I once resided in a matrix built on the idea that a marriage had to survive no matter what. Who built this grid? I did. Granted, the master designs for this planned community were laid out long before I came along. I built onto a long tradition with my own dead ended ideas of right and wrong. With the strong pressure for staying married, for following the social conventions, I can totally understand why I held on to those ideas for so long, 20 years in earth time 🙂
I came to smell the foul breath of dying from within. From a deadend stop where I left myself no options, I wished that All would be over soon. There are lenses through which the cake has always been too sweet, the dance chaotic, the dress stained, the milk turned sour, and the flowers faded and browning. Oye. What a sketchy neighborhood this is!
In this box, the only legitimate reasons to leave a marriage were simple: physical abuse, infidelity or drug addiction. I was blind to any other options in my own reality even in the midst of a crumbling relationship and unreasonable conditions for long years of spiraling down. I kept a smile on my face through misery and worked my diligent magic trying to fix everything that was being broken on purpose one step ahead of me. The moment of realization was a toggle switch, I can’t fix this. My job was to walk away in love. Oh my, the light came on and my feet did walk in the direction that I needed to go. The matrix crumbled in an instant and all the previous madness disappeared like the illusion that it was. Gone. Pooof!
Welcome to a tiny borough that once existed in an overgrown and dying city within my little head.
Imagine the worlds we have all created, patterns of thoughts with neon signs and imagined progressions from one place to another, when all the while we are within a false grid with high walls at the edges. Add them all together and see them overlaid with the years of matrices before we got here, overlaid by some people who wish us no good, overlaid by the patterns of shadows made from some hidden darkness, overlaid by the game board we agreed upon before we came into our identities. This is one damned beautiful and complicated basement game of Dungeons and Dragons – this life! I made it all, or agreed to dwell within this mess, until I was miserable enough to say phew, this sucks; I am going to figure out what is wrong here.
The exit out does not have to be as uncomfortable as this birth scene, eh?
The game board was constructed before I even came here, yet it is added upon by me whenever I am unconsciously creating with my thoughts. I am one of the builders of the Matrix. I see myself spinning my little corner web, yet from my new angle, I also see the grand design of unfathomable size and elaboration. We are born into practices, constructions, conditioning, cultures, religions, mindsets that we absorb as naturally as we breath. I fell into living life in each and every constructed path set before me. I’m was a good girl, I was.
Grids exist through beliefs; there are brilliant systems created for limiting human potential. In these systems I have read about and sense oversight, myself, slight of hand, smoke and mirrors, distraction. Who laid the patterns? Who uses us to fill in the material with our divine spark, usurping our goodness wittingly.
This is the part I go full out woo. You may want to stop here 🙂
Could some of these matrices we live in come from something beyond that which we can comprehend, but we can sense? Yes, we know of greed, we know of control, power, selfishness, psychotics, narcissists. Humans do have the potential for wrong. But in a world of mostly good and kind people from my 47 years of walking around this world, how do we end up with a structured path set out that leads us through a world of disease? Could some of the matrices come from eons of time, creations set out for the specific purpose of trapping our creative powers? Who are the Archons, the Nagas, the Annunaki? Why are the beasts afraid to show themselves, only acting from behind a veil, puppeting such clownish villains down here?
More interesting to me, though, is the idea that all of these elaborate games are in agreement for our growth. The dark shadows we can explore collectively can overwhelm us into fear, paranoia, and powerless feelings, yet with just a little step back, we can come to the knowledge we are in a game, a game with high stakes. Perhaps we need it to feel real so real growth can be made.
The more ways in which we can know ourselves truly, ease the suffering of others, wake up, fear less, laugh often and realize all is under control, ultimately, the more we will be able to dissolve and recreate anew. We have chosen and designed our game.
There really isn’t a wall around me. There is no path except to reject the one worn by conformity, conditioning, repetition. There aren’t boundaries and acceptable routes. Everything is open to fresh new choices in every moment. How do we escape from the middle of the maze once we know this?
When I can catch myself headed down the deadend streets, I stop and just be. The present moment and dropped identity are the trumpets of truth to disintegrate my walls. I see my own personal version of the Walls of Jerico come tumbling down.
The little matrices I spin and add to the whole world of delusion are getting caught and stopped more and more before they begin. When I stop the incorrect thinking, all of the sudden color is brighter, smells are overwhelming, life is not an HD movie; my daughters are living breathing beings interacting with me here and now, what did she just say? oh my god, how delightful and i almost missed it weaving my world of thoughts over here.
Sometimes I even imagine I’ve just arrived, fresh from the other side, full of the truth of the game from the skybox. I am a quarterback dropped into a living body in the 4th quarter. Any move is possible without the weight of my story or imagined limitations. I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day; I am new and without chains, here changing the game, dissolving the walls, spinning no webs.
