉

In the midst of my working through, This article about Rinpoche’s gangrene and year of healing came to my attention.   Some of the wisdom that I garnered from this article was not the actual end result of healing, but rather, the process and acceptance seen in the being of Rinpoche.  Gangrene is a gladiator match compared to my playground argument as far as body challenges go, so through this article, I became immediately aware of  SCALE.   Gangrene, loss of limb, oozing discomfort, risk of infection throughout the body, sure quick death and decay knocking on your doorstep every morning upon waking, every night upon sleep, every opening from empty mind, a road of scary thoughts beckoning one down the path of fear.  The big bad wolf is a smelly guest who may not ever leave.

And while there was mediation and spaciousness with Lama Rinpoche, the symptoms did not disappear over night from the sheer strength of his trust and fearlessness and detachment.  It took a bloody year.  Every day of that year were symptoms and sensations, changes that could be taken for doom.  Putrid ooze, my gracious!

How does he approach this?  First, he is accepting.  He is not banking on anything.  He is not proclaiming healing from day one.  What is the worst that can happen, he asks?  He looses this one life.  Hmmm.   That’s the worst?   He is awareness observing what is unfolding.

Through Rinpoche’s example,   I became aware of triggers that small symptoms of my discomfort could bring about – as quick as lightning, thought behind thoughts.  A negative thought  can be hidden behind a positive affirmation.  This is hard to describe, but it can go something like this.  When I might get a small symptom after thinking the problem was getting better, I realized that I had been attached to getting better, and any indication to the contrary, sent me into a remembrance of the thought  everything I have tried has not helped  which led to the thought this will not get better  which led to a self pity crescendo I will have to live with this until the end of my daysOye, such a pity :)…but it is just a flash, just a flash of that negativity, covered up by another plan quickly, another solution, a mask of positivity instead of an examination of the powerful flash of negativity – still bouncing in the playing field of polarity of thinking.

I’m trying not to get bogged down here in my explanation, but it is hard to describe the momentary workings of the brain and thinking.

There is this truth:  I already know what the healing is like.  I am releasing outcome – and that is what healing is…not the physical manifestation.    I can walk through the symptoms without attachment because I know that this is exactly what is right for right now;  healing is the thoughts, not the body.

Rinpoche woke every morning for a year with symptoms and seemingly did nothing but observe and continue on his path.  When the symptoms appear momentarily for me now, I am becoming aware of a shift within.   I often catch myself before the spiral down, and I remember the way it feels to be well.  I remember wellness in a bodily way without attachment.

I even question the thought that “it” should even go away – that is not really my concern, is it?   I even have found the positives for if it continues for forever.   Staying present in the discomfort and not following a negative path of thoughts wakes me up to blessing that are existing right in the moment.  When I followed the negative thought trail, even for a moment, I was blinding me to the moment.  I couldn’t feel the very air around me, the presence of others, the things that are going well, all the amazing things I am able to do, the blessings raining down!   The symptoms could momentarily trigger in me a blindness.   The contrast of my very endurable symptoms to Rinpoche’s diseased leg woke me up to some very subtle levels of thoughts.

I am observing, sharing, I have no beautiful summing up for what is unfolding currently in the now – and I think this is a valuable place to be, in the now, without words of wisdom but glimmers of Ahah!  Ahah!  Ahah!  on a  beautiful morning  this new year.  Love and blessings and remembrance sent to you, wherever you may be, experiencing the twinges and discomforts of living in a body, awakening to the blessings present in every moment!

Absolutely profound teaching here from Katie:  Could we ever imagine a reason for the challenges?  Do we want the blessings found even in perceived suffering to end?  Never!

15 Responses to “thoughts behind the thoughts”

  1. barbarafranken January 6, 2014 at 2:36 pm #

    I love this marga… I will forward it onto my mum who lives with the conflict of healing and not healing… you say it all so beautifully and understandable… ah ah… Thankyou for sharing… Barbara

    • marga t. January 6, 2014 at 6:42 pm #

      Thank you, Barbara. I seem to learn and relearn the wonderful blessings wrapped within seeming challenges. Blessings to you and Tom, today 🙂

  2. Alison January 7, 2014 at 1:46 am #

    Thank you. This is so exactly what I needed to hear right now, both from you and from Katie.

    • marga t. January 7, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

      Simpatico, dear Alison! Much love sent to you and Don in Peru?!?

      • Alison January 7, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

        Yes, we’re still in Peru. So much to see and do here.

  3. ptero9 January 7, 2014 at 4:15 am #

    “There is this truth: I already know what the healing is like. I am releasing outcome – and that is what healing is…not the physical manifestation.”

    Very insightful and potent stuff to ponder Marga!

    • marga t. January 7, 2014 at 6:31 pm #

      Thank you, Debra. Such a funny dynamic to need the words I find coming from my typing fingers 🙂 xo! marga

  4. seeingm January 7, 2014 at 10:32 pm #

    When we free our thoughts to consciously create reality with new meanings for the same old same old, my oh my the places we can go! I love it when Katie talks about LOVING what is…not just lip service, but rreeaallyy loving. Problems? POOF 🙂

    Excellent share. -x.M

    • marga t. January 8, 2014 at 11:59 am #

      It is funny to me how something can go from a pain in the A** to a welcomed and fun and funny process, from sinking sand to POOF, so quickly, with the right questions! Until everyone and everything becomes precious, there is still work to do. Thank you for the spotlight on the crux of the thing 🙂 X! m

  5. Michael January 8, 2014 at 2:15 am #

    Great, exploratory post. It is helpful to realize we are all going through these things. I had a bad cold during my recent time away from work, about 2-3 weeks on the heels of the previous bout with a virus. That, after some of the longest periods of my life without a sinus infection. There was a moment when I was pretty frustrated, thinking about how relatively few expanses of unclaimed time I have, and I came to the conclusion that I just need to be present in my life and embrace what is right there. How easy it is to slip into judging one use of time over another, one experience of life over another, one set of circumstances over another. I really relate to the cascade of nagging thoughts that tumble around behind the efforted positivity, to the being on the verge of admitting that feeling of helplessness may need to be given a seat at the table. But once we start talking with Everyone, there is space for something Else.

    We will all find each other eventually.


    • marga t. January 8, 2014 at 1:19 pm #

      I love the down to earthiness you bring here with your words, Michael. Though it may be a mad hatter’s tea table of a gathering at my internal house, You give a great visual of all the thoughts that get to pull up a chair before being transformed by the “outing.” I toast you in the making room for something else!

  6. Kelly Kuhn January 13, 2014 at 5:54 pm #

    Oh, marga, once again you have blessed me. Your words were so powerful and so spot-on for what I needed to read, I decided to watch video, even though it’s a whopping 6 minutes! And now you’ve got me crying tears of gratitude. Namaste, my friend.

    • marga t. January 13, 2014 at 7:53 pm #

      Kelly, Your words are such a beautiful gift to me, as well! I was so touched by the man’s bravery in this video, and the turn around by the end – Wow! 6 minutes is a big commitment; I am moved that you gave this viewing your time! much love and peace sent to you! xo! m

  7. seeingm January 19, 2014 at 5:19 pm #

    That’s our girl in such fine form! Great share. Kisses sent to the ouches which are teaching us what we are needing to remember. -x.M


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