smashing pumpkins

3 Dec

“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.”
― Joseph Campbell


There is NO TRAIL.

Behind my parents house lies a golf coarse, and behind that, a forested hill leading up to a tower.

My 81-year-old dad, confident in his newly installed hip socket, was sure there was a trail leading up to the tower, so off we, Eden, dad and me, went in search of a way up the mountain.  No watches, no phones, my dad using an old golf putter as his walking stick.

The trail proved illusive.  So we went off-trail through tall grasses, new growth woods full of brambles;  we followed some dead-ending paths, and finally we found an old growth forest that led back to the golf course and home.  We wandered  looking for a way up, but instead found our own way, without a clear end point, adventuring into unknown territories, right out the back door.

Eden scrambled ahead looking for possible trails, as we explored.  At times, we found washed-out gullies to climb; we held brambles for each other so they didn’t snap and catch us painfully; we separated and called to each other through the trees; my dad and I watched Eden roll down hills.  We found a spot where someone had dumped 10 or more pumpkins, still bright orange despite the below freezing nights.  Eden tried to smash a few against a tree, then realized they were nowhere near rotting.  She carried two back down from which to scoop out and roast seeds at my parents’ house.

This time in the woods was sandwiched by large gatherings of far-flung family.  The way my energy flowed in the woods exploring as opposed to the talking and catching up could not be more disparate.  There is something so organic and right about tromping about, making our own way in the natural world, yet I have to make these moments happen – often pushing my will by force and rejecting invitations,  chores,  obligations – recognizing the trueness of doing what I enjoy most.    I separate from the world and become whole again in these spaces.  How wonderful it was to have my father and my daughter along for this adventure.

Time without agenda flows so magically.

We have so little teaching and guidance except that which we seek out on our own.  I tell my students and my kids often words about each of us making are own way, but sometimes it sounds just like nagging or preaching.    Eyes glaze over.

What is it like to flow in your own way in each moment?  My experience opens into more and more of a moment to moment flow as I am creating my life as a reflection of all that makes sense, not in my mind, but in my body, in my heart.  The intuitive truth starts dictating and shining through each unfolding now.  The people in my life now more clearly reflect acceptance as I have come to accept myself.  The activities that are allowed entrance are no longer something to dread, but are carefully chosen for their energetic nourishment.  Food, music, possessions, friends, doings – all a reflection and creation from within.

Making one’s own trail can appear in infinite ways – it may be in nature.   It may be in a low paying job serving others.  It may be care-giving,  making food, making fun, handing out opportunities, holding doors, holding my daughters hand as her toenail is cut out by the doctor.   It may be running to the pharmacy at 9pm for meds and cat food for the strays.  It may be a firm NO as a solid reflection of boundaries.  It may be a visit to the roaring ocean, a sandy butt, a look away  or a belly laugh of compassion.  A trail of one’s own defies simple explanation.  It is what occurs naturally in each organic next step toward home.

9 Responses to “smashing pumpkins”

  1. britlight December 3, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    So lovely and flowy this piece. xxx

    • marga t. December 3, 2013 at 8:33 pm #

      Thank you – was a flowy time 🙂

  2. Andrea December 3, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

    I just love this! Eden and my daughter should be friends! 🙂 They could smash and roll and tromp together. This is so earthy and so good! As juicy as pumpkin meat and as cozy as toasted pumpkin seeds. THIS is what the holidays are about, in my view. I actually had a similar experience yesterday, really had to force myself outside (I’m a a bit resistant to feeling chilly…) but once i was out running with the kids, I was rejuvinated. Sometimes I feel like I can fall into the rut of passing the time, just waiting for something better around the corner. But no, jump right in, right now, and enjoy the moment. Its all I’ve got!

    • marga t. December 3, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

      Noelle and Eden would have great fun! I can relate to your resistance with the temperatures at your location – kudos to you for escaping the vortex of the heated house 🙂 Just getting out the door sometimes can take super human strength for many reasons! The reward to hot chocolate after can make me move. Much love to you and all the precious ones in your corner today.

  3. ptero9 December 3, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

    In winter it rains a lot here in Oregon. I do find myself more reluctant to get outside, but when I do, I am never sorry.
    My dad, who is 82, has always loved to hike and camp, and still goes out on short backpacking trips, sometimes by himself. I think if it weren’t for his influence, I would not appreciate the joy of hiking/walking and camping.
    Thanks for sharing your sense of adventure here.

    • marga t. December 3, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

      I hope to be like our fathers at that age, taking the journey into the woods! I am all for the tromping about, but I am not so eager for sleeping in a tent, haha 🙂 Hope there are some breaks between the raindrops for you! Thanks for your sharing!

  4. lauriesnotes December 3, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

    Love this..”carefully chosen” and reflecting what’s inside…
    I have come to a place of now what? Embracing the exploration best i can…love the image of exploring in the natural world. I will carry this with me. Thanks ♡

    • marga t. December 3, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

      Oh, so nice to share with you here, Laurie. Now what? What a wonderful place to be – the field of unknowing. xo! marga

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