Oh God, save me the ugliness of my own pity party this morning.
My mind state is my own though in this moment, I do shake my head in wonder at the journey I’ve chosen for myself.
I wonder at the energy, pain, and vicious attacks that are relentless from a teen. Even as I smooth myself, lose my reactivity, words still hurt. I am to blame for all unhappiness, suffering, failure in her life and she heaps the hurtful words over my head daily. There is no back up, there is no escape, and in her thoughts I am to be punished relentlessly until I cry uncle, and then it still doesn’t end. I am so exhausted and defeated and overwhelmed by the volume of this attacking misery.
When I went into labor to give birth to this child, the pain was relentless. Hours and hours of out-of-body pain (I actually found myself on the ceiling at times), camel backing contractions, and finally my body was torn open from the inside as she and I hung in the state between life and death. The thrashing and ripping was killing us both. This is not a tale I tell. It is very gruesome and difficult, and it took me out of this realm.
I didn’t want to come back. When I was told of the trials ahead, I burrowed into the arms of the immense loving one who held me and said it was all too much. But back I came making a choice to do this life, and yet I do wonder at this thrashing now? Through these words I type, I remember. I was told; I knew it would be tough; I agreed to do this.
I am not reacting anymore, she’s given me that, and I imagine that I have let go of expecting improvement. I imagine myself the sturdy oak tree with deep roots that others are clinging to in the damaging winds of emotions. I imagine there is nothing more asked of me than to remain in my tree body and trust in the roots that we all share.
Jonathan Worthington :: Photos :: Trees blowing in the strong windTrees blowing in the strong wind
I see other families struggle, but ours seems something out of a horror film: words to rip flesh, relentless positioning, love and affection banished forever, though I hold them in an open grab bag for all. I sit in my still point of this hurricane force winds and know…I can only wash the dishes, grade the papers, pick up the mess, go to bed, wake again to tea, and breath, and stillness in a storm that seems it will not let up.
Here are some words for me this morning:
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh
“Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves. The tangerine I am eating is me. The mustard greens I am planting are me. I plant with all my heart and mind. I clean this teapot with the kind of attention I would have were I giving the baby Buddha or Jesus a bath. Nothing should be treated more carefully than anything else. In mindfulness, compassion, irritation, mustard green plant, and teapot are all sacred.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, The Miracle of Mindfulness: An Introduction to the Practice of Meditation
Letting it out in words this morning to avoid a mental, pity party. Sometimes, I’m thinking it helps to let it out, so I can get back to chopping wood and carrying water. 🙂 Posts should come with a warning label…don’t read this! I hope you heeded my advice and didn’t. If you did, I send you love and support in your trials, and share an angry thrash dance with you, too!
Here’s my angry day song:
Life as Improv 
I pressed the like button only so you would know I was here not that I like your pain, and im horrible about anything that says dont go ” ” i just have to, read, go , do what ever it is im not supposed to. Oh my dear Im so sorry for youre pain, and one heck of a journey it is. My daughter now almost 20 hated me for a good 3 years 13-16 I woke up one day and I was no longer sweet daddy I was the devil and it stayed that way for years, then one day I woke and someone had replaced the demon child with my sweet little girl again. Long story short she will forgive you, you will forgive you and in time all wounds will be healed and explained and forgotten and life will move on as it does. You are in my heart and I feel your pain, hang in there.
namaste
Benjamin
Your compassion and experiential share are so uplifting! Thank you. I am so glad your daughter came around, but I guess I will have to pace myself if it could go on for that many years, whew! And I think I need to change the title, too coy! Of course we all open the box that says don’t open 🙂 Flowing much better now, and glad I held tight wishing all a good day, warmly, despite my lusciferian role 🙂 x!marga
“Don’t read this” just screams to me, “please read this. Please understand.” So, I did, and I do, to the extent that I, through my own trials and tribulations, am able. I am sending you much love and many BIG SQUEEZY hugs, Marga. It does not sound as though it is an easy path you are on in the least. May Spirit continue to hold you close and infuse you with Divine Love, Compassion, and Strength as you continue on. You are not alone. Much Love to you, dear One. ♥
Dawna, your squeezey hugs and support felt, flowing much better. Not being alone always eases the way on the path we have chosen to walk, and I thank you for sharing your presence with me. What a gift these trials are as I learn to remain in that which I never am not, no matter what appears to be happening on the outside. The dance of Maya in the form of a young warrior princess is a might thing 🙂 Honored to do the dance with her, you, and all on my path. deep heart felt gratitude to you! xmarga
May you and your aughter be blessed with the calm and peace that come with tranquility. If even for a moment…a second of peace,
May you remember to keep it close and sow the seed, so much more may abound.