Life as Improv 
I hardly know where to begin, except this is exactly how it is for me too – finally finally catching the thoughts that hold me in the old “prison” before they have hardly begun, coming to presence, being That, seeing the game, giving thanks and meaning it. It’s all just a set of beliefs, and once seen as that bit by bit the walls come tumbling down. Big hugs to you my fellow journeyer. What a trip it is eh?!
xoxox
A very trippy trip, it is! Thank you so much for the feedback loop that mirrors and reflects back to me so I can see more clearly, the presence, being that, and I love how you bring in thanks from the authentic place. Finally catching it is such a grateful place to be. xo back atcha 🙂
You went there! Go you and go woo! I really like this dissection of reality, what is it really? And what is it underthat? And what’s hidden under that? Instead of getting lost in it, you have mapped it. This is very clear. I feel my lenses and my sword sharpening as I read it. I love the imagery of just arriving, fresh and new with uninfected perspective. I am trying that on this morning. I am a bad-ass quarterback. In my sparkly velour uniform. You are a game changer M!!! xoxoxox A
Yes, surprised myself when I felt “it” tipping there 🙂 I just have to link to this piece which I read today and felt so empowered by, by the end. http://neilkramer.com/cult-of-the-god-men.html
Seems like NK has taken the Philip K. Dick baton and is sharing and expanding in what ways we can see that the empire never ended and how ultimately it matters and it also does not. How’s it going bad-ass sister? I’m swamped but but riding it out! Your description of a morning around your house – wowza – what a ride it is. I send laughter for the times it is so ridiculous you have no choice but to stomp your feet just to expel the pent up junk. Sending thrashing peace and love your way! xomarga
Ha! Yes, the divine surely has a sense of humor with me in the morning. I feel like the crazed woman, with curlers and spilling coffee, on t-shirts that read “I’m not a morning person”. 🙂 It is very ridiculous and extremely comical when I allow it to be. I am digging Byron Katie right now! You have set me a whole new path of exploration. Listening to Loving What Is right now; very insightful with loads of belly laughing. Good stuff. Thank you for the thrashing peace. Brilliant!
My teacher once said to me, “The divine shows kindness to the divine, but the divine also shows unkindness to the divine. Think about that deeply.” This is true for anything.
I read your teacher’s words and took a great pause. I understood them once, and then again and then again, each time more deeply. Such a perfect capture – and truth – that makes all the blah blah blah into an Oh yes, this is true for anything. That is why I love what you capture with your camera, no words needed yet so much is there. Thank you, Andelieya!
I really liked these lines: “The present moment and dropped identity are the trumpets of truth to disintegrate my walls. I see my own personal version of the Walls of Jerico come tumbling down.”
Do you really think some external forces deliberately attempt to divert/subvert the creative genius within us? I am curious. The patterns are certainly there. But it brings up this analogy for me. Your description of the grids reminds me actually of engineering codes- like the Building Code. It is probably 10x as thick as it was just a few decades ago. Why? Every disaster sets a new precedent. We respond to our past by trying to protect ourselves from it ever happening again, and only ensnare ourselves further. (Not saying building stronger buildings is a problem! Just using the analogy, because I think it is a demonstration of how we weave this stuff all through our world. Or maybe it’s true: you should carry an umbrella so it won’t rain…)
Maybe the original disaster was about as big and loud as a pin falling, and we’ve been reacting to that tiny “wrong” in ways that have been compounding and spreading the “wrong” out for eons now. Maybe we misunderstand both our past and our reaction to it. We are caught in the web of misunderstanding and misinterpretation. Which is why dropping it is such a trumpet! I am enjoying being part of this band of silent trumpets.
Michael
Oh, I love how deeply you engage with some of these ideas and explorations, Michael. There is a deeply Gnostic connecting thread that does seem to resonate within the Matrix films that pings a deeper truth about the sleeping state of humans for me. This documentary: http://vimeo.com/53000177
makes some of those connections with the Archonic inorganic beings from the Gnostic creation myth and the unreality of our world. I have had some experiences and readings of Castenada which lead me to feel the truth of some things beyond the 5 senses. Interesting to explore, but in the end, the personal awakening journey is where it is at. We can easily be sidetracked in to so many whirlpools of thought along the river. I love the building codes of protection and the pin falling analogies compounding into eons of misunderstanding. This rings a bell of truth as well, to me. Watch out below, I don’t want the code book I just threw out the window to hit you in the head 🙂 Hope you are feeling well! Marga
I do love reading you thoughts and perspective. I hope your doing well.
Sincerely
Benjamin
Hello there, Benjamin! I am doing well. Just back from my Trust and Support Improv recital; bravely marching on here in my corner. Boy was I long-winded on this one 🙂 I am so excited for your move. I hope it all is going well and you are feeling ease with your strained muscles!
Thank you friend 🙂
To me marriage has always been about does it feel good because if it ever felt too bad, I would leave. But that’s not true too because I have felt pretty bad but somehow the sex has always stayed fresh. It seems now it matters little that we talk, sure we do but the love making defines our relationship. Would it be true to say that when sex stops there ends the relationship?
I don’t know. Sex was the last good thing in my only marriage experience, so perhaps you are recognizing an important connecting fiber. What a teaching relationship, the good, bad, ugly, transcendent (this is the sexual connection, often) – rolled into one. Interesting to visit this post again, with your prompting, almost a year later. Since this post, I’ve married myself 🙂