can one Act without the ego?

19 Mar

characters

When I was around 11 or 12, I discovered I could act.  Where it came from was a mystery.  Some friends and I  took turns reading from a script for a director, and out of the blue,  I got the part of the lead character.  My friends seemed to have done just as well as me, but there was my name at the top of the list.  Many roles, accomplishments and harsh disappointments became the pattern in the following years along the journey of an actress.

I never understood where this skill came from.  It felt like a blankness.  I would empty and suddenly I would be speaking the words of someone else, moving in the body of someone else, and finishing would almost feel like coming to out of a trance.

But Ego came in and mucked everything up.  After adding ACTOR to my identity,  I lived in fear that this mysterious process would leave me.  When the ego stepped in, the clearing out of self necessary to become a character would stop and the acting would become forced and uncomfortable.

I wanted every part I auditioned for and grieved when I was not chosen.  In the middle of my college years, this ego identity was so full of suffering that I switched my major to Writing and tried to steer the muse into words, which didn’t seem to depend so on outward appearance, longing, and narcissistic self-loathing.  I thought the door of the acting world was shut.

But as these journeys go, often shadow elements swirl back again for further experience, further teaching, further understanding.  When Eden’s acting spirit landed upon her head near the same time as mine had, I was full of ambivalence.  Her gift seem to come in with an enormous shadow.  I have written much of her pain-body on this blog!

Finding myself tangentially in this world of acting,   I was asked to audition for a play last year, and thought, well, okay, why not?  The most interesting thing happened at the audition.  I didn’t care, not at all.  And in not caring, I had no motivation.  I sat there and enjoyed watching everyone, and I had no thoughts of “I want this.”   Seemingly, I had to have  at least that much ego to get up there an get the part.  I didn’t want it.  Oh, JoY.  What a nice circle to see.

But I do not know how one does the acting, performs the art, and keeps the ego out, or have the ego in balance enough to have the drive to win the part, perform the part.  Is there motivation without the ego?

I see Eden in the same dance as I experienced in this arena, and while I support, I cannot offter advice.  This is her journey.   I see the mirror work, I see the inspiration, I see the suffering.  Just recently she had a go at Alice in Alice in Wonderland.  The expression of the divine through her vessel was interesting to watch…she was a fiesty Alice.  (I was a bit worried for the Queen of Hearts at one point) 🙂  But she realized that her interpretation was quite different from the traditional Alice overhearing some  veiled comments around her, and I saw her suffer greatly in much the same way I used to…the view of the self through the lens of others for constant measuring is very painful.

alice tweedles

alice playing cardsOf course, I’m literally talking about acting in theatre, but also, the word acting implies any action taken, right?  Sometimes on the path to the true self, people hear the voice of identity warning them that they will be boring, lifeless, a sage in a robe with nothing to say.   Any movement in the world is subject to the forces of identity, self-gratification, narcissism, fear, as well as love, connection, flow from source.  Obviously, I don’t know how it all works, but that rings true to me.

It seems that finding the true self does not end the expression of the vessel in the world, just removes the confusion about that.

When the seeker stops seeking, none of these seeming paradoxes arise.

Whether to act or not act occurs without having to decide – in the natural flow of the true self.

26 Responses to “can one Act without the ego?”

  1. prewitt1970 March 19, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    Actress, I love how that fits on you 🙂
    My gut tell me you were (are) very talented.
    I love your explanation of emptying of ones self.
    I hope your day brings you peace of mind and heart. Your photos ??
    Sincerely
    Benjamin

    • marga t. March 19, 2013 at 8:47 pm #

      Thank you B! Days gone by but fun to look back through the new lens of now. I’m not one much for photos, but I know there is an odd disconnect to not have a visual representation of our friends. I am either in a tin hat or goofing off in green pants here, not sure which 🙂 https://lifeasimprov.com/2013/01/05/dark-matters/
      Hope your day has been marvelous. I’ve been grading so I haven’t peeked in your corner.

  2. Shackled and Crowned March 19, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Egos get in the way many time, it seems.
    Acting….how fun. Thank you for sharing those details of your life. I envy actors….I’m not the acting type, nor do I have a desire to try. But, voice acting has always intruiged me. Mostly because its behind a mike and not a not in front of a camera.

    • marga t. March 19, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

      I don’t miss it, but do enjoy others now, except at cast parties when the only conversation is, “really, how was I? Was I good?” ha! Have you ever thought of recording your poems?

      • Shackled and Crowned March 19, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

        I have recorded a few. They are on my Spoken Word tab. Also, they coincide on the posts of the poetry that is recited.

      • marga t. March 19, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

        Cool. Sorry to have missed that, thus far. I will have some space opening up soon to explore this avenue!

      • Shackled and Crowned March 19, 2013 at 8:59 pm #

        That will be great. I’ve been inspired recently by a few fellow bloggers who also do fantastic spoken word.

  3. starrystez March 19, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

    Great post, very though provoking. I like to write and I recognise when my ego has taken over because nothing flows so well, the process feels more awkward and uncomfortable. There is definitely a shift. The key for me is recognising when this has occured and being honest with myself. I’m sure you are a very good actress and the ego element is something we all struggle with to some extent.

