Archive | January, 2013

The Angry and Peaceful Wolves of Parenting

18 Jan


Parenting is not easy.  I don’t know what I am doing.

The Angry Wolf of this job says, “I will not tolerate this behavior.”  The Angry Wolf says, “My Way or the Highway.”  The Angry Wolf lives in fear of ingratitude, threats to it’s authority, tarnishing of it’s image, mutiny, and failure.

The Peaceful Wolf says,  “Nothing can hurt me.  Nothing can ever diminish me in any way.”

Once this is known – suffering becomes a memory.  The threat disappears like smoke.

I watch myself and see joy, ease, compassion, often, no matter the swirling whirlwind of the suffering that comes to those in my care  from the confusion of growing up in our culture, in our family, with this Mother.

The sticky times are observed as well and I can clearly see where I am attached to some idea that I believe I can be hurt or diminished in some way.  Those incorrect thoughts bring out the Angry Wolf.

The Peaceful Wolf knows that no one owes me anything, ever, no matter what I have given.  Every act on my part is a gift and a service that I give, and nothing can be expected in return.  With the commitments I have freely made, I will serve with pleasure, with no expectation of the reward of appreciation for MY service, no expectation of closeness derived from MY giving, no paybacks, no front of the line, no piggy back rides up the mountain – unless these gifts flow to me from the kindness of another, unexpectedly.

In my observations of myself, I see that when I’m tired or engaging in incorrect thoughts, I can imagine I’m put upon.  In this state of mind, no words even need to be spoken; this mindset is conveyed telepathically and bodily and throws me and others out of synch.

Since I cannot be diminished, ever, all is always good.

In the story, the Peaceful Wolf is fed, so it grows, while the Angry Wolf shrinks from not being fed.  Perhaps the Angry Wolf is swaddled, loved, and absorbed.  Who knows?  I still don’t know what I’m doing.  But this makes sense tonight.

Spiritual Boot Camp

15 Jan


I signed up.

I must have.

This is what some days look like at spiritual boot camp.

There is something so right on about the recognition that it is now, not in the summer, not after I stop working, not in the next life.  Like this Blog Name ( suggests, this is it.  You’ve got to admire the full blown focus.

In my purse on my catch all little notebook, a Mooji Quote, that had been scribbled in haste, was found just as the floor fell out from under me in 2011 as I left my 20 year marriage.

“Push everything aside; Find out who you are.  The rest will sort itself out.”

Those were the right words to help me adjust to the new groundless state of moving forward; even though, I felt like a quaking mountain of goo at the time.

For a long time I thought that in life people matured and learned and became wiser.  I assumed this to be true. This is not true for a good many people.

I really saw this once in an overheard conversation between two people in their 70’s.  I heard mean gossip, deeply masked pain, and ego feeding codependencies without any shielding so immature, so similar to a middle-school dynamic, that I was shaken and heartbroken for them, for all of us.  We all know these sides of ourselves.  We are this in our forgetting.

These two had been practicing their religion devoutly for their entire lives.  Where was the growth?  Where was the change?    I had that Peggy Lee moment…

My searching began to recognize some souls awakening with humility, grace, humor, and ease.  I began there.

Tangible growth can happen; certain behaviors can fall away for good; that is not all there is.    Not from effort does this come, but by illusions being dropped, for good.


Something hears you when you make this choice.

Things appear that are needed to help you along the way.  Those two screamers above are not an unfamiliar mirror to me.  My darling daughters in teen years have proven to be the most wonderful sand blasters I could have ever invented.  But just as often, what is sent is soft and gentle: a breeze, a dolphin encounter, a hand-written note.

Some days feel an Everest climb, but then I see the cookies and lemonade at the next plateau and I keep on.

Always it seems less of me there is, the more flow occurs, and the more and more peace I can hold as a space for all of us.  Loving the peace inside, wishing you the same. X!

Here we all are, one by one, waking up !

Is a New Paradigm Just Another Pull of Duality?