Thank you! Keep it close and sow the seed, nice image – keeping that close
Hope it helps. 🙂
I am very sorry for your difficult times. I wish I had good advice to give you, all I can tell you is that where you are now, you will not always be. You seem like a very strong person, and I am sure that you will be able to handle this. Thank you for sharing. The song at the bottom should help. Listen to that real loud and let your emotions out.
Thank you Jonathan. Thrashed it out, and will again when I need to! It already feels like someone else wrote that post.
” I am to blame for all unhappiness, suffering, failure in her life and she heaps the hurtful words over my head daily. ”
It was me, who did this, years ago.
I couldn’t escape from the confinement of the conditioning I had to undergo in school. I blamed, society, school and my parents.
I just reacted then, but perhaps, a lot of hugs from those dear around me, unable to show their love in that way, might have prevented my depression that followed in my twenties. Or perhaps not. Probably not.
Right now, I can put myself in the shoes of my children.
And I can show them all my love for them. But I know it will never be enough.
Life can be hard, and it is harder when you are young and you don’t understand anything, and you feel that you don’t belong to/on this earth.
Right now I know that I will never ‘know’ anything with my rational mind. I can only experience love or its absence.
Love and Light to you and your family
(((((((((hugs))))))))))
I did not go through this stage in this way, so often I am in wonder of what is transpiring within and without. Physical contact is totally rejected, but I do notice when proximity seems to be desired even while it is shunned. I try to stay present and silent and strong as much as I am able. Surrendering to it and everything – or in the process. I so appreciate your personal experience and sharing here, Bert. Thank you for taking the time to relate in this way…I am feeling oddly like I revealed my personal diary in a public way, feels a bit self-indulgent, but I know that the journey is actually not a private thing, that we are all along our paths and more and more there are no personal stories, but shared humanity. x!
…there are no ready made solutions for these situations. Time and Love are key. But it can be extremely frustrating, … from both ends.
Thank you for your honesty! I love the quotes at the end that you used. I am thinking of you and I know that you will pull through this. Even though I do not know you personally, you seem like such a strong person, and what you share is helping others! xoxo
Thank you! Rawness can feel quite uncomfortable on display; so nice to receive your supportive words and kindness. I am pulling for you, too! Nice to hear about your transitioning back in the classroom!
I’m sorry for your struggles. But it does seem good to get it out. Vent away! Many of us can relate in different ways. I like to think I am a decent person, but I was a pain-in-the-ass teenager. Not kind. Moody. A jerk. I blame that past on hormones, and I think my parents chalked it up to that as well, but I still feel bad that I was such a jerk to my kind parents. I’d never treat them that way now. Not sure if you are dealing something more complex, but I’d like to think that most kids come around.
Thank you, Bedraggled. Each of our struggles seem tailor made, unfortunately/fortunately 🙂 I appreciate the peek into the teenage version of you…that does help. It can get really crazy, but softening my belly, finding my own joy, holding space for if she does come around without expecting that, seems to be my game today. I hope your days have some relief as well! And maybe even glimpses of joy here and there. x!
I so feel your pain Marga!
I have had to let go my three children 20,19 and 16 years old.
Their hatred and blame and abuse towards me is too much to carry for this mother anymore.
And me letting go has fueled them all the more. But I love myself in ways I never did before and so now I stand strong and say No More, then walk away.
I love them so deeply and walking away has ripped and torn my heart into a million pieces, but it is the right thing, and all will be well, this too shall pass!