  4. bert0001 March 19, 2013 at 6:36 pm #

    If one uses the ego as a tool – which it truly is – than I think that nothing is wrong …

    • marga t. March 19, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

      Absolument! Lots of talk and lessons about how to do this, but more and more, it is pretty simple – nothing is wrong 🙂 Joyful flow to you, today.

  5. seeingm March 20, 2013 at 3:56 am #

    Tangible peeks in are so powerful. It can at times make the words come alive in a real way. Alice helping her family go into such challenging yet beautiful and important rabbit holes finding the wholeness that is at all our cores! Enchanting beauty you have called into your world there Ms M… just like her Mum! So happy to witness and be apart of such a rich and courageous share that you give us all.

    • lauriesnotes March 20, 2013 at 6:47 am #

      It’s interesting to follow true self rather than ego.
      Much more satisfying though. I’m still learning.

      • marga t. March 21, 2013 at 12:33 am #

        trusting that! heart 🙂

    • marga t. March 21, 2013 at 12:33 am #

      deep bow of gratitude, m. caught up a bit today and am feeling refreshed. Sometimes the life is occurring so close to my face, I cannot see it – this mirror here helps. your connecting is right on, twas and tis a rabbit hole journey led by alice herself toward wholeness – yesyesyes 🙂

  6. wisejourney March 20, 2013 at 8:40 am #

    When you stop seeking and simply journey- life is just more peaceful…much more joyful that way….

    • marga t. March 21, 2013 at 12:35 am #

      yes. so nice to simply journey ! Are you still on a literal journey or back home? joy to you wise journey, where ever you are!

      • wisejourney March 21, 2013 at 5:40 am #

        Always on the journey . . . in my home away from home right now.

  7. Awake in 365 Days March 20, 2013 at 11:54 am #

    Yes!: “It seems that finding the true self does not end the expression of the vessel in the world, just removes the confusion about that.”

    And wonderful peek into you and Eden’s shared world of acting, I would love to know that feeling of shedding my identity and channeling someone completely different. The ego getting involved in acting reminds me of that story of the centipede when he was asked how he knew which foot to put first with all those legs, and then when he thought of it, he forgot how to walk with all those legs. 🙂

    • marga t. March 21, 2013 at 12:37 am #

      Oh, great connecting story! We are all like that, forgetting how to just be,sometimes. Such a fun image for our foibles! Let me know, and I’ll join you for a stroll – wish the tangible portal were open to give you a rush of early spring. Guess the sun will have to do, for now!

  8. vision5d2012 March 21, 2013 at 6:21 am #

    Hi Marga — Just getting back into the swing of things myself and haven’t been by to see what you were up to for quite a while. I agree completely with “Awake in 365” that the expression of the vessel does not end with the finding of one’s True Self — rather one is simply more clear and direct as to where to focus that expression. I thank you for your continuing demonstration of transparency and vulnerability through your articulate and humorously written posts. It is easy to find compassion for those parts of myself that I see in your “sketches.” And that has been a challenge for me most of my life but is relaxing somewhat now that my True Self is coming to the fore. Many blessings, Alia

  9. lavernjdewilde March 31, 2013 at 11:42 pm #

    The more comfortable one becomes with oneself, one no longer cares what others think, on just is!!!!!

    • marga t. April 1, 2013 at 12:13 am #

      Exactly. Wonder why it can take so long!

      • lavernjdewilde April 1, 2013 at 12:49 am #

        Astrologically, as Saturn transits each individual house, the second time around, the second 2 1/2 years through each house is the second chance of really stepping up to the challenges for that energy field. As Saturn completes each house, one really has a feeling of accomplishment in that sector, then the next sector and so on through house 1 thru 6. Then when Saturn gets into one’s seventh house, one comes to terms with relationships and on through to the 10th house where one embraces all of one’s gifts and victories, one knows who one is, and one is usually victorious through the remainder of the houses. Its all about the practices of utilizing one’s inner spiritual tools and strengths one has mastered!!!!!

      • marga t. April 1, 2013 at 12:56 am #

        I love this insight! Does seem to be a natural unfoldment, if one is open to it. I am basking in the internal comfort which translates to every aspect – the love of self is such a natural, easy relaxing into the blessing of just BEing. Astrology is something which has always provoked a strong internal “Ping” of truth – and I just know enough, to know I don’t know. Thank you for sharing on this level, Lavern!

      • lavernjdewilde April 1, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

        The beauty of studying the symbolisms of astrology, one’s individual natal aspects, and transiting planetary aspecting to one’s natal aspects, one sees and comes to a greater inner understanding of why things are occurring which require greater inner disciplines, sacrifices, the letting go of something in order to move to a higher level of being and seeing. The greatest joys and shocks come from the 12 year Jupiter conjunct one’s natal Uranus. Which will correlate with others within a year or two of your own age. This is the time of subtle, collective personal experiences that makes one move forward into something more advanced, built upon past experiences. These are the experiences that train the inner eye for deep understanding of the magnetism and synchronicity of such life-changing events. Thanks you for the discussion!!!!!

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