13 Jan


On one side of the crevasse is an opening of cooperation, flow, creative play,  music, poetry, dancing, sharing, appreciation, connection, personal sovereignty…

The other side is our known “Down the Rabbit Whole” world about which Alice would no longer say, “Curiouser and Curiouser,” I suspect.  She would be wigging out!  Ramped up chaos, lies, distraction, imbalance, escalation,  noise,noise,noise…

Joseph Campbell in one of his lectures said, “The world is a mess.  The world has always been a mess.”    Through one view, that is sort of the point of the world, isn’t it?  Duality, polarity, paradox.  Perhaps it was never intended to be fixed – merely experienced.

And in the flow of merely experiencing this world, the above picture is not actually accurate.  The two sides actually overlay one another – they are occurring together.  The mess is still here, not ignored, but can be watched with attention, without  emotional sway.  The bliss and flow can also also watched with attention, without emotional attachment.

One moment follows another  and it is a pretty good show from this seat.

The idea that we have participated in creating this amazing murder mystery theatre show for ourselves is simply wonderful to me.  Think of this.  We thought up:   Crop Circles, Oceans, Aliens, Tornados, Mystery Schools, Palm Reading, Basil,  Sex, Soul Mates, Geometry, Black Holes, God, Lucifer, Quarks, Secret Societies, Kittens, Weather, Flowers, Hitler, Lobster, Worms, Films, Paint on Canvas, Unseen Realms, and most of all, unfathomable SPACE surrounding us between micro particles, between atoms, between planets, between solar systems, between galaxies, between multiple universes even…IMMENSE SPACE between everything –  just to the brain-aching tip of what we can fathom – and  we plopped ourselves here with Amnesia.

Damn we are good!

Zen and the Art of the Parking Ticket

9 Jan

Parking meter.

It is sort of a thing in Charleston, parking tickets: a ubiquitous visitor to anyone who ventures downtown, tourist and local alike.  Those “ticketers” are GOOD at their job, and I have always paid the ones I deserved:  the forgotten meter time, not really a spot ticket, oops, I thought it was Sunday ticket (free all day Sunday).

But this time, I had a case.   I read the back of the ticket and figured out I could squeeze by the DMV Appeal Hours between dropping Chloe off for dance and picking up Eden…yada yada.

Forgive the tedious details…I want to get to the main point, which is a Zen Master at the DMV…I swear it is true.

I rode the elevator up with a woman, after showing her where to go.    She was in a huff, “I lived in NYC for 15 years and never got a ticket.  I’m here one week, one week!”

The appeals ended this particular day at 6 pm and she and I sweated our tight arrival together, arriving at 5:56 pm.  I thought they would say, too late.  But in we go…there are 4 of us there.

The women behind the glass make it clear that all they need is to get our names and info on the list – we are to wait to talk to The Man. I wish I could remember his name.

I am last on the list.  After sitting a few minutes,  a slow moving, large, authoritative black man emerges from his office.   He owns his space and does not show his cards.   He calls names out one by one and in each one goes.   In quick succession, the first  two offenders are quickly dismissed out of his door with polite “thank you’s and have a good night” and grins.  “You too” he calls after them.

My compadre from the elevator is before me and she gives me a grin and a thumbs up as she heads out the door.

Once I’m seated across from him in his office, surface conversation ensues, totally unrelated to the ticket, but it is his BEINGNESS that is radiating out from him no matter the words.  He is fully present with me and he knows what he is to do with purpose and grace.  How often do we experience this in others?    He is here to diffuse, to accept, to excuse…everything about him radiates peace – AT THE DMV – AT THE TICKET APPEALS OFFICE – really?

So I tell him my story, and he nods and says, “I know that parking lot, very old, you can hardly see the lines…of course you are right.  No problem.  Have a nice night Ms. T.”  I get the feeling that we are absolutely bowing to each other in mutual kindness, respect, love.

I know I am drawing out a story that is small and personal.  But I think, more and more we are all having these experiences when we are present to the moment, honoring the flow, saying “Yes, and…” to life.

I read a book years ago called Breakfast at the Victory by James Carse –  a philosophy professor at NYU.  In the title story, he illustrates a master (much like my parking ticket appeals officer)  shining through the owner of the diner he frequented every morning on his way to work.  Every move of pouring coffee, idle converstion with customers, wiping the counters was pure, radiating beingness.  If we are observing, we know IT when we see IT- and we are drawn to IT because these beings, workers,  masters in our midst are mirroring our true being back to us.

