square one

5 Jul

square_one_by_macen

There is strength, I know, in allowing life to strip me. I am getting more comfortable with the process.

Our world thinks it is game board full of squares.  In this dreaming:  whoever gets to the farthest square of gain is winning.  The one – as in ME 🙂 – who starts on square one everyday – who forgets her gender, her age, her family, her status, every night at bedtime, and reconstructs herself in the shower enough to begin again at square one – is blessed!

The board is changing itself daily too – so square one is never the same square.

alice board

Putting on the outfit of identity everyday helps me remember that I can chose something different and new at each moment.  Life is a continual Groundhog Day. I am  an acerbic jerk one day, and an accomplished lover of all that is the next.  I love the jerk because she was trying her best, doing all she knew, and she offers a great yardstick measure of change and possibility.

And now I find I am tired of all my words and posturing.  What is true is that I feel disoriented often to find myself in a super consistent dream of life in this single identity. I love the activities that make me forget who I am – such relief.  Whoosh, back into a body, surprise.  Alice down the rabbit hole.

I once had a neighbor who was getting close to 70 years old, a funny, unguarded story-teller who would stop to chat and spin her tales without a glance at her watch.  She told me that she often forgot her age and when she saw the young mothers on the playground, she felt she was a peer and had to stop herself from entering the gate – “I feel the very same as I have my whole life; I’m surprised when I remember I’m a grandma.”  She is closer to what I am trying to say.  We think we are a fixed thing – but our life shows us the nature of change and the ride is just a smallish experience – a short trip in a conglomeration of journeys, and sometimes the world goes wonky when you sense that deep in your bones.  Have a biscuit and a bit of tea and settle yourself, girl.  You forget. You remember.  You live a life in the flash of a lightning strike – and you sit numb and frozen in place for the strangeness that is never acknowledged while we talk about all the rain.

6 Responses to “square one”

  1. Kelly Kuhn July 6, 2013 at 12:39 am #

    Too often I read blog posts in a rush – just one more thing to do. This post made me slow down, breathe deeply, and absorb. Thank you.

    • marga t. July 6, 2013 at 1:37 am #

      Such a nice moment you share with me, slowing down and breathing, watching me wrestle with the words today 🙂 Peace sent to you for the flow into the weekend.

  2. Sangeeta July 6, 2013 at 7:16 am #

    Beautiful post, thank you 🙂

    Reminded me of my own lines from an old post (http://serenereflection.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/through-the-looking-glass-seeing-beyond-the-image/)

    “What you are is a fluid state of various momentary experiences. Of varying shades that shift as quickly as the colours of a winter sunset. And yet you would like to believe that you can describe yourself and that too in consistent terms.”

    So agree with you, its never back to square one 🙂

    love and light

    • marga t. July 6, 2013 at 12:59 pm #

      I love your “Through the Looking Glass” post – and the shared connections to Lewis Carroll. Thank you for linking back to your earlier writing which I would not have stumbled upon on my own – treasures to be found in the back posts – where I find your words:

      “The challenge is always for our self. To see through our own blind spots. To shine the light of loving awareness and acceptance on all parts of our self and discover there is nothing to hide, nor any thing to disown. And also nothing that is impossible. We are the potential of all possibilities. Not limited by any ideas or ideals.”

  3. seeingm July 8, 2013 at 8:50 pm #

    What does it mean if my squares seem to be melting into circles?!? lol Just had the time to catch up on all posted here. As always, deep bow to the courage and beauty of the shares. Your writing is so lovely to read (even the challenging heart pinching growing bits) as it would be because it comes from you. -x.M

    • marga t. July 9, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

      Circles! Very interesting; tell me more about the circles….(said in an Austrian Accent:) Does seem to ease the pinching growing parts to see them printed on a screen instead of swirling in the word soup within – thank you for sharing with me, -x.M! Now about those circles…

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