*sends you a tonne of loving calming mother mojo*
Thank you for the send, Leisa – it was received. Hard to imagine this place a few years ago…wowza. It helps to know others on the path can go through something similar – so happy for your strength to say no more. And as always, everything does pass, often with a whimper not a bang. So interesting how correcting the sins of our fathers still doesn’t make for smooth sailing. That thought had been buried in me, and what an eye opener it is to see the struggle and be unable to fix, ease or direct. Means so much that you took the time to relate a sliver of your story to me. X! marga
I am glad you felt my love for you Marga!
I honor you and your journey.
Our children will be fine, they are amazing strong spirits..they chose us! 😉
And we hold the love..but remember to love yourself in the process of mothering otherwise you’ll get lost!
Hi Marga — Thank you for writing about your pain and deep hurt. I commend you for accepting this life challenge. You and your daughter are working our something — hard to see what right now most likely. Eckhart Tolle gives us the concept of the “Pain Body.” It is a brilliant idea and you can read more — perhaps even online, but certainly in his book The Power of Now. See if your library has it. The Pain Body, once understood can be worked with (almost like a separate person.) Your daughter is at the effect of hers and doesn’t know how to stop it once it gets activated. Eckhart gives some steps for assisting parents to in turn help their offspring to recognize it and gradually bring it under their control. Don’t expect this to happen overnight; it may not even work. But at least YOU will have another way to hold this situation and it may bring YOU some peace of mind. My heart’s love go out to you and your daughter, Alia
Thank you for your sharing, Alia. It most certainly is the PainBody! And she has gifted me by helping me to see a few months ago where I still could be activated, and now I am not in the painbody with her. But her painbody is large, one of the largest I’ve seen, and I will revisit E.Tolle for a refresher, thank you! I can observe now, from this place, how the painbody searches like a hand in the dark for sticky spots to activate in others…my non reactivity has actually caused her pain body confusion and escalates its attempts. Often I think of it like a two year old thrashing on the floor of a store, having a tantrum. Staying centered and present, and helping when I can, but each soul has her own journey and choices and work, and her growth will be her own. I appreciate the space to express honestly. Mostly, I am still, but once in a while, after the sheer volume day after day, I slip off center. The spells come and go, almost like a trance, but we do enjoy respite and good times too – light always shines, even behind the clouds.
Bow of gratitude for your wisdom and compassion! xmarga
And we know that the Light will prevail. Blessings and love, Alia
Thank you for this. And thank you for visiting my blog, and the “like”. I’m happy you enjoyed my post on Benares. Another to come in a few days.
This post of yours brought tears, not because I’m a mother, but because I’m a child, because of what it is to be human, because of your suffering, because of all suffering, because of the reminder it is all love. Just because.
I’ve read your “About” page and this post and one other, and have no hesitation in following. I look forward to swimming in your wisdom.
Blessings
Alison
I just read Alia’s comment, and your reply. The pain body concept is so helpful, and yes, just like a child looking for any place to grab a hold of, any place it can find a footing to insinuate itself. I catch it now, most of the time, my husband too, and we remind each other. Is it you, or is it the pain body trying to get a footing?
I wish you well on your journey with your daughter. You are the best parent she could possibly have.
Blessings to you both
Alison
How lovely you are on your journey and I feel grateful for the glimpse you give through your blog. So strange, the way the camera, and the eyes behind that instrument, make me feel as if I am there. You and your sweet shaved heads 🙂 Thank you for your heart; I can relate; I can cry forever, not for me, but for it all, and also hysterically laugh! The Painbody is a bizarre phenomenon, almost an entity in itself. I still see the face of my girl as a baby in these moments/months/years of her pain, and I see her years from now-I feel the support that came from others from my naked sharing, and I have big gratitude that others are willing to walk a bit with me through these challenges. Blessings to you two, too 🙂 x!marga
Oh yes, I know that – the tears on the one hand, and the hysterical laughter on the other for the way it all is. Both valid, both enriching.
I’m glad you enjoy my photos. I spend such a lot of time making them as perfect as I can – creative passion to tell the story.
I know a woman who was in such a bad place in her teen and early adult years that she was cutting herself. She’s now 50 and for many years now has been happy, and married to a man who loves her dearly, and has work she loves and that is a great passion for her. May your daughter find her way through to the other side as this woman did. May you be given the strength you need for this journey.
Blessings and smiles!
Alison