There Are No Shoulds

4 Feb

Crater_Lake_Crater_Lake_National_Park

My mother and I are different in many surface ways, and if there were a Match.com for mother/daughter relationships, we might not even be paired.  But of course the wisdom of the universe understands a much deeper level than we even know of ourselves, and thus we are paired for reasons beyond simplistic, exterior match ups  – we are paired by our souls.

My mother is a deep, blue body of water.

I discovered this fact my freshman year in college when I was far away from home.  I was a Theatre major, and in theatre one does all sorts of in-class assignments most other majors could never imagine.  One stark and leafless Ohio day, I remember the feel of the cold wood floor under me as we were led through a long, guided mediation that had me fairly far outside my physical body into a realm I never imagined accessible before this day.  We were asked to connect with someone we were closest to in this life.

At that suggestion, I found myself swimming in the deepest, most calming blue waters of my mother – and I knew then and now looking back that I had found her essence.

We may disagree about most things people believe in, join, wear as a labels or identities, etc, but we hardly ever tromp into those places when we talk.

I think it was about 20 years ago, after I was chastizing myself about something,, my mother said to me,  “There are no Shoulds!”  She stopped me cold.  Really?  No Shoulds.  What freedom in those words!  What a gift she gave to me that day!

And since that time, we have said this phrase to each other as often as we needed to hear it.  Sometimes she would forget herself, get lost in the role of MOTHER, and tell me something that she thought I SHOULD do;  then, I would say to her, “There are no shoulds,”  and she would immediately drop the should and say, “You are right.”  The love and detachment in this instant transformation she can make after a daughter’s scolding are a beautiful gift and mirror to me.

From Neil Kramer’s The Unfoldment: The Organic Path to Clarity, Power, and Transformation:  “The outcome of making a wrong decision is often portrayed in the mainstream media as a life-shattering failure.  It is a very binary equation in the unreality of the distortion:  win or lose; black or white.  But reality is not like that.  There is no failure on the spiritual path, other than the temporary postponement of not walking it.

A conscious decision to not do something is as valid as choosing to do something.  One must consider the personal relevance of a thing from one’s own inner core before exercising will.  Contemplate removing should from the process.  There is doing, and there is not doing.  Should doesn’t come into it.  If I feel that it would be good to go and visit my elderly neighbor and help her chop firewood, then I do it.  If I don’t feel that, then I won’t do it.  No should is required.

Should compels people to act from imbalance – from outside their truth.  It is closely allied with public expectation and social standing, which are habitually flawed, as they are mired in the distortion” (95).

The gift we can give to ourselves and to others is releasing the expectations – releasing the shoulds.  That word should should just go away; shouldn’t it?

9 Responses to “There Are No Shoulds”

  1. Awake in 365 Days February 4, 2013 at 4:07 am #

    There is such a qualitative difference when I do things out of my shoulds vs my spontaneity, I like that, that there is doing and there is not doing, that;s it, no guilt, no heaviness, just a beautiful freedom. And to share another interesting coincidence with you, tonight I was doing a meditation and in my visualization I was brought to a lake to swim, I had no idea why, then I read your post about your swim in the deep blue body of water. Not sure what it meant for me, but I just wanted to share that with you 🙂

    • marga t. February 4, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      The overlaps are very cool! I haven’t thought of that moment in the water in many many years and suddenly, it pops out of my fingers 🙂 Dropped the shoulds and obligations bit by bit in my journey. Raising teens in this culture does require me to participate in ways I’m not always thrilled about, but all will pass, and I don’t participate with the shoulds, more out of necessities in the moment. Hope you are flowing well!

  2. Leisa February 4, 2013 at 5:41 am #

    I love your mother!

    • marga t. February 4, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

      Me too 🙂 I do know this relationship is a gift. Grateful. Welcome back, Leisa!!

      • Leisa February 5, 2013 at 12:03 am #

        Thank You, its great to be back!!

  3. ajaytao2010 February 4, 2013 at 7:21 am #

    I nominate you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award

    Please accept & oblige

    http://ajaytao2010.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/very-inspiring-blogger-award-2/

    • marga t. February 4, 2013 at 9:30 pm #

      Ajaytao! Thank you so very much for the recognition of the sharing we are participating in together here. I sneak time to read and write on wordpress because you and all here recharge my batteries and feelings of connection with other humans, but the demands on my time are a bit over the top. I think that I will try to compose a list of blogs that inspire me everyday, but I can’t wrap my head around the format demands of an award. Bow of gratitude to you. xmarga

      • ajaytao2010 February 4, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

        thank you

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