We are becoming masters of our own beingness.  The way an animal in nature inhabits its grace, beauty, perfection without resistance, we humans are remembering how to be.


Trusting What Is

8 Jan


The lesson is always for the self.

The way of the path, for me, since it has not been an instantaneous, permanent remembering, seems to be about encountering the perfect mixture of circumstances, chaos, escalating hot heads, etc. 🙂 to help me find myself in a reactive state (much to my “spiritual identity’s” dismay) so i can ferret out the tendrils of identification with thought within and RELEASE…ah, the relief.  Like waking from a nightmare.

The path that has led me here has been horribly and beautifully orchestrated with my agreement.

In a fractal sense, every little release has an effect throughout our realm and other realms unseen.  Does that feel true to you?  No matter, because the release is enough for just tiny, amoeba me.

Now here is the freaky part – in the state of release, “I hate you” sounds the very same as “I love you.”   That blows me away 😮

Another lesson:   when I become nonreactive to a particular sticky spot forevermore, there is no thought that these changes in me will change another in any way.   I don’t mind.

Flowing to the bus pickup today, two girls who know my daughters get in my car – their ride has not shown up. I bow to the trust that I will take them home.  I experience no worry that it may make us late.  Then we get caught in a traffic back up and creep forward for many, maybe 6, lights in a row and it only feels like space to me.

Existing in the space of that which I already am, I find that time itself stretches and contracts according to the needs of the moment.

What’s not to trust?

Eckhart Tolle  is much clearer than I…getting quiet now.

ONCE: Falling Slowly

6 Jan


Thank you to theachristie29 for reminding me of this gentle movie, Once.    Seems like a “love” story, but really points back to the self and the deeper, real current of the love coming from no separation.





Dark Matters

5 Jan

There was a guy who used to be at the library down the street.  He drove an old car with an enormous antenna off the end and a sticker that said something about info wars and a website to check out.  He looked a little bit like this:

crazymanThis was a small, local library, so the children’s story time was surprisingly close to where this man was conducting his research, daily.  What I’m trying to say is that I noticed him.

I was curious about just what he was up to when a librarian whispered to me one day that he was a “Crazy Conspiracy Guy”.  We all know this stereotype.

So when I found myself exploring DARK MATTERS a few years later, this man was in my head, and I wondered if I had fallen off the deep end.  What is a sweet (haha), stay-at-home mom doing exploring all sorts of dark, confusing information by internet, book, film, and lecture while her kids were away at school?  I didn’t know why I found myself drawn in this direction either.  Before, I couldn’t get enough information and teaching about meditation, non-duality, Buddhism, Taoism, Love and Light.  What is the pull toward darkness?

So hard to sum up years of experiences quickly and walk back through a trail that seemed to make no sense, but now seems perfectly ordained and meaningful in hindsight.

Super speedy telling, I had an NDE during the birth of my youngest, and upon coming back, I could see that things were off.  We all have a sense that something is rotten in denmark, something is off, but most of us, collectively, are able to sweep that “knowing” under the rug and get back to Consensus, conditioned REALITY.  My dark night of the soul made me so uncomfortable that I couldn’t just tolerate what was off any longer and the uncovering began.  To me, at the time, this exploration seemed the antithesis of my spiritual exploration.

One teacher in particular, that I came across, magically put all of it together for me.  In his “Gates of Awakening” teaching, I see a consolidation of the avenues I have found myself exploring through the years.  My Neil Kramer awareness came to me through some podcasts I stumbled upon.  Never did I listen without experiencing a deep pang of truth from within.  The teaching from this ARC Conference in particular spells out this exploration of Dark Matters as a necessary step upon the path of our Unfolding.

I think this is a 5 part lecture, but here is the next part.

So maybe you are wondering if I’ve turned into this:


Not yet.  But I am a little weird.  Here’s a picture from Improv Graduation 🙂  I’m in the green pants.


Dark, love, and light to you in your own exploring and improvising today!

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