nothing left to lose

4 Jun

Just now, I sliced a purple onion to put in my garbanzo bean salad – have you looked at one of those lately?

– How utterly beautiful they are –


But the slicing brought a deluge of tears so strong, that I shut my eyes and continued to cut by feel only, slice, slice slice, above the whoosh of the dishwasher.  The tears stung and cleaned me out – even if onion induced – nothing feels better than a good cry.

Now I have those onions carmelizing in the pan; will that be good in a salad?  I don’t know, but I will try.

I am moving forward without so much definition of just what exactly that means.

Moving is such an opportunity for release and reinvention.  We are only going 8 miles or so.  Boxing up, throwing out, I am seeing what it is that constitutes our lives; all of this activity gives perspective.  We are a collection of stuff.  We are a collection of shared experiences.  We, my daughters and I, while away a bit of time together – and then things change – some so gradually you hardly notice, and other things disappear overnight.  AH!

I found some old journals full of anguished thoughts.  I visited my dear younger self in her sorrow.  These sorrows in that time, as well as joys, did pass.  The self I visited  then is no longer the me of now, and the future me will look back at the me of now with loving tenderness.

past future selves

The journey is important, but not in the way the mind wants to make it so.

Getting the sticky parts out can be a bit uncomfortable and embarrassing to the self that can be embarrassed.  The real self recognizes there is no shame in the journey.

I forget.  I expose my shadows in the mirror of my experiences.   I fall down mind spirals that I no longer think are possible.  When I return, what is left?

Nothing left to lose.  It is insane to believe in loss.

The world of self-esteem,  Own it, girl, strut your stuff, I’m all that 🙂 has a hard time with some of these ideas.  The loss of identity in some ears sounds like the opposite of a healthy outlook.  Funny!

Stripping down to the real thing is the opposite of adding on or building up  –

what is here is all that

12 Responses to “nothing left to lose”

  1. britlight June 4, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

    “…I fall down mind spirals that I no longer think are possible…” head. nail. you are a wonderful writer.

    • marga t. June 4, 2013 at 7:12 pm #

      relating my experiences of late makes writing more like being a court stenographer 🙂 Ease sent to you in a time of transition as well!

  2. prewitt1970 June 4, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

    First yes the onions are amazing in color taste and texture. Two; own it yes all of it for every second of everyday thrive!!!!
    Three; you should choose your painting my moving lovely friend I promised you a piece for your challenge win and have not forgot.
    😉 chose while the gallery is closed

    • marga t. June 5, 2013 at 1:49 am #

      Thee shall Thrive!
      Thank you so much for your generous and priceless gifting, Mr. B! How can I see what I can chose from while the gallery is closed? What about one the pieces that you offered for free with a purchase, i loved those! Seems there were three, which would make an unbelievable triptych – which I could purchase come fall after move and quantitative easing, haha…hmmm.

      • prewitt1970 June 5, 2013 at 2:15 am #

        I will re open the gallery, with a big sign that says NOT for SALE seems dumb right? I’m going to be moving my sales over in etsy no point in being charged for having a store and not using it. You my friend chose anything that’s not marked sold. I have a fondness for your journey and want to show my admiration to you. So as long a your in the USA chose what ever if you feel obligated to “buy” something don’t you can help out with shipping only if you choose.
        Many blessings to you and yours

  3. lauriesnotes June 5, 2013 at 6:12 am #

    Love the part about future and past selves… and “there is no shame in the journey.”
    Blessings to you-
    We moved a little over a year ago. It was in many ways a reflection of my journey.

    • marga t. June 6, 2013 at 10:33 am #

      thank you, Laurie. I’m trying to enjoy the process, but I also remember that often there comes a time when I’ll have to throw the rest in boxes and go! HOpe your days are flowing well!

      • lauriesnotes June 6, 2013 at 10:36 am #

        Yes, I remember getting to the throwing in boxes–HAHA!
        Well its flow and then maybe drift 🙂
        Something like that.
        Thanks so much for the note.

  4. seeingm June 5, 2013 at 10:52 pm #

    The particles and bits shift space. May they do so with clarity and as much ease as is possible. May the stuff that seems to collect and multiply, giving birth in the back of closets and drawers, transition smoothly to new homes as needed.

    Thoughts with you. -x.M

    …And some other interesting thoughts to consider (to read with all the free time I am sure a move allows -lol. I send the energetic light body of M to pack a few boxes :)):

    • marga t. June 6, 2013 at 10:39 am #

      You make moving seem like holy work – (cause it is 🙂 I love the deeper aspect here – and movement toward beauty and simplicity. I’m sure your energetic light body will return home with sore arms and tales to tell 🙂 she is whistling while she works which helps us all! X!

  5. Kelly Kuhn June 16, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

    I found your blog from smilecalm – what a blessing! Best wishes as you continue to lose your identity!

    • marga t. June 16, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

      so nice to find you as well! I look forward to peeking into your corner; already I see many overlapping themes as well as kindred friends.
      Joyful flow to you, Kelly!

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