not so smart

20 Feb

What I thought was one thing, turns out to be another.

Turns out I’m not so smart. (grin)  I’m right in the middle of another toggle switch moment of realization and change, an oh no, not this! sort of light bulb moment.   I wonder why I’m always the last one to know what is going on right under my nose.

When I am ready to see, I do.

I have ambivalence about writing about this unfolding – in real time – in public.  But more and more,  the boundaries between me and other seem less and less and my story is yours and yours is mine.   So much so that I am not my story, I am not even this IDENTITY, really, though right now I do walk around in this body with the seemingly intense happenings of her now.

This now is a chapter that will be revisited in just the time traveling way I talked about yesterday.  In this storm of now, I often find myself sitting in the EYE and remaining still, but the force winds are off the charts and the weather forecasters look worried.

Water Twist Abstract

Even though my reactivity  has decreased exponentially, the scenes are still spiraling out of control.  I am an observer, a recipient, a rock, an instigator by just existing.  My breath, my face, my tapping toe, anything has been fuel for this fire.  I did not want to see that it was not normal teenage angst.

So here we stand on the cusp of a medical diagnosis – and medication that may help.  In some ways more scary than ever – in some ways relief – in some ways just watching the unfolding show.  I am trying to stay in the open spot that doesn’t forecast what this means any further than today.  I am trying to imagine that anything is possible; I am only responsible for each moment as it comes.

I am sort of a straightforward person.  Bad brain chemistry makes no sense to me.  The sheer illogic of the thoughts and the intelligence and energy of the one in the throws of what I see as incorrect thinking confuse me to no end.  I just keep thinking, just stop thinking this.

In my marriage I was caught in the snare of another’s thinking for years.  I played the role of:  THE ONE WHO RIGHTS THE BOAT.  It took me years to realize that the boat was being tipped on purpose.  The irrational thinking, to me, looks a choice, though I have the doctor’s note that says otherwise.   I know I am wrong in this perception, but from my angle, I feel like I see others get to that crazy-making point we all get to and they go right on in, head first.  Refusing to stop.  Just stop. STOP!

I hope the humor will return for all in this house again soon.

In many ways, I am continually taking a break to see the big picture.  Little me can zoom on out any ol’ time she wants and see that while this may be tough, it isn’t fatal, and even if it were, fatality is inevitable to all of us at some point.  So Okay to everything.   All is well, even in the storm.   Bootstraps pulled up!

This is just one little journey with its own set of challenges.  I send you love and strength and zoomed out views!  And I know you wish me the same.

14 Responses to “not so smart”

  1. jonathanhilton February 20, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

    Absolutely I send you good wishes. You are right, it is difficult to get back from something we are immersed in and gain perspective. Tough to see the ocean when we are swimming in it. I think the thoughts of the past two days you have said are very helpful to me, so thank you very much!

  2. bedraggledandkicking February 20, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

    Thank you for sharing. Wishing you strength and sending you a virtual hug.

  3. andelieya 安德洌雅 (official) February 20, 2013 at 4:18 pm #

    It’s hard for me to read your story and then to just hit the ‘like’ button. This is not an imaginary story, but a real life story, and you are suffering (actually, we all are suffering). I’d like to send you wishes for a peaceful mind! It is easier said than done, but try letting it rest a little, center yourself, and just be. Maybe painting (anything, it does not have to be pretty) would be a nice way of giving expression to what you feel in a non-verbal way so that the mind can get some much needed rest.

    • marga t. February 20, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

      create, yes! and get out in the sunshine. Thank you.

  4. prewitt1970 February 20, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

    Not do smart pft genius I’d say. Strong, wise, caring and sensitive just to name a few of the words I would you to describe you. Your above message takes insight and bravery to write and I’m honored to walk with you on this journey, well I kinda shuffle do you might have to wait up a bit. 🙂 but I’m with ya.
    Namaste
    Benjamin

    • marga t. February 21, 2013 at 12:10 am #

      LIkewise honored to be walking, waltzing, shuffling, laughing on the path with the you – such a heart you’ve got!

      • prewitt1970 February 21, 2013 at 3:59 am #

        Thank you, I’d take that waltz anytime.

  5. Awake in 365 Days February 21, 2013 at 12:28 am #

    I am sending you love, humor and strength and the confidence that you will get through this with a soft belly. It’s sort of one of those good news/bad news scenarios. I know the brain on depression, runs in our family so if you ever need to bounce ideas off of, I’m here for you too. Take care 🙂 Love that video, its one of my favorites!

    • marga t. February 21, 2013 at 1:39 am #

      Oh, thank you for this. It is such a confusing territory when grappling through with the mind – but soft belly acceptance got me through a roller coaster ride from Everest to the hole in the bottom of the sea, with the same awareness throughout. That feels like something. Would love your take on meds. as an aid – when time. Video – can’t seem to find that therapist in the book 🙂

      • Awake in 365 Days February 21, 2013 at 4:34 am #

        No problem, My 18 year old daughter has depression and anxiety and she was raised with much more love and nurturing than I ever had, so I really think its nothing you/we did as parents, it just is. Not sure if you’re feeling guilty but I did when my daughter started to have episodes. I think the important thing is finding out what it is so you can find ways of dealing with it. Meds are a bit of a crapshoot, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of SSRI frogs to find the right one, she tried Prozac but it made her really flat, and now she’s trying Paxil, too early to tell yet, but for me and some family members meds have been a necessity. Hope that helps. Yeah, I like that therapist in the video, he looks strangely familiar…:)

  6. seeingm February 21, 2013 at 9:39 am #

    My broken heart shards ping from different things in the story that have been labeled as “bad” on my personal measuring stick, but the ache created is universal. We are not alone in our numb moments, our pained moments, our joy moments. We stand and witness them all together into another day.

    Thank you for your courage to share so transparently. We all benefit from the healing and truth that is accessed by sharing and being real.

    I have sat and written and then deleted 5 different additional replies here. There are times that words just seem to work against what is wanting to be communicated. I am going to stop the words now and just send the feeling that would be behind them. You and your precious child are so loved.

    x.M

  7. Joy is now March 14, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    I love that!! Zoomed out views. Perfect explanation for seeing the big picture. Since my kids were little I told them to go the moon. I guess you would get a zoomed out view from there too.:) great ideas in this post. Thanks

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